One Thousand and One Things I'd Like To See In a Fic (2024)

Started 15 March 2011 at 1400 - Finished 15 October 2020 at 2248, Nine Years Seven Months Eight Hours and Fourty Eight Minutes.

One Thousand and One Things I'd Like To See In a Fic

By Rorschach's Blot

some are lowbrow . . . okay, most are lowbrow

some are terrible, while others are just very very bad

some should never be or never have been written

some have been written

some I'm writing

some I've written

some others are writing

some I'll never write

some will never be written

all are ideas that popped into my head that I've decided to release into the world

Feel free to post this wherever and to use whatever,

whole reason I created this was to inspire people to write more fics.

Admittedly, several of them are things I wish I'd never thought of and never want to see anywhere, but the title was a bit wordy as it is.

On with the show!

01. Halloween fic where Xander dresses up as Butthead and somehow manages to convince Buffy to be Bevis.

(001 was where I worked, it's tan)

02. The Power he knew not is a three wolf moon t-shirt. (Look it up, the Amazon reviews are awesome, there are youtube videos if it's no longer on amazon).

03. Vernon is a giant Magnum P.I. fan, Petunia stopped him from naming Dudley after the main character, she doesn't care enough to stop him from changing Harry's name to Magnum. The boy that gets on the Hogwarts express has; a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses, a deep tan, and a newly grown mustache (Potions are so useful don't you know).

04. Snape that's constantly high from sniffing all those potions ingredients.

05. Albus Dumbledore, Super Pimp (He's got all the powers of Superman plus all the powers of a Pimp). Stolen from Futurama.

06. Rube Hardrod, p*rn Star (Hagrid's summer job).

07. Instead of a Diary, Voldemort uses a copy of Naughty Witch Magazine, Ron gets it and the pages are promptly stuck together.

08. Rather than pranks, Naruto decides to get his vengeance by seducing the wives/sisters/mothers/daughters of the people that wouldn't acknowledge him. Alternately, he uses a genjutsu to make his target see it. Which brings to mind the question, would Sasuke see his mother alive or would he see a horrific scene of necrophilia?

Naruto's hands when through several familiar signs ending with an extended middle finger. “I f*cked your mom no jutsu!” (Hand sign could also end with the 'got your nose' gesture if you want to stick with Japanese culture).

Sasuke continually annoys Naruto because it gives him a chance to see his mother alive. Granted she's being defiled in every way possible by Naruto when he sees it which in turn leads to some odd rumors developing around him.

09. In exchange for an interview, the Prophet prints a fake statement by Fudge in which the Minister says something along the lines of:

And even if the dark tosser did come back, I'd make him eat my sh*t. Then, I'd make him sh*t out that sh*t and make him eat the sh*t that was comprised of my sh*t that he'd eaten.”

Harry then sends an unsigned note to the Minister saying something along the lines of; you'd better hope I wasn't telling the truth, or you're f*cked!

10. Scooby Doo/H.P. Lovecraft xover. Scooby and Shaggy are the only survivors of the original team. (Been meaning to do this forever). Mystery Inc could be team number two, explains why they run away from everything that might be a threat or Mystery Inc. could be the team they lost if you want the dark grizzled version.

11. Moody had his hair charmed or was wearing a wig or something. Bad things happen to anyone that tries to use it to mix polyjuice with it.

12. As a condition of coming back to Hogwarts one year, Harry insists that the new Defense Professor promise not to try to kill him.

13. Xander dresses as Luna for Halloween.

Oh my, it appears that someone has given me male genitals.” She reached down to give them a hands on inspection to make sure that they weren't illusory. She was still inspecting them a few minutes later when a red headed ghost appeared.

14. In the same vein, Xander dresses up as Dobby.

15. “I have no breath,” Angel explained.

Then you're useless,” Xander replied, slamming a stake into the vampire's heart.

16. Naruto the arsonist. All his pranks involve setting things on fire.

17. Harry burns Quirrell to death with his hands the first time he meets him at the Leaky Cauldron.

18. Hedwig arrives at the graveyard; saves Harry, eats Voldemort, and tears off Peter's legs after Peter foolishly transforms into his rat form.

19. Harry starts possessing Voldemort and making him do random things such as teabagging wormtail and repeatedly kicking Snape in the groin.

20. Harry becomes a bush pilot in Alaska/Africa/etc. after leaving Hogwarts.

21. Darth Vader has Obi Wan listed as a wanted child molester who's M.O. is to find innocent young farm boys to take on 'quests' which end in 'sodomy.'

These aren't the droids we're looking for,” the storm-trooper agreed. “But you look familiar . . .” The storm-trooper pulled out a wanted poster.

22. The Wizarding world is a corrupt Oligarchy, three or four families take turns in the important positions. Voldemort is attempting to join the club.

23. House elves have advanced degrees; Dobby has a PHD in Chemistry, Winky has one in Physics, etc. Could also be good for a laugh to say that they have liberal arts degrees and that the best jobs they can get as slaves for the purebloods.

Dobby read Shakespeare at Cambridge n'Dobby studied chemistry at Oxyford,” the house elf replied.

24. Magical fantasy vacation package; Harry signs the Dursleys up for the zombie apocalypse, very popular. They spend the year living in a wasteland being hunted by the walking dead. Year ends and they snap back into their lives as if nothing happened and no time passed.

Can't remember who suggested: Dudley has a great time, he spends the whole vacation chasing after freaks and eating their brains.

25. Voldemort possesses Crookshanks; No one notices though Hermione thinks her cat might have gotten slightly less evil than he was before, he is a cat after all. There's also the fact that sleeping twenty three hours a day makes it much more difficult to plot.

26. Seen a few fics where students (usually Harry) off themselves by jumping off the Astronomy Tower. Doesn't make sense to me to have that in a magic school without some way of catching the little dears, then again it is Hogwarts, but bear with me. This idea is that the students find out about this and start jumping off the tower for kicks, kind of a magical version of bungee jumping.

27. James and company slap a couple enchantments on the hat to make Harry's sorting more interesting.

Bwahahahahaha,” the Sorting Hat began laughing maniacally. “Awesome House with an Awesome Harem.”


HEADMASTER!” The Hat shouted.

Do you mean to say that I'm supposed to mentor him?” Dumbledore asked, looking pleased by the notion.

I mean to say that he's the new Headmaster of Hogwarts, not get out of his seat, chump,” the Hat replied.

or even

Pimp lord!” The Hat screamed.

What exactly does that mean?” Minerva demanded.

All your bitches belong to him!” the Hat bellowed.

28. A master of Genjutsu is able to make every detail seem real since the smallest imperfection will alert their victim that something is wrong. Our subject skips all that and just focuses on making one detail of the real world seem wrong. While the high level ninja is trying to dispel things, s/he takes advantage of their distraction to do whatever, stab them in the nut sack or something.

29. This one's more a things I've been meaning to write. We've all seen the fics that have Naruto dressing up in disguises to become an awesome assassin/bounty hunter/etc. while still a student at the academy. I'd like to seem him dressed in; a red jacket, a black hat, knee high boots, and white pants. This along with a white wig and a fake mustache. He then goes on to be the most feared (insert here) that ever lived and thanks to his fearsome style of hand to hand combat, he earns the nickname . . . the Nutcracker. Just amused me thinking of Naruto dressed up like a nutcracker, stole the martial arts style from RobotChicken.

They say he knows over four hundred testicl* based attacks.”

30. Naruto finds a scroll for a summons and learns from said summons. Was thinking of writing this using a cat summons, could make a pretty good ninja. What I'd like to see is a leopard or lion summons, could make a pretty good pimp ninja. Leopard skin, Lions have harems. Yes I've used pimps a few times in this list, over the top fictional pimps amuse me in ways that real ones do not.

31. It's not the EVA that goes berserk, it's Shinji. Toji gets a nasty surprise when he tries to push the spineless wimp around. On the plus side, the doctors say he may be able to walk again after a dozen or so years of therapy.

32. Sarutobi flings poo in a fight. Don't forget what his summons is.

33. Sasuke decides that vengeance on his brother is something to work up to so he starts small. First, he avenges himself on that cat that keeps him up at night with its incessant meowing. His vengeance on the cat completed, he swears vengeance on that the dog that stole his lunch. Though, if I were to write it, I'd have the cat keep defeating him so that Sasuke becomes more obsessed with getting his vengeance on the cat than on his brother. Starts thinking that his brother was working for the cat when he massacred the clan. Come to think about it, I may write this at some point.

34. Xander gets a Mexican wrestler's mask on Halloween.

35. Minerva McGonagall – Quidditch Hooligan. Scotland makes it to the finals and Minerva goes insane, she takes her gang of Gryffindors to the world cup and they riot like they've never rioted before.

36. One of the trials in the Triwizard is a pissing contest. Fleur wins.

37. The magical version of Chris Hansen goes after Voldemort and the Death Eaters.

Why don't you take a seat, right over there.”

This is all a mistake,” Lucius said smoothly.

Do you mind if I look in your bag?”

I've got nothing to hide.”

Let's see . . . . a ball gag?”

That's in case Potter is a biter,” the magic compelled Lucius to explain.

Bottle of whiskey?”

For the celebratory after kidnapping drink.”

Leather restraints?”

Can't kidnap a young boy without them.”

Box of extra small condoms?”

"I want a lawyer."

38. After the fall of Voldemort, a crack team of Hogwarts students was sent to Azkaban for a crime they didn't commit. They promptly escaped into the London underground. Today, still wanted by the Ministry, they make their living as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire . . . the DA Team.

Featuring Harry 'Hannibal' Potter - “I love it when a plan comes apart.”

Luna 'Howling Mad' Lovegood - “But where are we going to get rubber pants our size this time of night?”

Neville 'the Face' Longbottom - “Do you want to turn us in, or would you rather have a mustache ride, Deloris?”

Hermione 'Bad Attitude' Granger - “I refuse to get into any vehicle operated by Luna and don't you dare even think about drugging me again.”

And many more.

39. I know that there has to be a way to work in Voldemort's laundry, all I can think of is skid marks and Peter having a bad day.

40. Sirius Black – Sexual Detective

41. Jack O'Neill, April O'Neil; cousins, siblings, or something else? A Stargate/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles xover.

42. Harry uses his connection with Voldemort to convince him that Draco and Snape are planning to drug and sodomize the dark lord since they've got a dark lord fetish.

43. Vernon is a vet of the Falklands, would work this into a good Dursley story if I did it. Possibly having the man attribute his survival to a charm Lily gave him.

44. Seen a couple fics where Harry decides to become a ninja after reading Naruto. How about one where Dobby finds Naruto? Harry's loyal clan of House Elf Ninja could be good for a laugh.

45. Due to her initials, Hermione's dorm-mates nickname her 'hand job.' I suppose this could also work for Harry.

46. I've seen a few fics in which death/a god/dead relatives tell whichever character that they failed their life because they didn't marry their true love, followed by sending them back. What I'd like to see is that this is the Hogwarts Professors visiting students in the hospital wing for a bit of match making.

47. In a similar vein, I'd like to see different gods/deaths/dead relatives show up to say different things. (or the Hogwarts Professors faking it if going with the above idea)

Death told me I needed to marry Luna. But then the goddess of love told me I needed to marry Ginny, then . . .” Neville frowned. “I'm afraid it all gets confusing after that. What about you, Harry?”

One of them told me Hermione, one told me Ginny, one told me Luna, and one told me that I needed to marry Draco to redeem him for the greater good,” Harry finished sickly.

Same here,” Ron agreed.

One of the whatever told you that you needed to marry me?” Ginny asked.


But I'm your sister,” the girl protested.

Didn't seem to matter to whatever it was,” Ron replied.

The way I see it, our choices are to join together in a deviant and potentially incestuous cluster marriage or to ignore what we heard,” Luna volunteered. “I will admit that the thought of marrying Harry is more than a bit appealing to me, even if I must share with some of the other girls. The idea of sharing with Draco does not appeal to me, not even if it's to redeem the git or for the greater good.”

I think we can all agree that the greater good can go bugger itself,” Hermione said firmly.


48. Insert main character here finds the Acme catalog. Deliveries of whatever you can think of in thirty seconds or less of whatever dangerous product you can imagine. Can't be less effective than Voldemort's usual methods.

49. Harry names his owl after Hedwig and the angry inch, his favorite band/singer evah. Or because he knows it will piss off the Dursley family. Probably the latter rather than the former.

50. Hermione checks herself into St. Mungo's wing for the incurably insane after she starts understanding Luna. Lucky thing Luna is volunteering that summer and is overjoyed at the chance to help the healers de-insane her friend.

51. When forcing Angel to take him to the Master's Cave, Xander accidentally shoots the vamp with a soul in a very uncomfortable place. The rectum, the groin, etc.

I said I was sorry,” Xander mumbled. Man, you'd think the bastard would be used to getting shot after being around for however many years. What a baby.

Come to think on it, why not make it a running joke that Xander keeps 'accidentally' shooting Angel with a crossbow bolt.

52. Sirius takes a page from the Genma Saotome school on how to live off the land, sells engagements to Harry for food and other necessities.

Featuring things like . . .

Hello, Harry Potter,” Luna greeted the boy. “I may be inexperienced, but I shall be in your care from now on. Please treat me kindly.”

and . . .

The little French girl said something that caused Hermione to blush a deep red.

What'd she say?” Harry demanded.

She says that Sirius offered her your hand in marriage for a bowl of rice and threw in an engagement to Fleur for two pickles.” And a whole lot of other things she was too proper to translate. Where in god's name had the little girl learned how to speak like a low class Parisian hoodlum?

not to mention . . .

What did you want to speak with me about, mum?” Hermione asked.

You know how we sometimes do charity work in homeless shelters?”

Yeah, mum,” Hermione prompted, a feeling of impending doom blooming in her breast.

Well, one of our patients insisted on paying us but he didn't have any money so . . .”

I'm engaged to Harry too?” Hermione squeaked. The look on her mother's face confirmed it and the whole situation was looking a whole lot less funny now that she was part of it.

Let's see; Bowl of rice - Gabrielle, two pickles – Fleur, free dental care – Hermione, for the promise that she'll stop talking for a few minutes – Luna, etc.

53. The vulture on Augusta Longbottom's hat is both alive and an Animagus. Who I leave up to you, but my thought was that it was her husband.

54. Xander dresses up as Choda Boy, org*smo's partner. Dealers choice if he's dressing up based on the movie, the p*rn, or the super heroes.

55. Following the previous line of thought, Xander dresses up as org*smo.

56. Willow dresses in normal clothes, when asked she says that she dressed up as her identical cousin Michelle. Presumably one of the items she uses came from Ethan's, a hairclip or some such.

This one time, in band camp . . .”

That whole shyness thing is no longer a problem, Xander's gonna get lucky.

57. Kind of a reverse Halloween fic. The characters that spent the night roaming the hellmouth have the memories of their hosts. Dogbertcarroll made this a challenge, I may have stolen the idea from him and by may have I mean it's extremely likely and by extremely likely, I mean that I did. I then wrote it in answer to the challenge I stole from Dogbertcarroll, still something I'd like to see more of though.

58. Shaggy got his nickname after spending a year abroad in England.

59. Connected with the last idea, at least some of his his potentially many illegitimate children are Hogwarts age.

60. Tom Riddle was sorted into Hufflepuff.

61. The second task of the Triwizard Tourney is resolved when the competitors report the organizers to the Aurors for kidnapping.

I don't no nuthin bout no tournament,” the Auror said as he dragged the protesting Headmaster away.

Tell it to the judge,” his partner agreed.

62. Harry Potter – Super Genius. I'm pretty sure I had Luna introduce herself this way in one of my fics, if not, I'm going to have to add it. Back to this idea, Harry as Wily Coyote. Could work with a number of characters, could be a lot of fun.

63. Harry kidnaps several family members of the Judges in response to the second task.

Wait!” Harry yelled. “I have a couple questions before we start.”

What is it, Harry?” Dumbledore asked.

Just to be clear, you've kidnapped my best friends and chained them to the bottom of the lake where they'll die if I don't rescue them?”

I wouldn't have put it like that,” Dumbledore dithered.

But it's accurate, right?” Harry demanded.

It is,” Dumbledore sighed.

The other champions stared at the judges table with expressions of dawning horror.

Wonderful, if you'll do me a favor of looking at this list,” Harry said, handing it over.

Why is my brother's name at the top of it?” Dumbledore asked.

My sister is number two and my niece number three,” Maxime said.

If we get our people back, you'll get yours back,” Harry announced. “If we don't, you'll get them back a piece at a time.”

Harry, you can't mean . . .” Dumbledore trailed off.

You took something of mine, I took something of yours,” Harry interrupted. “Eye for eye, tooth for tooth.”

You can't do this!” Maxime shouted.

Why not? You did,” Harry replied. “Would you like me to prove that I'm serious? I wanted to avoid that but I guess I could give you a demonstration if you'd like. The only question is, who's hostage will it come from? My preference is Snape, but I suppose I could let you work it out among yourselves.”

No gesture will be necessary, Harry,” Dumbledore said, ashen faced.

You sure? I could have his hands off and on your desk in twenty minutes.”

I'm quite sure,” Dumbledore choked.

Wonderful, I'd like to make a couple more point before we begin.” Harry smiled coldly. “You couldn't protect your loved ones and I couldn't have done this alone. I got to them once, I can do it again. Even if you get to me, you won't be able to make me talk before my confederates get to your loved ones again.”

64. Naruto disappears five minutes after mastering the Henge. They know he's still in the village, they don't know who's face he's wearing.

65. Harry gets out of the tournament by changing his name.

Harry James Potter had to participate in the tournament, I'm Harry James Evans Potter,” the boy corrected.

66. Asuka was always accusing Shinji of being a pervert, what I'd like to see is Shinji Ikari – Super Pervert. As in writes an extremely popular series of erotic novels.

67. A simple and routine DNA test on the captured princess reveals to Vader that he has a daughter. (I'll admit that I've seen similar a few times)

68. Harry uses potions on the Dursleys after his first year. Dreamless sleep seems to be a good one.

69. As easy as it would be to put something deviant, I'm just going to say that I'd like to see less poorly done romantic subplots. If you write half a story and then decide that character x and character y wov each other suddenly and for no reason, it's lazy and poor writing. (I may or may not be guilty of this one, you may be too).

70. Sirius + Polyjuice = Snape locked in a trunk and a good year for Harry.

71. Rather than a cage, the kyuubi is tied up with some rather 'artistic' knots + a ball gag.

72. Lucius Malfoy got out of prison by taking polyjuice to look like his wife and being impregnated by the guards. Pleading his belly got him out of the death sentence and gave him enough time to bribe his way into a pardon. Could be where young Draco comes from, bit old for it but that can be written around. By saying it was his first arrest if nothing else. Say he remembered to use contraceptives on his subsequent visits, possibly say that Lucius demanded the guards take poly juice to look like him when they did the deed.

73. Dobby Does Dallas

74. Harry's letter is addressed to his apartment on Sesame Street.

75. Harry deals with captured Death Eaters by sending them to a satellite and forcing them to watch bad movies.

76. Rather than be Hokage, Naruto decides to become the greatest pokemon trainer ever. To do that, he studies seals to create a ball and uses it to steal other people's summons.

Pikachu, I choose you!”

The giant toad glared down at the little brat that had captured him and painted him yellow. “I told you, my name isn't Pikachu, it's . . .”

77. Dudley Dursley the fantasy nerd LARPER.

"Cast lightening bolt, Harry!" the boy screamed. "Fireball!" he shouted, throwing another beanbag at the dementor.

78. Petunia also gets an admission letter for Hogwarts.

79. Shinji gets rabid fangirls, first one is Asuka or Rei.

80. Voldemort stayed away from Hogwarts because he feared one in in more than he feared all others, but that one was not Dumbledore. I'm thinking Filch, though I suppose Sprout would also work.

81. Sasuke walks in on his parents, the trauma is enough to activate his eyes.

82. Shinji gets rabid fangirls, first one is not Asuka or Rei.

83. For whatever reason, Harry meets Hermione on the train and names her his best friend (that's the prelude, here's the mean) not having been anyone's friend, let alone best friend, before, Hermione doesn't know what to do. Luckily, she finds a book by S. Black on how to be the best best friend a guy could ask for. Unluckily (or not) she takes everything she reads to heart.

84. Harry gets Luna to whisper sweet nothings into his ear as he sleeps. This is picked up by Voldemort and it drives him insaner.

Hmmm?” The little blond looked up. “Did you say something, Hermione?”

I asked why you've been so tired lately,” the other girl repeated.

Oh, Harry's been having me spend the night with him lately and I haven't been getting much sleep as a consequence,” Luna explained.

What?” Hermione squawked.

Would you like to join?” Luna continued. “I'm sure that if there were two girls, I'd have a chance to get more rest.”

What?” Hermione squeaked.

It's just . . . don't tell Harry, but I'm not sure I'm able to continue doing this without help.”

85. Naruto with a Jutte, not sure why. Alternately, more cowbell or Sakura with a Jutte, someone with a Jutte damn it. Jutte are cool

86. The Hyuuga clan compound is clothing optional. Not like it makes much of a difference.

87. The Japanese Post Office sends Gendo's note to the wrong Shinji Ikari.

88. Disco – the power he knew not.

89. The Potters dug a mine shaft down till it was past the wards. When they felt Voldemort breaking in, they jumped in their elevator and took a portkey to safe house number two which may or may not also be hidden and the keeper may or may not be Sirius. Voldemort is less than pleased and Peter's mutilated body is dumped in the alley.

90. Ron learns that Hermione and Hermaphrodite are two different things. He is no longer interested in dating her.

91. Jiraiya and Tsunade (along with their apprentices/students/no one else/misc) leave Konoha to start their own village. Sort of.

Well screw you guys!” Jiraiya screamed.

Yeah!” Tsunade agreed. “We're gonna start our own village, with . . . with blackjack!”

And hookers!” Jiraiya added.

"You know what? Forget the village," Tsunade mumbled.

92. Old timey Batman (the one who had no problem killing people in job lots) switches places with modern Batman. Could also work with Superman, though the old time version was less about killing people in job lots and more about super punching people into brick walls and not giving a damn.

93. Hogwarts has a safety brief before the students are permitted to go into Hogsmead. Anyone who was in the military knows what I'm talking about. I foresee McGonagall explaining the dangers of having unprotected sex with tranny hookers or some such. Or I suppose we could have the DADA professor (Retired Military/Auror/Hitwizard/???) do it.

Now we've all been there,” McGonagall began. “Too horny to be picky and too drunk to care. But just because Poppy can cure most things, isn't an excuse not to be careful.”

94. Tsunade and Orochimaru also write popular series' of smut novels.

95. Ani Skywalker fakes his death to have a happily ever after with his wife. But neither of them can help meddling in galactic affairs on occasion.

96. Lockhart gets his brains obliviated out before he takes the position of Defense Instructor. Still has the job though and is convinced that he actually did everything in the books and desperately playing catch up so he can give the students the education they deserve. (Why yes, I did write this one).

97. Remus Lupin – 70's era p*rn star. Sirius Black has never been more jealous. I foresee someone hiding out in a hotel, abandoned p*rno theater and making a surprise discovery. (Yes, he needs to have a 70's era p*rnstash no matter when the p*rn was produced).

98. The septic system was rerouted through the Chamber of Secrets (Which made a dandy holding tank) the last time the House Elves renovated the castle, the snake drowned shortly thereafter.

99. Harry addicts Death Eaters to something and forces them to give information, rob each other, turn traitor in some other way to get their next fix.

(I know I've seen this one somewhere).

100. Someone comes across Tom Riddle's abandoned diary after Hogwart's first all you can eat refried beans night and the stall it was abandoned in is out of toilet paper.

101. Neville's adventures in time. Alternately: Neville's erotic adventurers in time.

102. Colin Creavy - war correspondent. Could go well with a Harry that can't adjust to a more peaceful world. Colin didn't set out to be the foremost magical combat photographer in the world, he just wanted to keep taking pictures of his hero.

103. Star Trek fic where the protagonist is a conspiracy theorist that's convinced that the Federation uses StarFleet as a way to dispose of agitators, the sort of people that have trouble with living in a utopia. Cites the lack of seat belts, surge protectors, and firewalls that do nothing to prevent everyone and their brother from taking ships as evidence for this theory.

104. The odd atmosphere on some random planet reacts with the dye in Darth Vader's suit turning it pink, or some other pastel.

105. Jabba accepts Luke's deal, trading Han for the two droids.

106. Dobby takes advantage of the fact that he sometimes works in the kitchen to get a measure of vengeance against the Malfoy heir. And, while he's at it, anyone else that causes even the slightest bit of trouble for the Great Harry Potter Sir!!!!

107. Snape, Dumbledore, Voldemort, etc. Try to read Luna Lovegood's mind, that was a mistake on their part. Could have Harry using the girl for secure memory storage. Put whatever you don't want mind reader's to know in the girl's skull and trust that no one would dare try to pry it out. Not after what happened to the last guy who tried it anyway.

108. Draco catches Neville with his mother (and possibly one or more of his Aunts).

Oh, hi, Draco, gimme a sec,” Neville said absently. He was naked and standing before Draco's equally naked mother who was kneeling on the floor. “Pow, right in the kisser!”

109. Lucius Malfoy (or something else) prevents Percy from being employed by the Ministry.

110. Someone finally notices the fact that, other than the seeker, most of the players in Quidditch are kind of useless. Alternately, the team just sits in front of the goal posts and blocks the other team from scoring. Or we could have two chasers and a keeper blocking the goals while the two beaters protect the seeker or go after the opposing seeker.

111. Ranma finally learns his father's martial arts style of dodging problems and shoving them off onto a patsy. Life becomes much better for the boy and much more difficult for his chosen patsy shortly thereafter.

112. Sasuke the doushy hipster.

I'm wearing this scarf to show solidarity with the people of Lizard country, you've probably never heard of it or their struggle.”

I may have spent too much time in Portland, I'm not afraid to admit that.

113. Hermione Granger – Space Ranger. Must admit that something similar is slated to show up in one of my ongoing fics.

114. Harry attempts to use the Sword of Gryffindor to transform into He-Man, summon Thundercats, etc.

115. The next defense professor is none other than Australia's greatest outback legend, Russell Coight. Or better yet, some wizard based on the character. Watch the TV series if you can, read Wikipedia if you can't. Makes Lockhart look competent (hey at least he could do one spell really well not to mention his skill with cosmetics).

116. Shortly after receiving his pardon, Lucius decides that discretion is the better part of valor and self deports before any angry mobs have a chance to form.

117. Nodoka switches Ranma's engagement from Akane to Ranko Tendo. One would assume she's not yet aware of the curse, but I suppose it could also work if she was.

118. Sirius Black was too drunk to notice the Potter wards going down. The party thrown to celebrate the fall of Voldemort resulted in several rounds of free drinks and prevented him from finding out or going after Peter or checking on Harry for nearly two weeks.

119. Harry is able to use his position as head of House Black to screw Malfoy into a horrible marriage contract. Why not? It's usually Harry getting f*cked over, why not reverse things?

Harry smirked as Umbridge walked up the isle to join her groom. On the minus side, it made the bitch happy to marry the scion of a pureblood house. On the plus, it made Malfoy very very unhappy to marry the toad like Undersecretary. On the whole, he decided as the ceremony started, that look on Malfoy's face made it all worth it.

120. The students find and reopen the Hogwarts brewery. Yes, the castle would have had one.

121. Remus Lupin is part of that Lupin family. Look of Arsine Lupin. (Though I must admit that I have a nagging suspicion that I've seen this one before).

122. Something angers Hermione to an extreme degree and she reads the Hogwarts rule book. This is of course used by the author as an excuse to pull out the most bizarre rules they can find or think of.

Fifteen points and five galleons for not wearing a wool hat, Mr. Malfoy,” Hermione said sharply.

This example was pulled from an actual law, really. Admittedly, I could have found a more bizarre example, but alas, laziness set in.

123. The next DADA instructor is a master of siege engineering. I'd admit that I added this one because of how fun it would be to write the students flinging exploding sheep (or each other) over the walls with a trebuchet.

124. Some unnamed person (Thinking Luna, she's my go to for this sort of thing) mods the Hogwarts Wards that were originally placed to censor student language and have gone unused for the past hundred or so years. For example:

Your mother is f*cking hot.” Would change to “Your mother I just lost fifteen points for my house and will report to the Head's office for thirty strokes with a lash hot.”

The mods can be anything, from changing Malfoy or Draco to idiot and moron to subtracting points.

125. The connection Harry has with Voldemort has limited bandwidth and he is able to prevent anything coming in by sending as much out as possible. I'm thinking curses and hexes, but it could also be bad twilight fanfiction. Hell, he could figure out a way to have his scar pick up and retransmit radio signals.

126. Snape pulls a Michael Jackson, his hair catches on fire.

127. Something I've been managing to put in is that Luna Lovegood speaks every language, just doesn't realize they're different languages.

Admittedly, there are regional variations in both grammar and vocabulary, but that doesn't mean that they're entirely separate languages, Hermione,” the little blonde said confidently.

128. Harry manages to get Hedwig named as his legal guardian.

129. Harry gets contacts/lasic and re-attends Hogwarts. No one recognizes him and he finally gets the anonymity he craves. Alternately, a couple muggleborn know who he is and can't understand how a lack of glasses makes him unrecognizable.

130. Dumbledore has a vat full of spare Harry Potters. Every time one of them is killed, he pulls out a replacement.

131. Amelia Bones sees 21 Jump Street and thinks that it's both a documentary and a wonderful idea. Assigns a group of Aurors to infiltrate Hogwarts to ferret out crimes. Now this could be played straight, Tonks using her skills as a metamorph, but where would be the fun in that? I foresee Moody in a completely unconvincing disguise, that as in #129 fools the majority of the pureblood population. This is why your sister is off limits.

132. In a moment of weakness, Harry agrees to bond with Dobby. Dobby asks innocently if Harry Potter sir will also bond his friends. Harry, thinking Winky and maybe one or two others agrees. He was wildly wrong and things go wildly out of control.

Does Harry Potter sir wish for Zippy to wipe for him?” the little elf asked eagerly.

No!” Harry replied quickly. “I told you guys to leave me alone when I'm in the bathroom.”

133. To go with the above, purebloods use house elves for everything. Yes, everything.

Dobby, wank me and impregnate Narcissa with my manly juices!” Lucius ordered.

I have to chew my own food?” Draco asked in horror. He'd been told the seven years at Hogwarts would be the most difficult of his life, he was beginning to believe it.

134. Dobby sees some old gangster movies, Harry now has at least one house elf goon. Fairly sure I've seen something similar to this at some point.

135. First year students occasionally get lost in the halls of Hogwarts, sometimes very lost, but they're usually found within a year or five.

136. Dobby is Lucius' brother, transfigured into a house elf to make it easier to inherit everything. Could be where all house elves come from.

137. Sirius gives Harry a list of girls he should avoid as they may be his half sisters.

Well, your da always was a bit of a ladies man and your mum was a fair hand a transfiguration even if it was charms she mainly specialized in,” his godfather explained.

My mum was . . .” Harry trailed off.

Best not think about it too much,” Sirius advised. “Let's just say they had a contest going, that your mother won, and that it's best to leave it at that.”

138. Snape teaches sex education at Hogwarts and goes into way more detail than is strictly necessary.

Today we're going to learn about one of my favorites,” Snape said with a grin. “It's called the Filthy Sanchez.”

139. Snape was born a few months earlier and as a consequence, is in the year ahead of James Potter.

140. Rather than Crouch Jr., Bellatrix takes Moody's place. Just an excuse to have the DADA professor be completely batsh*t insane and to have an excuse for Harry Potter tearing Peter apart with several horrifically dark spells when he gets to the graveyard. Seems ol' Bella was a bit too competent.

141. In the third stage of Chunin exam, if you leave the ring, you lose. Naruto sends in a clone, he never entered so he can't lose.

142. Figuring that it will really piss off his brother, Sasuke drops out of the ninja academy to live a normal life.

143. Hedwig is the new DADA Professor as she was the only one that applied. Or, Harry applied for her as a joke and was stunned when she got the job. She turns out to be one of the better instructors even if Harry's the only one that can understand her. Although, her final exam where you're dropped into the arctic tundra with nothing but your wand and forced to eat lemmings for three weeks while you hike to the nearest village is considered a bit much by some of the students.

144. A fic with the other two members of the Fourth Hokage's genin team. The team he was a genin on, not the team he taught.

145. One of the male students dies and becomes a ghost. He begins haunting the Great Hall, Myrtle joins him, and let's just say they don't need to find a new name for the much happier Myrtle.

It's your fault I died!” Harry's ghost bellowed down at Dumbledore. “Your fault I . . .” a grin appeared on the ghost's face. “Okay, that's enough recovery, ready for round sixteen?”

Dumbledore sighed, ever since Harry had died he hadn't gotten a moment's peace. The ghost wasn't so bad, only really bothered him during meals and he could always eat in his office to avoid it. No, rather it was . . .

Harder!” Myrtle screamed. “Oh yes!”

All the howlers he got from angry parents. You'd think they'd be happy the school had started a comprehensive course on practical sex education, but the reaction he'd gotten the one time he'd pointed that out had been anything but.

147. With the above, bonus points if the other boys are jealous they didn't think of dying first.

148. Naruto screams that it isn't his fault that his father sealed the Kyubi into their precious Uchiha and that they can all go f*ck themselves then storms off. Several clones disguised as Anbu arrive and tell everyone to keep their mouths shut.

To hell with all of you!” Naruto screamed. “It's not my fault my father sealed the Kyuubi into your precious Sasuke! You can all just burn in hell!”

The shocked villagers stared in shock at the departing boy.

His father?” one of them muttered dumbly.

"Sasuke?" another voiced.

Further musings were cut short by the appearance of a team of Anbu.

It is my duty to inform you that the village can not confirm or deny the assertions made by Uzumaki,” the clone disguised as an Anbu said firmly. “And to further state that what you just heard was an S-ranked secret.”

Or it would be if we were permitted to confirm it,” another clone continued. “Which we are not permitted to confirm, so we are not able to order you not to repeat it.”

But we would if we could.”

The fake Anbu disappeared, leading a very confused group of villagers.

Okay, I'll admit that I'm planning to use the above scene at some point but I had to add it to this list as the implications are amusing as hell.

149. Scooby Snacks contain large amounts of LSD, which neatly explains why such obvious fakes inspire such great amounts of terror.

150. The Joker decides to become a hero and is of course horrifically bad at it. Or, even more horrifically good at it, cleaning up Gotham without a dead criminal and is then hailed as its greatest champion, much better than that other guy . . . the one with the flying rat fetish, what was his name again?

151. Zelretch takes an interest in Harry. See this as being rather indirect as interacting with the boy would ruin some of his entertainment value. Edit; found this on, it's in my C2 somewhere.

152. Purebloods are right, sort of, magic is in blood, plasma to be specific. You can drain a person's blood, separate out the plasma, and take away their magic. You can then give it to someone else or use it to increase your own stores of the stuff. I'd assume this isn't permanent, but I suppose it could be if the story called for it.

153. There's a little known rule at Hogwarts that states if you kill the Defense Professor in single combat, you take his place. Professor Harry Potter in year two? Does he hire a subcontractor or do the job himself. If he does do the job himself, he can't be worse than some of the Professors in the books.

154. Someone points out the fact that, at least in theory, the house cup goes to the biggest group of rule followers. Traitors to student kind. Prefects are the first to catch on and start giving out points as punishments.

Ten points to Ravenclaw, Mr. Smith, for using magic in the halls.”

Causing things to flip back and fourth several times.

155. Several students twig to the fact that a trunk with a bedroom is the perfect place to have an encounter with the sex of their choice for sex of their choice that's unlikely to be interrupted. (155 is Blue, so you know)

156. As a cost cutting measure, several Professors at Hogwarts are replaced by ghosts and possibly house elves. In the case of the House Elves, they're still better than Snape.

157. Harry refuses the offer to join the Quidditch team in first year, McGonagall decides to make his life difficult until he agrees. Refer to the movie 'From Here to Eternity.'

158. Seen a lot of fics where Harry gets a fountain pen, often this is used as an excuse for Snape or one of the other professors to get bitchy. I'd like to see one with a glass pen, as it's not obviously of muggle origin, I'd assume this would remove the cliche bitchy professor scene. Going to attribute this idea to Ed Becerra since I'm fairly sure I stole it from him.

159. Harry has another student impersonate him with polyjuice at the end of the term and hides out at Hogwarts during the summer. As far as Dumbledore is concerned, Harry got onto the train and disappeared.

160. The students circulate a list of the three most useless Professors, McGonagall is not amused to learn that she's number one.

3. Our ghostly history 'teacher.' Who hasn't answered a question for over a hundred years.

2. Our Potions 'Professor.' For actively sabotaging every House in Hogwarts that doesn't start with the letter S.

1. Hogwarts' Transfiguration Mistress, Head of Gryffindor, and Deputy Headmistress. Who came in first place by a wide margin for being useless at all three of her positions.

We admit that there has been some controversy regarding this, several students have come forward to state that she's actually quite good at teaching Transfiguration and that her duties as Deputy Headmistress are sufficiently mysterious that we can not judge. These same students state that Snape should take the number one spot, reducing our beloved Transfiguration Instructor to number two. We concede to the first but refuse the second as we rank Snape number one in which Head of House is the most useful. And he is, if you're in Slytherin as his bias towards his house is nothing short of legendary. We also point out the numerous attempts on our most famous student's life and while we do not know that making some token amount of effort to protect the students is part of the Deputy Headmistress's duties, we believe it damn well should be.

161. Harry begins looking for new schools to transfer to, his list of questions for his perspective headmasters is somewhat troubling.

What precautions do you have to prevent murder attempts by disembodied (or re-embodied) dark lords and/or their followers?

Can you guarantee that the Defense Professor won't try to kill/injure/obliviate/or otherwise cause me harm?

Please list any plans or plots you have that could endanger me during the school year?

If a troll entered the castle, would you: A-order all students out into the halls where they may or may not get attacked or B-take a head count to see if any students are missing and keep the ones that aren't in a secure central location while you search for the student and the troll.

An old acquaintance asks you (or you somehow acquire) a legendary artifact being sought by a number of extremely dangerous individuals. Do you: A-try to hide it in the school behind a series of traps so simple a group of first year students could overcome them or B-have it stored somewhere far away from school children. If A, explain:

Please describe the circ*mstances under which you would kidnap an orphan and place him or her in an abusive home.

What are your thoughts on the so called 'Greater Good?'

Are there any current or former terrorists employed as members of your staff?

162. Shaggy and Scooby get guns, the mysteries are solved much faster. I'll admit, I put and Scooby because the mental image of the dog on three legs firing a pistol made me chuckle as did the thought of him on two legs racking the slide of a pump action shotgun. Just pulled an all nighter meaning I'm very easily amused.

163. In an effort to avoid responsibility and fame, Harry Potter goes overseas to teach English after Hogwarts or some undefined post Hogwarts education. I did it, JK did it (though in her case, it was more a case of going over channel), a number of other authors have done it. Could be fun or a train wreck, course that describes most stories. Come to think of it, that can also describe going over seas to teach English.

164. By fourth year, Harry's so paranoid that even Moody thinks he's taking it a bit too far.

165. Quidditch, rather than gain points, catching the snitch looses a set number of points. Would make the game a lot more interesting. Might add that it could be an automatic zero at some set number of points, 23 points means it's a zero for the snitch or something.

(165 was a tannish color, flew a US flag)

166. Something happens that takes Dumbledore out of the picture, either for a time or forever. This gives Fudge or some other Minister time to paw through the great man's notes, they find evidence that Voldemort is not dead and about Dumbledore theory that love is the weapon that will destroy the dark lord. This in turn causes them to conclude that the boy-who-lived needs a harem. Engagements to Harry Potter are easy to get for your daughter, compulsorily in some cases such as those involving ex-death eaters or caught trespassing. By the time Harry gets to Hogwarts, nearly every unattached magical female is engaged to him. He's not happy about this, the rest of the boys aren't happy about this, the purebloods aren't happy that they're forced to search for mates in other countries and the muggle world.

Okay, this one isn't so much something I'd like to see as an idea that popped into my head that's got no chance of being written by me.

167. Harry keeps accidentally killing Voldemort and not noticing. Voldemort possesses a co*ckroach and Harry steps on it, Voldemort charges Harry who bends down to pick up a coin causing Voldemort's flying tackle to turn into a dive out a fifth floor window.

168. Norville "Shaggy" Rogers is related in some way to Mister “lives in a beautiful neighborhood” Rogers.

169. Harry manages to attend Rusty's summer camp for boy adventures hoping to pick up a few tips on how to survive being number one on a genocidal madman's hit list.

170. Some plot hole means that Sirius Black is found to be innocent within a year or two of incarceration.

171. A new warden takes over Azkaban and decides to make it so the prisoners can never go back to their evil ways, no matter what. To do this, he gets rid of the dementors, puts a comfy chair/couch/bed in every cell along with a TV that has every channel known to man. To top this off, unlimited ultra high fat food is provided on demand. When Voldemort arrives to break out his followers, Bellatrix weighs five hundred pounds, hasn't left her bed in years, won't fit through the door, and refuses to leave anyway because it would mean she had to stop watching television.

172. Snape is convinced that Hedwig is trying to kill him.

173. Panama Sprout – Pomona Sprout's world traveling adventurer relative.

174. The Triwizard is held at Beauxbatons. This doesn't necessarily prevent Harry's name from coming out of the cup, it does make it more difficult to accuse him of sneaking his name in. Those who insist on blaming him come up with long complex conspiracy theories of the type that even the staff of the Quibbler find a bit implausible.

175. Due to an accident that puts Draco out of commission for an indeterminate amount of time, Lucius is forced to find a new spy in the student body and who better than his niece Luna? Sure she's a bit scatterbrained, but she's a relative, she's a pureblood, and she's showing more dedication spying on Harry Potter than Draco ever did. Granted, most of her observations were a bit . . . smutty, but the girl definitely had her heart in the right place and you had to make allowances for anyone with the last name Lovegood anyway.

176. The girls from the Ghoul School start the Shaggy fan club and are happy at the rather large number of membership applications. The rest of the gang finds out that Shaggy has a fan club and that no mention is made of any of them, save Scooby. Okay, I'll admit this was fairly weak, wanted to throw in something with the Ghoul School and nothing else came to mind. Guess I should have just said, the Ghoul School and left it at that.

177. Naruto is trying to create a self wielding sword with seals. He fails miserably, something about the seals melt the sword into a short round cylinder that buzzes, spins, and moves forward and back.

Anko wiped the drool off her chin when she saw what the Kyubi brat had produced. “I'll take ten! Right now!”


Shut up and take my money!”

All of his attempts at creating seal powered devices end up as sex toys. Anko is his largest customer but he gets enough inquiries that he ends up opening his own sex shop. Has no idea what he's selling and is confused as to why his failures are so popular if you want it to be funny.

178. Immunity from the blood protection wasn't the only thing Voldemort got from Harry's blood, he also got Harry's luck. Another Dark Lord appears and Voldemort finds it's much more difficult to plot against Harry when he has to constantly dodge inept attempts on his life.

179. Harry's eyes narrowed as the Potions Master heckled him. Time to show the pathetic bastard a thing or two and if that didn't shut the pathetic dick down, there was always murder.

What do you need, Harry?” Lavender asked.

I need you and the Patils to spread two rumors, I'll let you decide how.”

What rumors?” the Patil currently wearing Ravenclaw colors asked.

The first is that if you manage to poison the Potions Professor, you get an automatic pass and they get fired.”

Okay,” the Patil in Gryffindor colors agreed. “The second?”

That at my request, Neville is busy brewing a broad spectrum easily detected antidote.”

180. Voldemort assigns code names to all of his Death Eaters. Code names such as; Trouser Snake, Crevice Snake, Purple Snake, girthy snake, snake shaft, shaved snake, snake swallower, tiny snake. Sense a theme? Not to be outdone, Dumbledore begins assigning code names to order members.

Alistair you will be-”

Already have a nickname,” Moody interrupted, not wanting to be tagged with something like what Dumbledore had already assigned to the others. Poor Bill getting saddled with a name like Flaming Fabulous.

181. The Malfoy fortune is built on the sale of 'Boy-Who-Lived' merchandise. Could also add in that Lucius' plot in second year was designed to bring Harry back into the spotlight to boost sales.

182. Lucius spent most of the Malfoy fortune to keep himself out of prison. Could work well with #181.

183. Ron betrays Harry, sort of. See below:

Sorry, Harry,” Ron said. “But Percy's family, just couldn't chose him over you.”

I'm sorry too, mate,” Harry said solemnly. “Especially about the fact that I knew you were gonna betray me so I prepared for it.”

I knew you knew, mate, your plan to counteract my plan isn't gonna work.”

I knew you knew I knew,” Harry countered. “And while your plan to counter my first plan is a thing of beauty, I think you'll find that my plan to counter the plan you planned to counter my first plan is not something you can cope with.”

Hate to break it to you, mate,” Ron sighed. “But I knew you knew that I knew so-”

Oh, just get on with it!” Percy demanded.

Hey, this is an emotional moment for us,” Ron replied hotly.

Yeah,” Harry agreed. “I'm dealing with the betrayal of one of my closest friends and he's dealing with the fact that he's betraying one of his closest friends.”

“Yeah!” Ron agreed. “Have a heart you wanker.”

You tell him, Ron.”

I have half a mind to shag your girl for that, Percy,” Ron told his brother. “Serve you right you insensitive git.”

You know what they say, give her two pounds and you're into a Penny.”

Penny perfect tit*, the Hogwarts bicycle,” Ron agreed. "Everyone's had a ride on her."

Why . . . I . . . you . . .” Percy's complexion matched his hair and a trickle of rage foam trickled out the corner of his mouth.

Say, Harry,” Ron began, hoping to push his brother over the edge.

Yeah, mate?”

Can I borrow two pounds?”

Why don't we make it four and we'll do her together?”

We're gonna have to continue this in an hour or two, Percy,” Ron said with a grin. “Places to be, your girlfriend to do.”

It'd only be thirty seconds if it was just Ron,” Harry whispered. "But I don't have to tell you about that family trait, being a fellow Weasley and all."

ARRRGGGG!” Percy snapped and tried to throttle both boys at once.

Was it something we said?” Ron laughed, dodging out of the way.

All that anger can't be healthy,” Harry agreed, batting the hand aside. “How bout I lend you three pounds and Penny'll give you the works?"

"You haven't lived till you've had all six inches of her tongue up your rectum,” Ron added helpfully. "I can give you a big list of people who'd be happy to attest to that fact."

"My name's on that list," Harry said cheerfully. "So's Ron's."

"Hermione's too," Ron agreed. "Might be easier to give you a list of people who haven't yet had the pleasure."

Later . . .

That was fun,” Ron remarked.

Sure was, mate,” Harry agreed. “Which ministry official do you reckon you should betray me to next?”

I still don't see why we can't take turns,” Ron whined. “Why do I always have to be the traitorous git?”

Because Hermione would be arrested on sight for being muggleborn . . . uh, and I can't really see her playing along with something like the whole 'your girl's a slag' bit we did with Percy.”

Be bloody hilarious if she did,” Ron interjected. "Can you imagine her talking about how great it is to have a tongue up her ass. Think of all the stick jokes we could make."

Agreed, but she won't,” Harry agreed. “Second reason is because the reward for my capture or death is ten times higher than yours.”

Not bloody fair it's not,” Ron growled. “You always get everything!”

Save it for the next sucker.”

"Say, Harry?"

"Yeah, Ron?"

"You think if we do this enough times, they'll make the reward for my death or capture higher than yours?"

"We can only hope, Ron."

184. A Scooby Doo Rambo crossover.

He's in the woods, sheriff,” the general said with a grin. “It's his home, the place he's most comfortable. Sending men after him will just get them killed.”

What do you suggest I do then, general?” the sheriff sneered. “Just sit around because no one can find your wonderboy?”

I didn't say no one, there's one man that could. Best scout dog handler the Army ever produced. Tell your men to be more polite to this one when he shows up, Rambo alone is a problem. Rambo and Shaggy? You might as well cut your own throat.”

. . .

They sent you after me, Shaggy?”

Like, the general asked me to find you, I did.” He dropped his pack. “He didn't ask me to do anything else.”

So what are you gonna do?”

Sandwich?” Shaggy asked, handing over a wax paper wrapped package. “Cold beer too, I put it in a stream two miles from here for an hour before I came up the hill.”

Rather bad scene, I know. Been trying to write this for the last few days, just can't seem to get them to flow together so I tossed this obscenity together to mark the place of something good that may never exist.

185. Dobby, the god emperor of mankind.

186. Someone introduces Professor Vector to the slide rule and/or the Curta Calculator, she has a new love in her life. Yes, I know early forms of the slide rule have existed since the 1600s.

186-Guardians of the Western Gate

187. Sirius Black maintains that McGonagall is the hottest of the Professors.

188. Harry decides to use the Basilisk to his own benefit. The head, he has stuffed and mounted above his bed (causing one of the other boys in his dorm many a sleepless night), the skin he has made in to curtains or something, the bones get turned into a number of things including the handle for his new toothbrush, etc.

189. Shaggy is Hogwarts' newest Defense Professor. His qualifications are better than the majority of the Professors that showed up in the books. One presumes he can do at least some magic for this one. Another thing I've been meaning to write.

190. It's a bad idea to feed house elves after midnight. That and several other gems of advice are dispensed when you get one.

191. A competent, but insane, Defense Professor. That or a man that wants revenge on Death Eaters and their spawn, that could also work for the following scene.

Alright, what should I teach you lot first?” the man mused.

How about what to do if someone is about to hex you?” one of the students replied.

“Right,” the Professor agreed. “Now I need a volunteer . . . Mr. Malfoy, come up here.”

Yes, Professor,” Malfoy agreed.

Now, you try to hex me, and I'll demonstrate to the class what to do.”

Yes, Professor.” Draco raised his wand and was promptly sent flying through the door by the Professor's attack. A dozen more spells followed in quick succession insuring that the blond Slytherin would not be getting up any time soon.

Did everybody get that?” the Professor asked.

You killed Draco?!” Pansy squealed.

Well of course I did, he was about to hex me. You all saw it.”

Yes, the above scene was shamelessly stolen.

192. The soldier that Xander goes as is Johnny Rico. The book version, as if there's any other.

193. Xander dresses in an orange parka for Halloween. Xander is now immortal and a good friend of Satan. A South Park crossover.

194. Harry tells the Minister that if he really wants to hurt Dumbledore, he should go after Snape since the old man has proven time and time again that Snape is the most important to him.

195. Naruto tells Sasuke that Jiraiya, the man who trained the 4th Hokage is in town and that he'll be able to get much stronger if he can convince the man to train him. He tells Jiraiya that Sasuke has been hired to seduce him.

196. Naruto begins seeing the underpants gnomes. Alternately, he comes up with the underpants gnomes to explain why he's always missing underwear not suspecting that Hinata is stealing it. Creepy stalker Hinata is much more enjoyable to write than any other.

197. A harem fic in which everyone assumes, rightly or wrongly, that the male protagonist is just the girls' beard.

198. Using a combination of clones and henge, Naruto creates several fake genin teams to make a bit of extra money on the side.

199. Dark Lord was Voldemort's second choice, first choice was Pinball Lord. Unfortunately, some deaf, dumb, and blind kid defeated him and took his title. They wrote a song about it.

200. The reason so many products have kept their labels the same since the 1800s is to sell to the magicals. While not numerous enough to cater solely to them, they're a large enough market to make a few concessions.

201. “Is Dobby gonna have to choke a bitch?” (Also called two oh fun).

202. Ranma gathers the Tendo sisters together the first night and confides that his name isn't really Ranma Saotome, who he really is doesn't matter, and that the real Ranma is the fat man getting drunk downstairs with their father. That his plan is to trick one of the girls into marrying him so he can enjoy a much younger wife. He's playing along because 'Ranma' is blackmailing him and, no they don't need to know what 'Ranma' is using to keep him in line.

203. Laser pointer + McGonagall in cat form = amusem*nt.

204. Hinata's lack of ability is due to the fact that she's always focused on Naruto when he's in the village. I've played with similar before.

You are within range of my divination,” Neji said coldly.

Hinata absently bitch slapped her cousin when he got too close. “Busy!” she growled. “Eheheheheheh.” A trickle of blood worked its way out of the girl's nostril. “Shower time.”

205. Naruto performs the Care Bear Stare with the seal on his stomach. To be honest, I'm not sure if this should be here or on a list of things I don't want to see in a fic.

206. Vernon is always going on about his time as a secondary school sports hero. Spends a lot less time tormenting Harry and a lot more time on the couch with his hand in his pants. Is this a good time to mention he also sells women's shoes? Or is that going touch too far?

207. Dumbledore decides to recruit a team of teens with attitude and forms the Power Rangers. Another one that might be better on a list of things I don't want to see, though it could make an amusing subplot in the background using the B-list characters.

208. Harry catches a magic show, the Dursleys object till the performer explains that there's no such thing as magic and that it's all tricks. Harry learns a bit of juggling, a bit of sleight of hand, and a few things that would be useful if he wanted to take up a life of crime (pick pocketing, lock picking, etc.).

(208 is where I used to live, third floor (308) and it's brown. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle)

209. A young Bruce Wayne decides that the best way to prevent things like what happened to his parents from happening again is to organize crime. To establish standards which criminals are held to, to professionalize it. Either as a mob boss type figure or as a Vetinari type. The latter seems to hold so much more potential and would also be so much more difficult to write.

210. Luna begins thinking aloud.

Hmmm . . . Perhaps I should murder all my roommates if they hide my stocks one more time,” the girl mused, ignoring the worried looks on the other girl's faces. “Would that make me more or less attractive to Harry? Perhaps I should ask?”

Less!” one of the other girls squeaked.

Did you say something?”

211. A 'Make a Wish' type story with Shaggy from Scooby Doo. On paper, he's rather impressive when you look at what he's done. Been trying to write something along these lines, been failing miserably. Such is life and also the reason I'm casting it into the world.

212. Rather than an Owl, Hagrid gets Harry something much more . . . cuddly.

213. Orochimaru admired his nude reflection in the mirror. "I'd f*ck me," he said in a low, throaty voice.

214. Harry hires the A-team to deal with the Death Eaters. It goes the way it always does, the A-team gets captured and is imprisoned somewhere with plenty of spare parts to build some sort of trap or homemade tank. There's a big gunfight in which no one gets hit. The Death Eaters all go to prison.

215. Trevor is The Hypno Toad

216. "What does Darth Vader look like?!" the trooper demanded.


"I said, what does Darth Vader look like?!"

"He-he's big."

"What else?!"

"He's black."

"Does he look like a bitch?"


"Then why you tryin to f*ck him like a bitch?"

217. James T. Kirk gets a new strain of VD named after him.

"I'm afraid you've got a bad case of the Kirk."

"Thank you, Doctor," Spock said, his tone devoid of emotion. Even with hindsight, he maintained that turning down the twins' offer would not have been logical.

218. "Harry," Hermione said, biting her lower lip. "I found something interesting I think you should look at."


"Two out of ten muggleborn die before they get their letter," the girl said nervously.

"Death Eaters," Harry hissed.

"Maybe," the girl allowed. "But I don't think so. It was eight out of ten before Voldemort's rise and four out of ten during the years he was gone."

"What? Show me."

Could be a Voldemort that's using purebloods to wipe each other out, could just be that he likes to spend so much time holding meetings that the Death Eaters don't have as much time to murder innocent young children as they did when he wasn't around.

219. Hinata the creepy stalker. Sure, I use this one all the time, it's fun so I think others should give it a try.

220. Neji fought through the sedatives in an attempt to find out just who had kidnapped and drugged him. Through eyelids, barely cracked open he saw his most irritating teammate.

"Fear not, Neji!" Lee said loudly. "You are in no danger! You have been drugged because I found a most youthful medic that agreed to give you a youthful procedure that will give you more youth. We will talk again after you have been euthanized and can appreciate what a wonderful thing I've done for you!"


"We can speak again after you have become a youthnick and appreciate what a wonderful thing I've done for you!"

"That's eunuch," the medic corrected absently as he upped the sedative level to calm the panicking Hyuuga.

221. Harry looked at the smiling blonde girl and then at the business card she'd just handed him. 'Luna Lovegood - Super Genius.' She also has an acme catalog and she's not afraid to use it.

222. The Veil of Death is a Stargate.

(The original round chambered in Eugene Stoner's most famous rifle).

223. Lucius hangs himself while in custody after being caught at the Ministry.

"I was in my third year when you animals killed my parents," the guard said as he tightened the noose around Lucius' neck. "Die slow." He kept the noose tight until Lucius passed out, then loosened it until the man revived. He got ten more repetitions before eagerness caused him to wait a bit too long to revive the death eater.

(Remington .223 is not the same as 5.56 NATO no matter what people tell you,. 5.56 NATO is higher pressure).

224. Sirius takes Harry and the Dursley family hostage after arriving to hear Marge talking about the Potters. The wards around the house prevent the DMLE from resolving the situation with a violent rescue so they're forced to negotiate. Some of his demands are a bit off. This is partly due to the fact that Sirius is crazy and partly due to the fact that the Aurors give several helpful suggestions after assuring themselves that Harry is in no immediate danger.

"List of his demands, boss," the Auror said nervously.

"Let's see it," Amelia sighed. "Naked pictures of Professor McGonagall, the sexiest of all the Hogwarts professors?"

"He has a well documented Transfiguration Mistress fetish, boss," the aide pointed out.

"Yes, I see it written below the demand," she said dryly. Though she would never admit it, she thought it was quite helpful of the hostage taker to provide that bit of information. "The public execution of Severus Snape via troll buggery."

"He said he was willing to let us use giants if we couldn't find a troll on short notice, boss," one of the other Aurors added. "We told him it wouldn't be right to scrimp like that when it came to our favorite Professor and a lot of the younger Aurors are out right now looking for the biggest, meanest, most well endowed troll they can find."

"I see." Her eyes went back to the list. "He wants me to perform a slow strip show in the front lawn to the theme song of the smurfs?" What in the bloody hell was a smurf?

"I just want to say that none of us suggested that one, boss," one of her Aurors said nervously.

"Et tu, Michelle?" Amelia accused.

"Sorry, boss, but you know I've wanted another look at the twins since we left the academy," the woman admitted, shamefaced. "Just not right for a spectacular pair like that to be hidden from the world."

"Leg bone from a dragon, most expensive owl treats we can find, Ron Weasley's rat is an illegal anamagus and he wants us to arrest and interrogate him, Fudge kicked . . . wait, what was that last one?"

"Death Eater, boss, in one of the secure cells waiting to talk to you and missing a large portion of his spine."

"Exactly why is he missing a portion of his spine?"

"All had to do with one of the later demands, boss," the Auror said cheerfully.

"Of course it did," she said dryly. "Fudge to be repeatedly kicked in the testicl*s by Lucius Malfoy?"

"That's one way of reducing the bastard's influence, boss."

"Give me a quill," Amelia ordered. She spent a few minutes adding names after Fudge. See the bastard buy his way out of that one. "Be sure he gets them all before he's severely beaten resisting arrest," she ordered.

"Yes, boss."

"And when I say severely, I mean severely, none of this no multiple skull fractures sh*t you lazy idiots have been doing."

"Be hard enough to keep him alive to face trial, boss, everyone wants a go at 'im."

"Be sure I'm in the top ten or be sure that I will put you on sewer patrol duty," she added absently. "Let's see, what do we have next . . ."

225. School regulations state that you must wear Hogwarts robes, they say nothing about not transfiguring them into something more fashionable. Or a speedo.

"I'm Crabbe, and this is Goyle," the boy began in a fake Austrian accent.

They said the next part together. "And we are here to pump." They clapped. "You up!"

"Just take a seat," Minerva said, the fifth of scotch in her gut allowing her to stay calm even in the face of speedos.

226. Snape and several other pardoned Death Eaters receive notices that they've won a contest in a country they're wanted for several crimes that doesn't have extradition treaties with the UK. It is of course a sting to arrest these pillars of the community.

"Do I still get the million galleons?" Lucius asked as he was dragged out of the room in chains.

227. Itachi or some other nin has a group of musicians follow them around to play scene appropriate music.

228. Naruto becomes a free agent upon leaving the academy.

229. Harry needs to live under the same roof as his mother's blood. A couple petrifications and that problem is taken care of. The Dursley family can resume their lives when the blood wards are no longer needed, it's for the greater good.

230. Instead of a chess piece, the Lovegood home is a giant stone, highly detailed, phallus. Do I need to state exactly where they planted the rose bushes? Or that there's a fountain that shoots out of the tip, uh, top?

231. Candiru summoning contract. The holder is automatically entered into Mist bingo books with flee on sight next to their name regardless of rank.

232. Petunia loves her little sister Lily as much as she hates James Potter and magic. Lily went to Hogwarts one year talking about how vile James Potter is and came home the next talking about how much she loved him. Petunia is convinced that James did something to her little sister's mind to force her to be with him and hates herself for not being able to help. Regards Harry as the product of her sister's rape, may also regard him as the tool of her vengeance or the last bit of her sister left in the world.

233. Harry calls every goblin Griphook to piss them off.

"Hello, Griphook, nice to see you again," the boy said with a smile.

"My name is Skullcrusher, Human," the goblin spat.

"Always the kidder, 'eh, Griphook. Hey, remember that time you betrayed me and that led to your horrible death? Good times. We'll have to do it again sometime, Griphook."

"Why don't I show you to your vault?" the goblin said nervously.

"Thanks, Griphook, can't stay up here talking about the good old days forever. Which reminds me, remember that time I forced you to eat your own genitalia because you insulted my girlfriend? We still laugh about that. You've always been such a kidder, Griphook."

"Heh heh heh," the goblin said nervously.

234. Rather than get a job at Hogwarts, Dobby decides to continue to 'protect' Harry from the shadows. I foresee Harry getting more paranoid than Moody because of this.

235. The house elves are overjoyed when Harry opens the chamber for them so they can clean it. The chance to take care of the cleaning and maintenance for a part of the castle that hasn't been touched for a thousand years is something every house elf dreams of.

236. "I think . . . I think Luna's somehow made herself your familiar," Hermione said, clearly confused by what had happened. Inspired by Cal's 'Perversion Ahead.'

237. Harry's animal form is something with horns, Sirius of course decides his Marauder name is 'Horny.'

238. Dumbledore is a Juggalo. Or gigolo, both could be funny.

239. Hedwig has a neckless made out of an ever growing number of human ears. It's not explicitly explained where she got them.

240. Pretty much all you do in NEWT level herbology is get high.

241. "Fine, I'd do it," Naruto agreed. "But in return, I get to play with your tit*!"

Tsunade's face turned red, her jaw worked but no sound came out.

The orange clad boy turned to the other nin in the room. "Now will you tell me why that's gonna be funny? I still don't get it."

"JIIIRAAAIIIYAAA!" Tsunade screamed.

'Ah revenge,' Naruto thought to himself as he watched the carnage. 'How sweet you taste.' It wasn't easy cultivating the reputation of being a moron, but boy did it pay off.

242. Naruto fights Hinata in the Chunin Exams. And by Naruto fights Hinata, I mean Naruto fights creepy stalker Hinata.

"You are within range of my divination," the girl announced, a trickle of blood coming out of the left nostril. "One grope, two gropes, four gropes, eight gropes, sixteen gropes, thirty two gropes, sixty four gropes." She absently tucked his stolen underwear into her equipment pouch. "Ehehehehehehe!"

Jiraiya watched, both amazed and proud. Proud that his student could attract such a girl and amazed that she'd apparently stolen his student's underwear without damaging it or taking off the boy's pants first. He wondered what it would take to get the girl to teach him how? A smirk appeared on the man's face. Come to think of it, he was the brat's godfather. If he couldn't abuse that position for personal gain, what good was it?

243. Participating in the Triwizard Tournament exempts one from the NEWTs exam or confers several NEWTs or something.

"Screw you guys, I'm goin to Fiji to live with Sirius," Harry explained.

244. Harry uses his natural cunning to get out of having to do anything during the Triwizard.

"I refuse to go into that room with the other competitors unless all the judges agree that this is an official Triwizard Task that I have to complete."

. . .

"I'm not going to any sort of wand weighting unless the judges agree I have to because it's an official Triwizard Task that I have to complete," Harry said stubbornly.

. . .

"I'm not waitin in no tent-"

"Unless it's an official task, yes?" Bagman sighed. Why did the little bastard have to be so difficult?

. . .

Harry stepped out of the tent with a grin. "You may as well get rid of the dragon, I'm not going to do anything with it."

"You have to, it's one of the official tasks," Dumbledore said.

"Of which I have to do three to complete the tournament, right?" Harry persisted. "You all agree, right?"

"Yes! Now get on with it!" Igor growled.

"I did all three official tasks you told me to," Harry said smugly. "I went into the room, I got my wand weighed, I waited in the tent, and, since I finished first, I win."

"The first one out of the tent was-"

"Irrelevant. The judges said they were tasks that I had to complete. Didn't say anything about the other competitors having to complete them," Harry interrupted. "But feel free to disagree, I look forward to seeing what the cup will do to the Judges and organizers for trying to break their contract with me." The boy's eyes were eager. "Are you refusing to follow the contract?"

245. Harry finds a portrait of his mother, Lily is more insane than Sirius.

There's the standard: "Grand babies! I demand you form a harem."

The creepy sharing way too much information version: "Your father liked the missionary position, but I preferred the ones with deeper penetration."

The even more creepy: ". . . then I gave Polyjuice to Sirius and told him that I wanted to experiment with myself and that he was the only one I could trust." She was laughing so hard tears were coming out of her eyes. "So Severus shows up, Polyjuiced as me and meets Sirius, also Polyjuiced as me and . . . the best part is, they kept falling for it no matter how many times I set it up."

Harry rocked back on his heels, world blown after learning that his godfather had been in a years long twincestuous lesbian relationship with his most hated professor.

Now that I've written all that, I'm not sure that it also shouldn't be on a list of things I don't want to see.

246. Harry discovers he's a metamorph when he is but a lad. Harry disappears shortly thereafter. (Why yes, I did have a variant of this idea in an earlier part of the list).

247. Using his newfound understanding of the mental arts, Harry manages to convince Voldemort that Snape lied and the prophecy states that his Death Eaters will betray and kill him.

248. Harry (or whomever) confounds Snape to make him think that Gryffindors are Slytherins and vice versa, all the way down to the man taking points off the wrong house.

249. Dumbledore is convinced that the power he knows not is music. Or river dance.

250. Kirk lives, Picard dies in Star Trek Generations.

251. The reason Harry survived the killing curse is that his animal form is a honey badger. He also doesn't give a sh*t.

252. Buffy dresses as Brock Sampson for Halloween, she liked the knife.

253. Rather than a long shopping trip, Harry gets a bag of needful things. This is of course shamelessly abused by the Author. Alternately, a utility belt that contains everything you might need to fit the situation.

Harry reached into his pouch and pulled out a perfume atomizer marked 'Troll Repellent.'

or even better:

Harry reached down to his utility belt and pulled out a perfume atomizer marked 'Bat Troll Repellent.' Idly wondering where the shopkeeper had gotten such wonderful toys.

254. James T. Kirk gets summoned to fight in the Grail War. Only class I can think of is Rider in the Enterprise, only way I can think to play this would be crack.

255. Every strategy Harry has to get through the three Triwizard events involve attempts on the judges lives. First task he covers them in blood and chicken entrails before snapping the dragon's chain for example.

256. Nick Flammel, Agent for S.H.I.E.L.D.

257. More Cowbell!

"Her? She's our daughter from an alternate universe," Luna said absently. "Apparently, we copulated on numerous occasions and produced this little imp."

"Hi, daddy," Luna's near twin chirped. "Wanna see the pictures from the night I was conceived?"

258. Someone with super powers and absolutely no desire to become a hero or a villain. Been trying to write this one.

(Charlie 2-58, House of Pain)

259. Hedwig strongly disagrees with Dumbledore's decision to send Harry back to the Dursleys after the first or second year.

Hedwig's left talon wrapped around the old man's beard as her right balled into a taloned fist. "Preck." Punch. "Preck." Punch. "PRECK! PRECK! PRECK!" The owl screamed as she delivered the second most savage beating Hogwarts had ever seen. "PRECK!" She loosened her left talon and finished things off with a brutal headbutt that knocked the old man to the floor. "Preck," she added, coughing up a pellet on the old man to emphasize the point and to drive home just how bad an idea it was to go against her.

260. The section of Starfleet Medical dedicated to curing venereal diseases is named after James T. Kirk. McCoy was the Surgeon General, also had a sense of humor.

261. People become convinced that Hermione is the 'boy-who-lived' for some ill defined reason.

"But I'm a girl," Hermione protested.

"Yes, a brilliant way to conceal who you really are," the presumably stupid pureblood agreed. "Barmy, but brilliant."

262. Harry Sterling Archer. Been meaning to write this one. Dobby gets taken in by Harry and his treatment isn't noticeably better is one of the reasons I haven't. Just don't want to write a character that is that much of a bastard at the moment.

263. House elves, male or female, wearing french maid outfits.

"Mr. Potter, if you promise not to try to gouge your eyes out again, I'll unstrap you," Poppy stated.

"I've seen that which may not be unseen, it haunts me!"

264. The Slytherin upper years spend most of their time brewing beer, distilling alcohol, and synthesizing drugs in their private potion lab. The Hufflepuffs are growing a couple proscribed plants in their private greenhouse.

265. One or more members of the Hogwarts student body is a huge trekkie. Calling Susan, Bones, is the least of the wacky shenanigans they get up to. Yes, that was one of the weaker ideas here. Sue me, I wanted an excuse to put in the word 'shenanigans.'

266. Bellatrix only became a Death Eater as an excuse to meet more muggles.

267. Sirius gets distracted at a critical moment in Peter's escape plan.

The rat-faced little man suppressed a smile when he saw his former best friend approach. It was all a matter of timing now, the Aurors on their way, all he had to do was scream something that would incriminate the scion of the Black family and w-hat in the hell was that idiot doing?

"WORMTAIL!" Sirius screamed. "I'm gonna-" the sign caught his eye. "Live nude girls, huh? Guess it wouldn't hut to take a quick peek before I kill the traitor."

The Aurors arrived a couple minutes later and arrested the crying man in the street since the fact that he hadn't tried to run away from what passed for the law in wizarding society was, in their eyes, a strong indication that he was guilty of something.

268. Percy wanted to join the Ministry because the twins convinced him that there was an official Ministry Bikini Inspector.

269. There really is a position in the Ministry called 'Bikini Inspector' that may or may not have something to do with inspecting scantily clad women.

270. Dudley Dursley is a LARPER. (Why yes, I did have a variant of this earlier in the list, you gotta do these things if you want to expand the number of things on your list and are too lazy to do it the honest way)

"Lightening bolt!" he screamed, pelting his cousin with bean bags. "Lightening bolt!"

271. The Potter family was out when Voldemort arrived, out of spite, he turned his wand on the only living thing in the house. Meaning, the hamster that lived, the goldfish that lived, the sniveling cowardly rat animagus that lived. When Harry arrives at Hogwarts, everyone wants to know about the pet-that-lived for about three years after Voldemort's attack, then was flushed down the toilet/buried in the backyard/eaten by crows.

272. Haruhi catches the tail end of one of Kyon's meetings with the esper organization and hears enough to become convinced that he's some sort of secret agent/man in black. Her reality warping powers kick in and begin to give Kyon the skills she thinks a James Bond type would have. Kyon is aware of none of this and is completely confused when he's jumped by a group of ninjas, even more confused when reflexes take over and he handles them all without breaking a sweat. Other things happen including his normal possessions turning into weird super spy gadgets. Haruhi witnesses some of this and that strengthens and grows her delusions which in turn warp reality even more. Haven't decided what she decides about him, leaning towards her deciding that he's a rogue agent and has been dropping clues for her to work out the truth, the deepthroat to her Mulder.

Been meaning to write this one, been failing at it too.

Rest in Peace Durandal, I regret the fact that I didn't email you again when I had the chance. Planned to, just never got around to it. Doubt you'd have remembered a random guy from the 90's era FFML, but I still regret it. Such is life.

273. Seen a few fics in which Harry refuses to participate in the Triwizard and get's the magic of whomever put his name in. Twist on that is that it's not just Crouch. Snape did it because he's a bastard, Dumbledore to further his evil plots, Ludo because he thought it would be more exciting, etc. Even if he doesn't get the magic, it'd be amusing if they had to participate and it's three schoolchildren and two dozen irresponsible adults.

274. Hinata takes stalking to a new level.

The last thing Haku remembered hearing before the world turned to pain and darkness was; "Ano, th-this is my hiding spot."

. . .

Zabuza's eye twitched when he saw his apprentice flop out of the tree to land face first on the cold unforgiving ground. "This is your lucky day, Kakashi, it seems I have something to take care of before we can fight out duel."

Starting to think I might have put too many stalker Hinata ideas in here, perhaps I should gather them up in one fic or stop writing them? Oh well, not like it matters for a random idea file.

275. Luna prepares to go on her first date and gets some advice from her father.

"Um . . . just remember, there's no reason to buy a cow if you can get the milk for free," her father said, looking uncomfortable. "Do you understand what I'm saying, lemongrass?"

"I think so," Luna chirped. "You found someone willing to give us free milk."

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all," he replied.

"So . . . we're getting a cow?" she asked slowly.

"No, we're not getting a cow."

"Why not?"


"I think a pet cow would be lovely."

"Oh no, this would be just like your gerbil and you know how that ended up."

"It drank some unstable potions, grew to a thousand times its size and destroyed one of the neighboring houses?"

"Right," he agreed.

"But I never liked that house," she sniffed. "So it was all to the good."

"Neither did I," her father admitted. "Spoiled the view of the house behind it."

"Which is much more interesting, architecturally."

"The brickwork on the chimney is something I could stare at for hours," he agreed. Hopefully he'd have more free time after his daughter took over the family business, he thought wistfully to himself.

"So what kind of cow should we get?" Luna asked, trying to get the conversation back to what she thought was the original topic.

"I was thinking a holstein," her father replied. "That way we could get matching shoes."

(AKA 7x57, one of Bell's favorites)

276. Or, a variant on the above.

"Um . . . just remember, there's no reason to buy a cow if you can get the sex for free," her father said, looking uncomfortable. "Do you understand what I'm saying, lemongrass?"

"You're planning to have sex with a cow?" Luna asked, shooting her father an odd look. "Have you been spending too much time around the Dumbledores again?"

277. Twisting in the Hellmoth's halloween challenge in which Xander dresses as Seina Yamada, GP's most feared pirate hunter. Also been meaning to write this one, just can't get it to flow.

278. Harry hires a lawyer, a sweet plump woman with a warm smile. The woman is a former Hufflepuff and decides she likes Harry.

Harry's lawyer's hand shot forward and her finger's wrapped around the Ministry toady's throat. “Admit it,” she screamed, punching Umbridge in the face. “Admit that you set my client up.”

Objection,” Fudge squealed.

Hmmmm?” Amelia looked away from the scene of horrific violence. “Overruled, I'm gonna allow it.”

Harry's lawyer wipes the blood off her hands. “The defense calls Minister Fudge to the stands.”

Eek,” Fudge squeaked, hoping his robes would soak up the urine before it became visible.

279. Harry goes to a new country, finds that society there isn't much different from the UK, that there's a dark lord, that the main opposition to the aforementioned dark lord is a plucky young kid, and that he quite enjoys sitting on the sidelines.

Harry took another sip of his drink as he watched the young heroin fight the faceless horde. He'd never realized how enjoyable life threatening adventures were to watch from a distance, it explained quite a bit.

"Faceless horde is gone and corrupt government officials arrive to cause trouble in three . . . two . . ."

"What's going on here?" a rail thin woman in a green top-hat demanded.

"Man, leaving that mess behind and coming here was the best decision I ever made," Harry said to himself.

280. Shinji Ikari - Gearhead and his heavily modded EVA Unit 01.

281. Babbage's difference engine. Must confess that I'm planning to use this in Watch, putting it here because too few people know of it.

282. Star Trek - The Wrath of Kyon, somehow Haruhi's to blame.

283. I often have Gabrielle Delacour as a foul mouthed foul minded little girl, one that spouts words that would make a seasoned sailor blush (if said sailor understood French of course). The thing I'd like to see is that the reason her language is so bad is because her nanny is a six foot four ex-legionnaire named something appropriately masculine. Bonus points if he has a five o'clock shadow, a half smoked cigarette in his mouth, and a pink frilly dress. Actually, I may use this at some point.

Think Auntie Jack or Kamen no Maid Guy.

284. Rather than a long explanation to the Minister about how Voldemort is back, Harry just says 'a wizard did it.' Fudge takes the warning seriously, it being the stated excuse for all manner of magical catastrophes throughout history.

285. Magikano Harry Potter crossovers. Figured this would be a good place for a bit of filler. A crossover with Miami Guns could also be horrifically interesting or horrifically bad.

286. An evil manipulative and incompetent Dumbledore. Arranges the deaths of the Potters and gets the month wrong. Cue Draco Malfoy the boy who lived being raised by his aunt Andromeda.

287. A lobotomized Lockhart is back for third year. He had tenure.

288. Due to the stress of whatever, Harry starts drinking. Drunken Harry stumbles his way through the adventure swaying out of the way at the right possible moment, urinating on things important to the enemy plan, falling asleep at the most inopportune times.

289. Sirius Black once had sex with a goblin. In his defense, Remus double dog . . . er, wolf dared him.

290. Been meaning to write a fic in which Luna makes an off handed comment about her cousins in Japan, the Kuno family. Of course if I did, she'd have the line 'I must have them both!' Possibly regarding a relationship, possibly regarding her decision to have cake or pie, possibly both, and possibly cake or pie isn't as innocent as one might imagine.

291. Naruto doesn't disappear in a swirl of leaves.

"Oh yeah?! Well f*ck you two!" Naruto screamed, disappearing in a swirl of-

"Those aren't leaves," Sakura said nervously.

"They're explosive tags!" Sasuke noted, voice on the edge of panic.

292. "Let's see," Kabuto muttered. "One A-rank mission, two S-ra . . . who's been messing with my cards?"

293. Rumor has it that if you ride on a jonin's back for eight seconds, you get promoted to full fledged ninja. Downside is that you have to wear your forehead protector as a belt buckle.

294. People start asking Lee about that girl on his team. No, not the one with the pointy object fetish, the other one. She's so refined and ladylike. Alternately, they ask Tenten. Maybe have someone state something along the lines of 'your teammate shows that you can be a strong kunoichi without giving up your femininity.' Neji is not amused.

295. Sakura gets possessed by a cursed tetsubo (spiked iron club). No one notices.

"Blood! Blood for precious!" Sakura giggled as she shattered another bandit's skull. "BLOOOOOOD!"

"Do you two notice anything different about Sakura?" Kakashi asked as his pink haired student ran down and brutally killed another bandit.

"Different?" Naruto replied dumbly.

"Less useless?" Sasuke suggested.

"Ah, that must be it," Kakashi agreed, turning back to his book. He'd have to remember to commend the girl for improving herself.

She is less than amused when she manages to (temporarily?) free herself.

296. New ways of doing the written portion of the chunin exam.

Whistling a happy tune, Naruto rose from his seat and walked towards the nearest corner.

"What are you doing?" Ibiki asked.

"Gotta drain the lizard," Naruto explained. "What's it look like."

"Proctor, escort this candidate to the facilities," Ibiki ordered.

"Oh no!" Naruto said firmly. "I do that and you take points off because you think I'm trying to cheat. You can't fool me."

"Naruto!" Sakura screamed. "You can't pee in the corner."

"I can't?"

"No, that's what the garbage can is for," Sakura said in exasperation. "It's like you don't have any manners at all."

"Sorry, Sakura-chan," Naruto said, looking downcast.

Sasuke smirked as he slid back into his seat, with all the attention on his teammates it had been no trouble at all to switch out a few tests and change answers on a few more.

297. The more Dumbledore thinks you're going dark, the more he protects you from the consequences of your actions. Harry figures this out and makes sure all his friends know.

The Great Hall was in chaos. The Weasley twins weren't wearing a stitch of clothing, Neville Longbottom was half way through a fifth of scotch, Ron Weasley was standing on the Slytherin table urinating on Malfoy and everything around the unfortunate boy while singing a surprisingly well done version of 'I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.' Draco, not being an idiot, had no choice but to sit quietly and take it after Harry's loud promise of what would happen if he didn't.

298. More Hedwig the bacon crazed owl. I use it, lot's of people use it, but it's not common enough. Why yes, this is an excuse to write the below scene.

"I'm not sure that's good for her," Hermione commented as Hedwig gobbled down another rasher of bacon.

The owl's head swiveled to glare at the school swot. The girl seemed to shrink as the owl swelled up, extended her wings, and let loose a menacing hiss.

"But what do I know," Hermione said quickly. "I'm not an expert on owl nutrition."

299. Deviant libertine purebloods.

"Unless it's something I can eat or f*ck, it can wait till after I've had breakfast," Draco growled.

"It's a pig."

"So, both then?" the boy asked, brightening up.

(Or a house elf, your mum, your dad, Minister Fudge, etc.)

300. Harry tells McGonagall and Umbridge that the career he wants is man on the run for a crime he didn't commit, like in that television show. He thinks that things are off to a great start and is planning to leave after taking his OWLs. Tells Umbridge how grateful he is for all the help that the Ministry is giving him to accomplish his career goals and that he's already paid for several ads, listened to the first one on the wireless, thanking the Minister for helping him drive down public approval so that he has a gritty backstory. He's quite enthusiastic about it.

(Never forget that there were also 700 Thespians, 400 Thebans, and quite probably a handful of others there too)

301. Using his influence in the government, Dumbledore has the Prophecy replaced with a fake which he doesn't bother risking people's lives to protect.

302. Dobby shows up at a DA meeting when Harry's in detention or otherwise occupied. The House elf is holding a red hot branding iron and orders everyone to line up so they can receive their 'Harry Potter sir marks.' They're like Dark Marks, but applied with a cherry red branding iron rather than magic. I don't see him taking no for an answer.

"My ass is sore because of you, Harry Potter. And not in the good way!" Hermione growled.

(The mental image has me giggling like a schoolgirl).

303. Offense against the dark arts, lesson one; Kill it with fire.

"Dudley, get the mail."

"Make Harry do it," the large boy replied.

"Harry." Vernon eyed the ball of fire that appeared to be floating above his nephew's open palm. "Enjoy your breakfast."

"Thank you, Uncle Vernon," the boy said politely. The fire disappeared and he went back to his meal.

Vernon cuffed his son on the back of the head. "When I tell you to get the bloody mail, you bloody well better listen to me in the future!"

Harry grinned, he loved fire.

(P14 was always my favorite for this caliber, though I do admit a certain fondness for the No.4 MK1* and the No.5 MK1)

304. A paperwork glitch gets Anko assigned to be Konohamaru's instructor and Ebisu to T&I. Oddly enough, they both do quite well with their new assignments.

305. Lee and Gai hammer their forehead protectors into codpieces, massively oversized codpieces. Possibly pointed rhino horn shaped codpieces that they then use as weapons. Yes, this means they develop a fighting style based on lewd pelvic thrusts. Alternately, Tenten is the one who does it. Seems like a natural extension of her pointy object fetish.

306. Trevor is a psychoactive toad - licking him makes you see things. This may or may not be the reason he was given to Neville. Alternately, the toads summoned by Naruto are psychoactive.

307. The Twins hit Snape with a charm on the first day of classes that causes him to refer to himself as Professor Dickweasel or something. Snape does not notice or is unable to notice because of the spell, cue a number of confused first years.

308. Gendo's note gets sent to the wrong Shinji. (Yup, this was posted twice. Oops). How bout: Gendo sends the wrong note. Shinji arrives with his dad's lunch order?

(My old room number in the land even more down under)

309. Hufflepuffs get ready for war. Susan pulls a butterfly knife out from between her cleavage, a firsty pulls a trench club out of their robe, Hanna dips her hand into her pocket and she'd got nasty looking pair of brass knuckles on it when she pulls it out. Wand in one hand, weaponry in the other.

310. Harry names a pet Voldemort. Thinking either Voldemort the Post Owl or Voldemort the toad, suppose rat would work too.

311. Harry creates a number of magical items after hearing he can't use magic over the summer.

"Hit this button and the target is transfigured into a pig, hit this button and they're stunned, hit this button and . . ."

312. The DMLE sets up a raid on the Malfoy residence, Fudge warns Lucius, Amelia cancels the raid. This happens every day for two weeks before Fudge demands to know what's going on.

"I figured out an arrangement that would suit everyone," Amelia replied. "You get your bribe, I inconvenience Lucius, Lucius doesn't have a dozen Aurors tearing his house apart."

She of course sends in fifty Aurors to tear the house down to its foundation after the thirty seventh time or so.

313. Annoy the hat and it can remove things from your skull. Lucius Malfoy spent his entire first year and three fourths of his second relearning how to use the toilet.

314. Geo Cacheing at Hogwarts. The idea is that the founders hid a number of magical items, rare spells, etc. around the castle for students to find to encourage the students to build up the skills necessary to seek them out. The Basilisk was one of the prizes, Tom Riddle violated the rules by not replacing it with something else after he claimed it.

315. Ron goes back in time, doesn't notice.

316. Hogwarts girls annual poker game. Odd things are bet.

"Harry, this is a bit embarrassing but . . ." she took a deep breath. "Can I have your virginity?"


"It's worth at least XXX galleons and I want to sell it," she explained. "Do you know what I can do with that kind of bankroll?"

317. Ass Pennies, should be able to find it on youtube.

"You want to know how I have the confidence to be so successful?" Lucius/Voldemort/Dumbledore/misc said with a grin. "Every day I go to the bank and get one hundred knuts, then I shove 'em all up my ass. After that, I take them all out and spend them."


"I've been doing it for years. Chances are, everyone in the magical world has handled one of my ass knuts by now, it gives me the confidence to be the best."

"I . . . I . . . what?"

"I talk to someone and I know that they've touched my ass knuts, they might even have some in their pocket. I've never touched anything that's been up their ass."

318. Luna wins Draco's bookends in a contest of wits, skill, or strength. Whichever seems funniest at the time.

319. Hagrid's cousin Al runs an animal sanctuary in Colorado.

320. Harry Potter jumps through a plot hole and grows up in Jade or Refuge - a Gold Digger crossover.

321. Harry spits into the cauldron during Voldemort's resurrection. Let's see how willingly given phlegm affects the ritual.

322. Sasuke has no interest in becoming a ninja, he'd much rather be a world traveling playboy. This may or may not be because he's the batman.

323. A potion is developed that causes rats to projectile vomit. Rat vomit fights are as popular in the magical world as squirt gun fights are in the normal world. Scabbers is not pleased about all the acid damage to his esophagus and teeth.

324. Hermione didn't obliviate her parents to keep them safe, she had herself obliviated and made to think she obliviated her parents to keep them safe.

325. Ron gets caught having sex with a pie.

"You said it was something I should do with the one I love," Ron pointed out.

"I know son, but-"

"But I love pie more than anything else in the world!" Ron interrupted. "I thought you could accept me for who I am, dad."

Ron, the crustumsexual.

326. The accident that would have killed Luna's mother in an alternate universe instead caused Luna to split into twins. They switch back and fourth between good and evil, you can tell which is which by the mustache. Alternately, it summons evil Mirror Universe Luna who has a goatee which keeps falling off because she'd not allowed into the cabinet with the permanent adhesive. Not after the incident anyway.

327. Assless chaps are part of the traditional Uchiha ninja uniform - the reason they controlled the Military Police is due to the fact that it gave them more excuses to tie people up.

328. Wrong boy who lived with stereotypical neglectful parents in which Harry and his twin (let's call him Ralph) switch places.

"How'd you like that special training we arranged, Ralph?" James asked with a grin.

"Loved it, dad," the boy replied. "But I'm not Ralph, I'm Harry."

"Damn it! That training was because your brother will be facing 'you-know-who's' ghost or something!" James screamed, turning royal purple.

"Just kidding, I'm actually Ralph."

"What a kidder," James laughed. "Chip off the old block he is."

Suppose this is basically the twin who lived with the Weasley Twins. Just trying (and failing) to find a way to make this story line one that I don't reflexively avoid.

329. Alternately, there is no twin and Harry's parents are insane. Could be fun to do a wrong twin who lived story without the twin.

330. Dumbledore drops Harry off in Surrey Canada.

"It was an innocent mistake, Minerva, anyone could have made it," the old man sniffed.

"It's on the other side of the bloody world you imbecile!"

"There's no need to say something so hurtful, Minerva."

331.Neville accidentally creates several useful and revolutionary potions, is hailed as the greatest potion master of the age. Snape is horrified. Might also have to save this one for Watch.

332. Rather than Ataru Moroboshi, Harry Potter is chosen as Earth's champion in the tag race.

"Six billion people in the world and you chose me," Harry sighed. "I have the worst bloody luck."

333. A scene stolen from Agent Powers.

"Professor, it's not really Moody, it's a polyjuiced Death Eater!"

"Yes, I'm afraid I knew that all along," Dumbledore agreed. "Lemon drop?"

334. Sirius goes through the veil, Harry dives after him is fairly standard. How bout everyone else following.

"Sirius!" Harry screamed as he followed the man through the veil.

"Harry, NO!"

"Wait for me!"

"WEEEEE!" Luna jumped through with a giant grin on her face.

"If you guys are gonna to do it, I am too!" Ron bellowed.

335. Galleons really are the size of hubcaps, the description wasn't hyperbole.

336. Curse breakers don't raid tombs. For the most part, they were all cleaned out centuries ago. Curse breakers allow Gringotts and Nicholas Flamel to launder gold produced by the philosopher's stone.

337. Using a variation of the Henge technique, Naruto makes all food look, taste, and feel like Ramen.

338. Using a variation of the Shadow Clone technique, Naruto makes insubstantial ramen. Yes, he can do it with chocolate and yes that makes him very popular as said chocolate is calorie free.

(.338 Win Mag is supposed to be a good caliber for Alaska)

339. Sirius, polyjuiced as Lucius Malfoy, goes to Hogwarts to have a heart to heart with Draco in which he explains that he understands why Draco is attracted to Ron, Weasley men being a weakness of his, but that it won't work out due to the difference in social standing between them. Best thing to do is for both of them to marry, pretend to hate each other in public, and meet secretly to continue their passionate affair. Sirius then takes polyjuice to look like Narcissa, returns to Hogwarts, and gives Draco virtually the same talk. Draco is convinced that both parents are doing and/or being done by Arthur Weasley.

Did something similar with Ron in a fic.

340. Shinji gets absorbed by the EVA during the first battle.

341. Hagrid is busy so Dumbledore sends another trusted agent to introduce Harry to the magical world. This agent is Snape. Rather than spend seven years with a pathetic dick in a position of power over him, Harry goes to another school.

342. Alternately, the people of Diagon Alley are less than pleased by Snape's treatment of their hero. He only avoids a public lynching due to the fact that the Aurors on scene to beat and arrest him in time to save his life.

343. Keitaro Urashima changed his name to Keitaro Oe in an attempt to escape his past. This may be before or after his grandmother's attempt to get him to manage an inn. Study! Study! Study!

344. Snape grows a handlebar mustache which he constantly twirls with a finger. He also has a habit of kidnapping young maidens and tying them to the Hogwarts Express tracks. Said maidens are generally rescued by a mysterious figure wearing a red coat and a broad brim hat. Might be a bad time to mention that the figure's name may or may not be Dudley, or at least that he goes by the name Dudley.

345. For some reason, Haruhi takes hallucinogens. On a doctor's recommendation, slipped into her food, she just decided to experiment, whatever. Things do not go well.

346. The Vulcan Nerve pinch used as a solution to every problem.

"Number one, did you get that-" Picard froze for a second before toppling to the ground.

Harry looked up at the giant snake and then at his tiny hand. He was only going to get one shot at this.

Naruto grinned as he watched his clones incapacitate everyone in town. Two hours of looting and four to run before it started to wear off.

347. Knowing that his luck sucks balls, Harry has a plan to counteract the fact that his name will almost certainly come out of the goblet.

Dumbledore opened his mouth to read the fourth name. "Draco 'the Little Bitch' Malfoy." Wait, that wasn't what he'd intended to say.

Harry grinned, he knew that ventriloquism spell would come in handy.


"Severus 'the Pathetic Dick' Snape."


"It appears to be my name."


"Corny 'the Corrupt' Fudge."

or how bout

"Everyone of you except Harry Potter. Line up you little bastards."

348. Someone gets the bright idea to form FiendFire into a sword like shape to make a light saber. Doesn't reflect spells so much as consume them. But, eh' close enough.

349. Anko bets on Naruto's match against Neji.

The unstable nin's teeth ground in frustration, she had a lot of money riding on the little bastard and at this rate, he'd never beat the Hyuuga unless . . . "Right," she said to herself. "One distraction coming right up."

"Hey brats!" Anko screamed. "Get a load of these!" The gifted kunoichi lifted up her shirt to give them a glimpse of her bountiful bosom.

"Gurk!" Blood shot out of Naruto's nose, the show he'd just been given awakening his latent pervert genes.

"My eyes!" Neji squealed, coincidentally having been blinded by Naruto's nose bleed.

Anko frowned. "That's not what I . . . whatever, at least it worked."

350. Naruto thinks the Academy is so great, he never wants to leave it. This of course makes things difficult when it's time to assign him to a team.

351. Naruto does the whole summon without a contract thing and gets humming birds.

352. Or a Mongoose summing contract.

353. Harry bribes Dudley to take polyjuice and take his place on the Hogwarts Express so that he has extra time to get the hell away from the UK.

354. He uses leprechaun gold.

355. Shinji and Asuka have a bet on who can use their status as pilots to seduce the most women, Shinji conceded that she'd win the men's portion. Rei wins.

356. Rei wins with a stupendously enormous score.

Addition by: dogbertcarroll

Involving the Reiquarium and a sports stadium.

357. Shinji is captured or something. The food in prison or whatever is better than Misato's, the treatment by the brutal guards is better than what he gets from Asuka, his cold unfeeling interrogator is a nicer guy than his father. Shinji never wants to leave.

"It's not stockholm syndrome, it's just . . . his life really really sucked before he came here."

"I actually kinda feel sorry for the little guy," the head torturer added.

358. Luna Lovegood - Sex Coach, she likes to watch.

"Now nibble on her left ear while slowly tracing your right index finger down her spine," Luna ordered.

359. Harry gets a new wand that has an interesting component. For example:

"Hermione, could you help me translate something? Your French is better than mine."

"Sure," she agreed, taking the note.

"Gabrielle sent me a new wand and I can't make out what the core is."

"Hair." She thrust the note into his hands.

"What sort of hair?"

"Never you mind that," Hermione snapped, turning a deep red.

360. The power he knew not was a flamethrower.

361. Sirius ends up in the Star Wars universe, somehow gets a light saber, holds it between his legs, and acts like it's his penis while making lewd pelvic thrusts. I'd say the veil would be as good a reason for this as any.

Seen a couple Harry goes into StarWars fics and figured, why not Sirius and why not make a mockery of the whole idea?

362. Xander dresses as the Dayman for halloween. You know, the fighter of the Nightman? Champion of the sun? He's a master of Karate and friendship for everyone. He got the idea from his cousin Charlie who's a part owner of a bar on the east coast.

363. Good news, Xander/Harry/Naruto/etc. gets a guardian angel. Bad news, the angel's name is Dokuro. Pi piru piru piru pi piru pi.

364. When Tsunade tells Naruto that she'll beat him with one finger, he counters that he'll beat her with two using his teacher's signature technique. I'm speaking of course of Kakashi's 10,000 years of pain, the Kancho. Speaking plainly, Naruto ass poke's Tsunade and survives. Jiraiya may not, depends on how fast he can explain that it's Naruto's other teacher's signature technique. On the plus side, Tsunade is no longer reluctant to return to the village. On the minus, her reason to return is to beat Kakashi to death.

365. Harry tells Umbridge and McGonagall that he's recently found out just how much gold he has and that he plans to be a man of leisure after taking his OWLS.

"Wasn't a hard choice to make, Professor," Harry said cheerfully. "On the one hand, we have the United Kingdom where I'm constantly dodging attempts on my life. On the other, we have the French Rivera and a topless beach popular with veela of loose morals. Only reason I'm bothering to stay till the end of the year is that I only get full access to my accounts after finishing my fifth year."

Sirius couldn't be prouder.

"You say that you're planning to leave Hogwarts after taking your Owls, Ms. Granger?" Minerva asked, feeling faint.

"I am, Professor," the girl agreed primly. "You see, Professor, Harry told me about this beach in France that has topless veela of loose morals and . . ."

At the same time around the school, the other three heads of house were having similar conversations with the majority of the rest of the school. Who knew topless beaches filled with veela with loose morals were such a big draw? Well, aside from everyone with a working brain of course.

366. Sirius or some other notable changes the statue of magical brethren.

The largest figure was the house elf, who now bore a surprising resemblance to Harry's stalker. Kneeling before him, eyes closed, mouth open, hand lifting up ragged looking pillow case to gain access to the house elf's genitals was the statue of a wizard which bore a strong resemblance to the head of the Malfoy family. Behind the house elf stood the representations of the rest of the magical beings, each waiting for their turn to give Lucius Malfoy a shot in the mouth.

367. Hagrid takes Harry aside after his sixteenth birthday to give him a few tips on how to please a woman. Things he learned from his dad, you know, the little guy who bagged a giantess.

368. Someone starts using the word 'Tonks' as slang for penis to annoy our favorite metamorph.

"I'm fine, but my tonks itches," Harry replied. "I think the twins did something to my boxers."

Yes, the only reason I did this one was as an excuse to write the above line.

369. Someone mixes polyjuice with the snacks on the train to Hogwarts. Everyone shows up looking like Harry Potter.

370. To save Buckbeak, they put a sandwich board on him with the words 'ordinary post owl' and put him in the Owlery. The finest minds in the Ministry search the school a dozen times without finding the creature. Yes, the Owlery is filled to capacity with dozens of other creatures marked with signs declaring them to be ordinary post owls, yes Hagrid is hiding at least one dragon there.

371. Polyjuice + a camera = incriminating evidence on the front page of the Prophet.

372. The angel DNA they used to create Rei was from Dokuro. Pi piru piru pi piru pi.

There just aren't enough Dokuro references in the world.

373. The Commandant at Calloway Military Academy recognizes the new teacher at Miss Grimwood's Finishing School for Girls as the man who saved his life in Vietnam. Planning to use this when I get around to writing a multi chapter Scooby Doo fic.

374. Both the decline of British industry over the last few decades and the increased regulations on the personal ownership of firearms over the last century are due to the magical government. Less people with guns means it's safer to launch random attacks on innocent people - I'd lay the industry on the magicals not having any understanding of international trade and believing that if it isn't made here, it's unavailable.

375. Hermione receives Dumbledore's massive collection of p*rnography rather than a story book. She is quite pleased by this. There are a lot of good articles in those magazines . . . really.

376. Thanks to all the bad sh*t she'd been involved in over the years on Dumbledore's behalf, Minerva is constantly doped on illicit potions.

377. Using Snape's life debt, Harry sells him into slavery. Turns out the goblins were happy to buy after doing a bit of market research to find out how many people wanted to hex him.

378. The goblins are just a bunch of midgets in costumes. Or oompa loompas.

379. House Elves are disguised goblin spies.

380. Dobby is Draco's father. Unsurprisingly, Narcissa would much rather nail a house elf than a Malfoy.

381. Draco gets expelled for flying without permission in the first lesson.

382. Dawn Summers has the power to make portals like the portal gun.

383. Dobby gets a mohawk, a large amount of gold chains, and a vest. He also changes his name to Mr. D.

"Dobby pities the fool."

384. Voldemort possesses a body sucked clean by a dementor - said body may or may not have any magic.

385. Peter keeps getting caught in rat traps, by cats, owls, etc. He also keeps surviving but with missing pieces, looks worse than moody after a few chapters.

386. Snider gets eaten by the pack.

(I remember these)

387. Rather than hyenas, the zookeeper picks tapirs. Tapirs are awesome and have large johnsons, the zookeeper was feeling a bit inadequate.

388. Xander wraps a black scarf around his head and proclaims himself to be a ninja on halloween. Gives himself a number of ever changing outlandish powers every time he's asked.

389. The gang has a priest bless donated blood, they're fairly casual about letting it get stolen.

390. By strange quirk of fate, Luna Lovegood becomes convinced that Draco Malfoy must die. A subplot involving her many attempts on his life which would have worked if they'd made even a lick of sense. Note; Draco does not enjoy these attempts on his life and may be losing bits, physical, or of sanity, or both after each one.

391. The Ministry suppresses all knowledge that all manner of common household items exist-

"There are no feathery devices to remove dust and there never were!" Fudge said firmly. "We have always been at war with the gnomes."

-and does a very bad job of it.

392. Sirius decides to hide in America in his Animagus form. He ends up traveling with a group of mystery solving teens in a green van. Why yes, he is stoned out of his mind most of the time.

393. A simple finite is all that's needed to remove a soul fragment from its container, also causes Volde's new body to break apart.

394. Hagrid has a hand cannon rather than a crossbow. When I say cannon, I mean a literal cannon with a handle.

395. Vernon doesn't really work for a drill company, that's just what he tells his family. In reality, he's a . . .

(p*rn star, short order cook, streetwalker, agent for internal revenue, guy who harasses people to buy their television license, telemarketer, all of the above . . . )

396. Harry and company break into the wrong department of the Ministry. On the plus side, the one they did break into is one that they can turn to their advantage:

Pardon for Sirius

Marriage license for Draco and Umbridge

Add a rider to the next vote to increase pay for politicians stating that:

Harry is the new minister

Fudge is thrown out

Officially proclaiming that Voldemort is a wanker

397. Exploration of Hogwarts and all sorts of crazy rooms or items. If you want your character to have a cool magical item, why not try this rather than a shopping trip? I don't mean writing a dozen pages about all the cool magical items you've thought up, this is fun for the writer, less so for the reader.

398. Harry somehow gets Buckbeak appointed as his legal guardian to keep him from getting the chop.

399. The Dursleys take Harry and dump him off as far as they can get without going somewhere the wogs don't speak English one weekend. Harry is raised by a trio of priests on Craggy Island.

400. Draco forms a veela bond with his right hand or an animal (a chicken maybe) if with a chicken, the chicken is the dominant one in the relationship

Addition by ubereng

Seems more like he'd form the bond with his animated, anatomically correct, "My Little Unicorn" plushy.

Addition by Jason Xavier

Have him form a soul-bond with one of Harry's socks, stolen from the house elves as they do laundry. Of course, the next time they do laundry the find the sock, clean it and return it to it's rightful owner.

401. Luna gets a pet monkey, things get wacky.

Harry come quick,” Hermione screamed.

“What is it?” Harry shouted as he leapt to his feet.

Dobby's gotten into a knife fight with Luna's pet monkey.”

This I gotta see,” Harry agreed as he rushed out of the room.

“Actually . . . uh . . . I expected you to break it up,” Hermione muttered as she followed him out.

402. Animagus forms can go up the staircase to the girl's tower, the magic doesn't affect them. Sirius mentions that to Harry, maybe it's written in the front of a how to be an animagus book.

403. Dumbledore did not bring the stone to Hogwarts as bait for Voldemort, he brought it as a distraction. Dumbledore figures that Harry Potter, away from the protection of the blood wards is vulnerable to attack so he brings in something he knows the Dark Lord can't resist and places it behind a series of traps that weren't designed to prevent entry, rather to delay someone for a few months. Thus, Volde is focused on the stone and Harry Potter remains un-murdered. If the Dark Lord does get caught, bonus time.

404. The dementors that caused Harry to fall off his broom during the Gryffindor-Hufflepuff Quidditch game are later seen sporting Hufflepuff colors

I knew it!” Ron shouted. “I bloody well knew it.”

405. Iruka is/was Anbu Horse. Never explains how he got the name, just looks smug.

406. Harry accidentally calls the Goddess Relief Hotline and their infernal counterpart at the same time. After things settle down and the three start talking about his life and Harry ends up making the wish that he wished the other two were always around to give him advice or words to that effect. Soul fragment is traded to Hell for the wish. Basic idea is to use the setup to justify why Harry getting a demon on one shoulder and an 'angel' on the other.

"Curse that greasy haired bastard, Harry! Curse the piss out of him!" the squeaky voice demanded from his right shoulder.

Harry glanced at the figure on his left. "You think I'm going to disagree with that?" the mini-demon asked with a raised eyebrow.

407. The Decline in British industry and the increased regulation on firearms is due to the magical government's desire to make muggles less powerful and dangerous.

408. Luna wins Draco's bookends in a contest of wits. Already posted, so, Luna switches places with Draco. Draco is confused by the fact that he's in a lower year and a Ravenclaw, Harry is confused by the fact that his nemesis' plans have gotten both better and more perverted.

409. Australians are referred to as 'Koala f*ckers' by Sirus Black. Said Australians respond that Koalas didn't have chlamydia before Sirius' visit.

(stain cleaner yeah it's the one)

410. Dobby empties the Malfoy family vaults, uses the money to make his dreams come true and to bribe Fudge.

(Will admit that I've used the theme of the Malfoy family forgetting to remove Dobby from the access list in the past. Will further state that it's fun to write).

411. Lucius Hangs himself while in custody. (Fairly sure this one is listed twice as well)

I was in my third year when you animals killed my parents,” the guard whispered as he tightened the noose around Lucius' neck. “Die slow.” He kept the noose tight until Lucius passed out, then loosened it until the man revived. He got ten more repetitions before he inattention caused him to wait a bit too long to revive the death eater.

412. Dumbledore explains how the world works to Snape.

I've turned a blind eye to Severus' activities because I must, because he is important to my plans and because he knows how important he is to my plans." One would think the man would have thought the man possessed enough Slytherin cunning to blend in. "Harry is more valuable."

"Severus isn't going to like it," Minerva stated.

"If Severus causes problems, he'll learn that he isn't as important as he thought he was."

413. The following or similar lines:

"He's a silver tongued devil,"

"Well keep an eye on him then. I have a feeling that, by the end of this, we're going to need all the tonging we can get."

414. A fic in which some misfiled paperwork switches students and instructors.

Was thinking that Kurenai snares Zabuza in a genjutsu so he thinks he's fighting her while she calmly walks away with her team and the client or in which he thinks he's a pretty pretty princess and the following scene in the exams:

Neji growled in frustration when his cousin turned into a log in mid strike. "So this is the might of the main house?" he mocked. "The ability to run away.

"I have spent the last six months training under one of Konoha's most renowned and dangerous nin, brother." Hinata's voice seemed to echo through the arena. "Famous for being one of the youngest ever graduates of the academy, student of the fourth hokage, and for copying over a thousand techniques, including this his favored and most deadly."

Neji tightened his guard, trying to prepare himself for the onslaught he knew was coming. He failed.

"TEN THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN!" Hinata screamed, shooting from the sands and impaling her unfortunate cousin.

Neji screamed in pain as the force of the girl's thrust caused him to fly out of the arena and into the stands.

Mostly for that scene.

415. Danzo is the rumored Unkokage of the village hidden in the sewer.

416. Naruto acts out in a different way.

I screwed your mom no jutsu!” Naruto laughed.

Genjutsu making the victim repeatedly see Naruto banging their mom, related to the I screwed your sister no jutsu and the I screwed your daughter no jutsu

Might show Sasuke an image of Naruto violating the corpse of the last matriarch of the Uchiha clan, might give him a glimpse of his mother alive making him repeatedly taunt Naruto to get another glimpse at the woman and giving him odd complexes (or making others think he has a seriously f*cked up mother complex).

417. Owl Summons.

Don't you think arson is going just a bit too far?” Naruto asked.


They did laugh at me,” Naruto agreed.

Preck preck.”

Yeah, I guess so.” Still not enough reason to block the doors and burn them all alive in his opinion, but Hedwig was the professional here.

Hedwig, from the nest hidden in the Arctic

418. The Adventures of Rick and Shinji

(The Adventures of Rick and Morty, see the cartoon and/or CrazyDan's xover with Buffy).

419. Shinji Ikari - Major Spark. The scenario is f*cked, proper f*cked.

420. Itachi only killed clan members that had awakened their bloodline. The Uchiha clan is still large, but has little to know power thanks to the fact that they have very few ninja.

(Too Easy).

421. Harry gets past the Dragon in the first task with a clipboard. No one notices a guy holding a clipboard. Could also be used for a number of other situations.

(Too easy +1)

422. Alternately, that's how Naruto gets away with all his pranks.

423. For whatever reason, Hagrid gets Harry a house elf. Said house elf is dressed like a victorian era criminal, cigar, derby hat, hidden revolver. Shopkeep think he's part goblin and knows that his former master disappeared under suspicious circ*mstances.

"I made them offers they couldn't refuse." The elf took a puff of his ever present cigar. "They refused."

424. Luna's father calls her 'brancher' which is another term for a young rook.

425. Someone acquires the monkey king's staff and uses it as a wand. One assumes they've got some way of making it lighter if it's the original version.

426. Naruto does something with a shadow clone to make it more durable and longer lasting as a way to buy time to escape from the village. Bad enough they sealed a nine tailed demon fox in his gut, but to be a pack of assholes to him for more than a decade because of it, his attitude could be summed up in the simple phrase; f*ck those f*cking f*ckers. Fairly sure I've already done something similar to this, tend to lose track of what's on the HD and what's been posted and what's drifting around the back of my head.

427. Someone poisons every genin that's bound for the third stage and wins by default while everyone else is suffering severe stomach distress. Remarks that willingly getting into straight fights should disqualify candidates from getting a promotion.

428. Harry steals Snape's robe trick, teaches it to others, Snape is later provoked into an unthinking rage when someone compliments him on how well he does the Harry Potter robe swish, adding that he must be a giant Harry Potter fanboy to put in so much time perfecting it.

429. An overly affectionate octopus.

430. Someone doctors the Hogwarts point book to make it sound like the staff and prefects are deviants.

"Five points to Draco Malfoy for having the best wang washer in the school, awarded by . . ." Madame Bones' eyebrows went up. "Everyone?"

"Et tu, Hermione?"


"Twenty five points to Dean for his ability to clear a room with his intestinal gasses?"

431. Young Harry Potter is gifted with a large number of house elves. Yes, this is basically Harry is raised by a pack of house elves that terrorize the Dursley family, possibly without even meaning to.

432. Tom Riddle becomes a Dentist rather than a Dark Lord. Yes, this idea is based on the song.

433. Kiba becomes the toughest kid in class after having to fight everyone that made perverted comments about his mother and sister. May as well just say Kiba becomes the toughest kid in class after regularly fighting everyone.

434. The village hidden in the Clouds gets their clouds from burning things bought from the Leaf village in the land of fire.

435. Xander dresses as out favorite Wizzard from the Disk.

436. Draco manages to avoid insulting Hagrid long enough to hear that he rescued Harry from the horror of living with a bunch of muggles, completely transforming his image of the man. Oafish moron becomes dimwitted hero.

437. Sasuke is more interested in rebuilding his clan than he is avenging it. By rebuilding his clan, I of course mean he's a deviant lothario.

"Meh, most of them were jerks anyway."

. . .

"My name is Sasuke, I became a ninja because I needed to find a way to increase my stamina. My dislikes are; condoms, STDs, jealous people . . ."

. . .

"Hey, Naruto, is that sexy form fully functional?"

. . .

"You know what?" Sasuke asked. "Just for that, we're going to seduce your mother and gang bang her all night. Maybe being kept up by her screams of pleasure will teach you not to be such a whiny bitch."

"Dibs on the mouth!" Sakura's distant voice called out.

438. After getting home from his first year at Hogwarts, Sirius confesses to his father that the reason he asked the hat to sort him into Gryffindor was because it had the most girls, that his mother had told him Slytherin was the place to meet proper young ladies of good breeding, that his aunt had told him muggleborn and halfbloods and blood traitors were known to engage in all sorts of perverse acts of debauchery, and that he decided that he had to experience that for himself.

439. Neville has a girlfriend at Beauxbatons. It's in France, she's French, you wouldn't know her. His roommates are skeptical that she exists and mock him unmercifully.

"So, Nev, turns out the frogs are coming for the tournament this year. Think we'll finally get a chance to meet that girlfriend of yours?"

"I don't know," Neville admitted. "She didn't say anything about visiting."

Which of course leads to one of the girls (Fleur?) from Beauxbatons rushing to embrace Neville as soon as she arrives.

"I wanted it to be a surprise," the girl said breathlessly. "Was it a good one?"

"The best," Neville agreed, unmindful of his stunned dorm mates.

440. Naruto takes advantage of the fact that he has access to the Hokage's office to add aliases to people's files. These aliases eventually get out to be added to bingo books leading to some amusing pre-fight banter.

"Kancho Kakashi, violator of over a thousand asses, Konoha's one eyed pocket snake. . ."

"Sasuke Uchiha, aka duck rectum head, a . . ." the nin took another look at his bingo book. "Really?"

"I never thought I'd face you in battle, Big tit*."

441. The symbol of the house of El or the Kryptonian mark of hope or whatever the hell they're saying it is now didn't look like an 'S.'

"What's that on his chest?" a reporter asked.

"It looks like a-" another began.

"I'm aware of what it looks like," the Editor snapped.

"They're already calling him 'Biggus Dikkus' on the internet," intern bob reported.

Inspired by "San Damiano Cross" a 12th century religious painting.

442. The most disturbing of Sasuke's fangirls. Followed by an explanation of some sort.

"Who's that?" he asked, indicating a pot bellied bearded elderly man in a blue school girl uniform.

"Him? That's Bob, the most disturbing of Sasuke's fangirls."

As an aside, I based Bob's appearance on one of the many real life characters you might run into in Tokyo.

443. Harry Potter Lawn Gnomes switch with Gravity Falls style Gnomes, they kidnap Draco to be their queen.

444. "You wanna know how I got these scars?"

"I know, I know! You attempted to fella*te an elephant and your cheeks split because of how endowed it was."

Was thinking about writing a DC Harry Potter crossover in which the entire ministry crew comes along. Luna out crazed the Joker, Neville hooks up with Ivy, etc. Never gelled in the end. The above line wasn't going to be part of it, but it popped into my head when I was plotting it out.

(Got a friend who's really fond of the triple four)

445. Fawks wearing a leather gimp mask for some unexplained reason.

446. The Land of Heart and the Land of Captain Planet. Why not? They've already got Earth, Wind, Fire, and Water.

447. Hermione's career guidance with Umbridge.

"Obliviation and return to the muggle world or back alley prostitute?"

"W-what?" Hermione couldn't believe her ears.

"Well you're certainly not pretty enough to become a respectable gentleman's kept woman," Umbridge said with a sneer. "There's nothing wrong with having dreams so long as you're careful not to have thoughts above your place and remember to be realistic with your expectations."

448. Giacomo Casanova is summoned to fight in the grail war. Could make a pretty good Caster.

449. The movie Bruce Wayne saw before his parents were gunned down was 'Zorro, The Gay Blade' leading to a much more flamboyant superhero.

450. Sybil Trelawney is the new DADA Teacher.

451.The Hyuuga Clan compound is clothing optional.

This was my old roster number back in basic, still remember it after all these years. If you haven't heard the song by Rachel Bloom, you're missing out.

452. Gai's instructor was a member of the Uchiha clan, hence the the whole flames of youth thing. It's also why he was given custody of a young Sasuke after the clan was wiped out.

453. Alternately Gai is a member of the Uchiha Clan, or a distant relation. Which of course is why Sasuke is raised by him.

454. All the big names know Batman's secret identity, just as they know that an annoyed Joker will attempt to murder them (or worse, fixate on them as a replacement toy) if they let things slip and ruin the game.

Yes I know the movie did it, I also don't care.

455. Hobo Batman. Or rather, someone with the same mission without the money superpower.

May write this one myself, may even give the hero a trench club as a reference.

456. The Reason Molly was verifying the platform number is that she'd never walked through Kings Cross more than once or twice before. She'd always gone by floo or some other magical transportation method and was going through the normal side because Arthur convinced her that it would be good for the children to experience another culture, had you gotten close enough you'd have also heard her cursing under her breath.

457. Seen a few fics where Harry pisses in the Cauldron to disrupt Voldemort's resurrection, don't recall one where he did it while he was still tied up. Yes, the power he knew not was the ability to pee like ten feet. Be the first time in history that long distance pissing saved the day.

458. Naruto has never bothered to show up to a team meeting. Instead, he just sends hundreds of disguised clones. One gets popped and another de-transforms to take its place. Go big and say that each of his teammates has thousands of mini-clones on them at all times to keep up the ruse.

Shoulder bruiser.

459. Scooby Doo meets James Randi for a more through debunking and demasking. Why not? They met everyone else at least once in one of their episodes. (Batman, Don Knots, etc.)

460. Hedwig is more than she seems. Who believes that Hagrid would get a normal owl rather than something horrifically dangerous that was shaped like an ordinary owl?

461. Wizards are terrified of sleight of hand. They think it's some form of muggle magic that proper purebloods are unable to perform, one need not say that they also think it's dark and one of the main things studied by the Department of Mysteries.

462. The reason the DMLE requires a NEWT in potions is because Snape is the teacher. Bones figures that anyone who has the stones to take seven years of pathetic dickishness has the stones to get through Auror training. Could add a note that Slytherins tend to wash out in the first week since they're unused to being yelled at or belittled.

463. Standard neglectful twin who lived story with a twist, there is no other twin, there never was. Harry parts his hair one way when he wants to be . . . shall we say Rex (rhymes with sex) Potter and get showered with attention and gifts, parts it the other way when that becomes a bit much and he wants to go back to being plain old ignored Harry. (Wow, I'm listing a lot of ideas twice by mistake)

464. Trevor the Toad = Badass. Yes it's been used before, yes I've used it, doesn't mean I don't like seeing it.

"What does Neville Longbottom look like?"

"What?" Draco stared at the toad in shock, mind locked by the effort it took to process what had just happened.

"I asked you a question, bitch!"


The now angry toad leapt up and fell the smarmy pureblood with a well placed spin kick.

"Say what again, mother f*cker, I dare you, say what again!"

465. Voldemort's soul fragment is transferred to Snape during one of the 'Remedial Potions Lessons.'

466. Alternately, it wasn't and Harry just lies about it as an excuse to get rid of Snape.

"Sir, I have some news."

"What is it, Harry?" Dumbledore asked kindly.

"Well, it turns out I had one of Voldemort's Hora . . . however you pronounce them stuck in my scar. That's why I was getting visions of him."

"I'd suspected but to . . . wait, had?" Dumbledore eyed the boy nervously.

"Yeah, your idea to have Snape teach me was even worse than your idea to put me with the Dursleys. Turned out better though so I guess I can't complain this time."

"Please explain," Dumbledore ordered.

"Well, as you know, Snape is . . . was a pathetic dick who can't get past my father so rather than teach me, he used the lessons as an opportunity to torment me by ripping open my mind and exposing every one of my secrets. Really obvious that would happen in foresight, not sure what your excuse is for not seeing that unless that's what you wanted to happen for some reason."

"What do you mean 'was,' Harry?" Dumbledore's voice hardened a touch.

"I'm getting to that. Well, he pushed a little too hard and . . . well, for lack of a better term popped the barriers around the soul which then flowed into his mind. Left behind all the memories for some reason which is a bit of a mixed bag let me tell you. On the one hand, I now have the knowledge and skills to keep up with the bastard. On the other, I now know what it feels like to have Draco's mum give me a rim-job while his aunt kneels and sucks . . . but I'm sure you're not interested in all the details."

"About Severus," Dumbledore's voice had an edge to it.

"Right, him. Well, I also got a few of his memories about what had to happen to me thanks to the fact that I had that whor*-thing in my head and I knew what I had to do. Rest assured that it was difficult for me to make that decision as I'm sure it was for you to make the one about me."

467. Lucius Malfoy decides to off Harry with the diary in his first year. Dobby arrives pre-letter and a chance glimpse convinces Dudley (and/or Harry) that StarWars is real. It has to be what with seeing a Yoda look alike and possibly seeing him use the force.

468. Ron Weasley - Master Detective

"Looks like another suicide," Ron said seriously.

"But . . . but, sir," his assistant simpered. "He was beaten to death."

"And?" Ron yawned.

"And there's a signed note from the killer confessing the whole thing."

"You actually believe that's real?" Ron snorted.

"It's been notarized as have all the witness statements saying that Mr. Malfoy was murdered."

"If you were any sort of detective, you'd know how unreliable witnesses can be."

"So you're saying that Draco Malfoy faked a confession by someone else, had it notarized, then beat himself to death in front of several witnesses who he somehow convinced that he was murdered?"

"He always was a cunning bastard," Ron agreed, setting the confession and witness statements on fire. "Well, I'm not going to fall for it or his plan to frame some poor innocent after his death."

469. Harry spends his childhood spreading nasty rumors about the Dursleys.

"Dad's a prostitute?" Dudley asked dumbly.

"He tells everyone he works with drills, how obvious does he has to be before you realize what he's actually talking about?"

470. Eyghon wins his fight against Angel.

471. An accident throws Harry a few hundred years into some sci-fi future. Voldemort is still around and gave up that whole dark lord thing about a decade after Harry disappeared, he now works in some menial low status job and is overjoyed at Harry's reappearance since it means he finally has a way to die. Futurama cross?

As mentioned by someone else, Voldemort is Scruffy the Janitor – Written by Clell

472. Harry retrieves his cliche Head of House Ring™ - it doesn't go on his finger, it goes some place lower. No not on one of his toes.

"And this is your magical Head of House Ring," the surprisingly helpful goblin announced. "It has all sorts of deus ex machina powers."

"I don't think it'll fit on my finger," Harry said mournfully. Now he'd never get those powers.

"It's self sizing," the goblin said. "And it doesn't go on your finger."

473. People use the cliche deadly protections at Gringotts to deal with their enemies. Bit of polyjuice, a confondus charm, and the next thing your vic knows; they're claiming to be Harry Potter's long lost uncle or something.

474. Recently read a fic in which Harry gets the diary in second year, figures out what it is, and uses a few magical items to pump it for information. Rather than information, why not troll it?

'Tom Riddle?' he wrote back. 'Aren't you the great Lord Voldemort? Wow, I have all your albums. You're still popular you know, even after that scandal with the Goat and the Dumbledore brothers and your untimely death by autoerotic asphyxiation. Shame you decided to down a bottle of Ogden's best before you had your morning wank or you'd still be putting out albums today.'

'Is it true you thought about becoming a dark lord before getting some sense and setting out to become the UK's number one pop star?'

475. The Replacement Harrys. For whatever cliche reason, Harry Potter is missing from Privet Drive. Either from first year or a later year. Dumbledore's in a bind, he has to find the boy before the public at large notices he's missing so, to buy time, he hires a series of Harry impersonators. Pity he didn't have the budget for Polyjuice, what with sending search parties all over the world.

"Hey, you notice anything different about Harry?" Ron whispered to Hermione.

"Aside from the fact that he's a chain smoking pot bellied dwarf with a beard down to his knees?" Hermione asked sarcastically. "Or that he forgets to respond to 'Harry' half the time?"

"Yeah," Ron agreed. "And you've got to admit, he's still better than last year's Harry."

"Squiky is toos Harry Potters sir!" The third, heretofore unmentioned student in the compartment said in a faux house elf voice.

476. Harry takes advantage of the fact that Dumbledore doesn't spend much attention on students not named Harry Potter.

"Got that right, Barry," Ron agreed, fist bumping the boy that looked a lot like Harry Potter aside from the ever-present bandage on his head and contacts that changed the shade of his eyes. (Or better yet; fake nose, fake glasses, fake mustache worn with his normal glasses + bandage)

"Honestly," Hermione sniffed.

477. Sasuke the Super Pervert - taking his brother's command to live in an unsightly manner in a different direction.

478. Shirou summons Archer. Well, I suppose I should say he summons Archer and isn't immediately killed by Archer.

479. Half the people in Naruto's building are infiltrators from other village keeping an eye on the fourth's child.

480. Anakin (and indeed most force sensitive children) is the illegitimate son of a jedi. Turns out a lot of jedi have issues with that whole celibacy thing.

481. Harry trades access to the Chamber of Secrets, the dirtiest place in Hogwarts, to house elves for . . . something.

482. The goblins have a habit of claiming that anything old and/or valuable is goblin made and thus, their property.

Could have been the cause of one or more of the 'rebellions.'

483. Students write home about Harry's first potion class. Snape gets lynched the next time he leaves the castle. There's no arguing with an angry mob.

484. Harry finds an old book in the Black library or somewhere. It's written on the same model as 'the-boy-who-lived' series; plucky boy adventurer mentored by the wise Dumbledore fighting the evil Dark Lord Grindelwald. The name of the plucky boy hero is . . . (dramatic pause) . . . Tom Riddle. A bit more digging finds the Albus/Gellert books about two best friends traveling the world fighting evil. Needless to say, these finds don't exactly fill Harry with confidence.

485. Naruto sneaks into the tower, alters some paperwork, and suddenly has his own team comprised of clones. Getting paid triple his normal genin remittence plus a jonin instructor's normal remuneration along with the ability to assign his 'team' a long term secret mission to find the land of ramen (which does exist, it has to) makes his life much happier than would have otherwise been the case.

486. Harry orders Slytherin's statue in the Chamber of Secrets™ to close its mouth as the snake slithers out. The snake is decapitated.

(I remember when these were new and having DOOM LAN parties with em. Kids today don't appreciate what they've got).

487. Blackmail - lots of it. Good for an SI, time travel fic, or super information gather (which could be a good fit for Naruto) fic.

'Dear Mr. Crouch,' he wrote. 'I understand that you helped your son escape from prison and have been casting an unforgivable on him for several years. Bad form, old chap, bad form. Of course, there's no need for anyone else to find out since I'm of the opinion that it's also bad form to make public other people's private secrets …'

'. . . now as I quite understand how difficult it can be to raise such a large amount of gold and due to my sympathetic and kind nature, I'm willing to forgo gold for the moment if you're willing to perform a few small tasks for me …'

'Dear Rita, imagine how surprised I was to learn that you were unregistered, three years in Azkaban for that one without considering the enemies you've made in the halls of power …'

'Dear Gilderoy …'

'Please send all gold to L. Malfoy …'

'… to D. Malfoy …'

'… to A.P.W.B. Dumbledore…'

'… to S. Snape …'

'… to C. Fudge …'

'Vault number 415.'

He relaxed on the train ride back. It had been an eventful year but things had quieted down after the Minister was assassinated, Snape was found in a vegetative state after having his brains obliviated out, the Malfoys were …

488. "Professor McGonagall, if I had wanted your opinion, I'd have asked the Headmaster what it was."

489. After the fight against the Death Star, Han pays Jabba the money he owes him and doesn't have to worry about that monkey on his back.

490. Uzu wasn't destroyed.

491. Snape isn't the only criminal on the staff at Hogwarts, the whole staff has interesting pasts. Flitwick fought in illegal duels, Sprout grew interesting plants, etc.

492. An offhanded mention of Leeroy Jenkins, the greatest Gryffindor of them all.

(Yes, I know that 2005 just called)

493. Maybourne and O'Neill flipped a coin to see who'd go to SGC and who'd go to NID.

494. Harry claims that Fudge is under Polyjuice too at the end of the fourth year, citing the fact that his 'good friend' the Minister would never dismiss his concerns like that. Fudge is checked and either is indeed an impostor or under imperio.

495. Harry takes the opportunity to fake his own death by telling Fawks to leave the chamber without him.

I see it easily being combined with #129

496. At the end of book three; Harry tells the Minister that he'd managed to capture the man who'd betrayed his parents but that Snape interfered to let him go. Tells the Minister that bringing down one Death Eater will play almost as well with the public as bringing down another.

Dumbledore is horrified, confronts Harry after the Minister is gone. Harry states that every word he said was the truth and that the next potion teacher will be better if he's lucky and that maybe Snape will show more sense than to provoke him if he manages to slime his way out of trouble.

497. Colin Creevey's father is a milkman. He's also the father of a number of other Hogwarts students.

498. As a child, Harry comes across a magical cameo or locket and is practically raised by whomever the locket or cameo is. Needless to say they'd be insane if I wrote this.

499. Tom Riddle becomes a cult leader rather than a dark lord.

500. One of the powers ascribed to Kitsune is the ability to see or hear anything in the world. Sounds fairly useful for a ninja, doesn't it? How about a Naruto that gets a bit more from being the host of a nine tailed kitsune than a bit of healing and some chakra.

501. Harry becomes convinced that the whole 'Master of Death' thing is all part of a long con run by the Lovegood family. Either because it is or because he's spent way too much time around Luna.

(Insert StarWars reference here)

502. "I took seed from Columbia and Mexico," Neville sang the Hogwarts Herbology club's unofficial anthem as he checked the crop.

503. The third Hokage seals Kyuubi's arms/front legs into baby Naruto. (I admit that tails would make a lot more sense and could lead to a much better fic)

(This was the area code when I was a kid, it has since changed)

504. Voldemort's contingency plans send him back to just before his first year after being defeated by Harry. Deciding to use everything he learned the first go round, the first thing he does is change his name to Tom Pureblood, convincing all that he's a pureblood. He's so pure, it's his name.

505. Harry uses house elves to take care of the basilisk.

"You guys ever heard of the Chamber of Secrets?" Harry asked. "The one place in Hogwarts that hasn't been cleaned in decades, maybe even centuries?"

The boy became uncomfortably aware of what had to be hundreds of house elves watching him intently.

"I can get you in, but there's a bit of a vermin problem."

"Dealing with ratses and mousies is a house elf's duty," one of the elves commented. They also made up a large portion of an elf's diet along with insects and anything careless students dropped on the floor of the great hall during meal times.

"What about basilisks?" Harry asked hopefully.

"Snakeys too," the house elf replied. Thinking that it hadn't had a snake steak sandwich in far too long.

506. The village that doesn't suck hidden in f*ck you that's where.

507. "I've got a mummified horse penis," ______________ volunteered.

I'm fairly sure this one should be on my list of things I don't want to see, hear, or experience with any other sense.

508. A superhero that has evolved beyond the need for clothing . . . well, sort of.

"Nobody will suspect that I'm Superman. After all, Clark Kent wears clothes."

509. The Marauders decide to do some sort of blood adoption ritual with baby Harry. For whatever reason, Sirius switches out Peter's and/or Remus' portion of blood or whatever with another of his own. Just an excuse to write young drunken perverted Harry.

"Course I didn't toss Remus' too. I have it on good authority that the werewolf blood will give him god like stamina, if you know what I mean," he winked. "You know, in the bedroom . . . with witches . . . wink wink . . . I'm talking about sex."

"Yes, Mr. Black, that's quite apparent," Minerva sighed.

"And the veela blood will make him irresistible to them and the . . ."

Could also be an excuse to write super powered Harry.

510. The Lovegood family hails from Night Vale.

511. Every 'Death Eater' that shows up to the cemetery is an undercover cop/intelligence agent/etc.

512. For whatever reason, Harry doesn't want to go to Hogwarts. Dumbledore spends the rest of the summer approaching him in parks and publicly trying to bribe him with candy to go off with him somewhere. The police are not amused.

513. Sirius uses the assumed name 'Severus Snape' while on the run. He's also fairly casual about things like paying bills and following the local laws. This does not go well for Snape.

514. “Has anyone seen Draco?”

Dobby peered down into the pit. “It puts the lotion in its skin or else it gets the hose again.”

515. Lockhart figures that Harry, being the boy who lived, will be able to solve things. All he has to do is coast along and take his portion of the credit. Sure, sharing the spotlight sucks, but being known as the one who mentored the boy who lived and thus is most responsible for his victory makes up for it. So what if he has to nudge a memory here and edit one there, not like he hasn't had plenty of practice.

People take the word of an internationally known hunter of all that's dark quite seriously when he tells them that parts of Voldemort are still kicking around.

516. People escape from Azkaban all the time. It's normally covered up or not noticed due to the incompetence of the guards.

517. Harry finds a dodgy shop that sells custom polyjuice p*rn – brown paper wrapped boxes are delivered to each house in Privet Drive and the surrounding area, along with one to every employee of a certain drill company – the Dursley family's life is never the same again.

You sure you want all this?” the shopkeeper asked, looking ill as he considered the customer's request.

Every deviant and disgusting thing you can put in,” Harry agreed. “Put on muggle vhs tapes and one each to every address on that list.”

518. Super villains have a lot of cool stuff. How about a hero that uses their gadgets rather than making his own? Think batman with a freeze gun, a machine gun umbrella, and what not.

519. Harry's famous scar is on his ass. This does not stop people from asking to see it.

520. The house elves mix up people's trunks. Had the vision of a two part scene. First part was opening the trunk and pulling out some bizarre item followed by an annoyed looking Draco storming into the scene, grabbing his trunk, and storming out only to return a minute later to snatch the presumably embarrassing item out of someone's hand (Hermione's?) and storm back out.

521. RWBY Fic in which the OC team(s) is(are) based on the characters from Gilligan's island or some other sitcom(s).

522. Sirius Black's academy of Magic, Blackjack, and Hookers. (You know what? Forget the magic)

523. The idea of the stone at Hogwarts being a fake isn't new. The idea that the traps were set up as a training course isn't new. How bout it being a sneaky way for the Staff to help the older students study for their NEWTS/OWLS. McGonagall didn't take the idea of a member of staff going after the stone seriously because she knew that there was no stone. No one was more surprised than Dumbledore to find out that Voldemort went after the prize at the end of the school obstacle course. Let's say that the fake stone was supplied by Flammel and that it does something cool and or useful. Turns water into whiskey or something. No one let Snape in on the gag cause no one figured he had a sense of humor.

524. Seen more than one fic in which Harry had intimate knowledge of video games, usually hand waved by saying that he snuck into Dudley's room to play or something. How bout saying that Dudley made him grind characters and farm gold for him? Seems to be a better fit for the source material.

525. Harry lets slip that he's actually the body double of 'the-boy-who-lived' and fades into obscurity as everyone starts looking for the real one.

526. Xander combines parts of two incomplete costumes from two different comic companies to become Doctor Doomsday. Why not? It's one of the few costumes I haven't seen yet.

527. Harry Potter is elected Minister of Magic pre-Hogwarts. He's popular with the rabble and likely easier to control than Fudge.

528. Color coding.

What's wrong?”

I think I have a fever,” she replied, putting her hand against her forehead.

So take your temperature and find out.”

With a sigh, the girl walked over to the cabinet and, after a bit of rummaging, she handed him a thermometer with a red ring of paint around the base. “Here. Put that in your mouth.”

Why do you want me to check my temperature if you're the one with the fever?” he asked, complying with her request. “Ugh.”

What is it?”

This tastes terrible,” he complained.

Okay. It was blue oral, red rectal,” she mumbled to herself, popping a thermometer with a blue paint ring around the base in her mouth. “I remembered right after all.”

529. dild* Baggins, the black sheep of the family.

530. Cut rate invisibility cloaks that only make your clothes and/or skin invisible. Alternately, they make everything invisible but your clothes and/or skin.

531. Anakin clones a dozen or so copies of his late wife and shuns both dark and light in favor of the sticky side of the force.

532. Alternately, he does it while she's still alive and has some explaining to do.

You used council resources to create a dozen copies of . . .”

533. Even more alternately, he does it when he's still a kid so he has a dozen of her that are all his age.

534. Remember once reading a rather poorly written fic about harem politics and girls jockeying for position. Had a vague notion of Hedwig taking part as a parody of the aforementioned idea. (Yeah, this one sucks, my creative juices haven't been flowing lately)

535. War Juice- a mixture of whiskey and horseshoe crab blood. (I may be stealing this idea from someone).

(This was the city code in the area I grew up in)

536. The reason the Uchiha were used as police was because most ninja were reluctant to fight them and risk having their secret techniques stolen.

537. An Epic Spell Wars/Harry Potter cross. This could be a surprisingly good or a shockingly bad idea.

538. Anakin is found by/transfers to the Green Jedi – the ones who have no problem with marriage.

539. A used beer salesman.

540. Nobody unties Naruto from the post, nobody sees him for a few days, they eventually find a pile of bones tied to the post. I would assume that it's a prank on Naruto's part.

541. Collecting the three deathly hallows allows their holder to transform into a magical girl and by turn into a magical girl, I mean Harry gets to be in an involuntary drag show. The power he knows not is a poorly concealed bulge. Harry is less than pleased by this aspect of Dumbledore's plan.

Magical Reaper-chan is here,” Harry said in a cutesy voice, compelled by the magic of the transformation. “I always forget how tight this damned thing is,” Harry grumbled, left hand disappearing under his skirt to rearrange things. One thing was sure, Dumbledore was in for a very unpleasant afterlife the second he figured out how to abuse his powers to ensure it.

542. After three years of Hogwarts, Harry and company are paranoids on a hair trigger. The Death Eater attack at the world cup gets messy. Let's just say . . . There Will Be Blood! Buckets of it.

543. Hagrid is an amazing singer, it's how he gets wildly different animals to breed. He pours a little wine (make that a lot of wine), he lights a candle, he puts on a little mood music, and he does a bit of singing to set the mood.

Let's get it on,” the large man purred, watching in satisfaction as the tipsy unicorn stallion mounted equally tipsy the giant spider. “My darling I . . . can't get enough of you baby.”

544. Figuring that Moody is going to make an attempt on his life using the Goblet, Harry confounds the man to think that an ordinary cup is the Goblet of Fire.

545. Hedwig helps Harry survive the Triwizard. First task, she perches on something on the edge of the field and glares at the dragon-dragon meekly surrenders the egg to Harry. Second task, she glares at the lake-merpeople meekly surrender the hostages. Third task . . . well, it takes her a while to get to the cemetery and all I'll say about what happens when she gets there is; there will be blood. I'd write this as a humor fic in which people attribute everything to Harry, though they think he's a bit nuts for crediting his owl. Come to think of it, it might be a good second part to 'Agent O.' Hmmmm.

546. “Do you think you could XXXX” - “I don't know, do you think you could get used to having to sit when you pee?”

547. People see Harry in hand me downs and start emulating him. The loose baggy rag look is in this season.

548. Remus comes to Hogwarts in the company of a large black dog, goads Snape into accusing him of harboring Sirius Black. Aurors investigate and discover that Remus is in the company of a large black dog that is not magical in any way. Triwizard might be a good place for this scene.

549. Using the Harry's in a fourth school in the Triwizard and can do whatever he wants trope. Harry's school is named something along the lines of 'The Maurader Academy of f*ck You Snape you Wanker!'

550. Someone at the Prophet finds out that Harry Potter is a majority share holder – let's just say there's a marked change in the stories about him.

Harry Potter sh*ts gold coins, Harry Potter – Awesome or Super Awesome, Harry Potter – Too Much Man for One Witch? This Paper Thinks So?” Hermione raised an eyebrow.

I swear I have no idea what the hell is happening,” Harry repeated. “I've ruled out Dobby getting a job as a staff writer. I . . . I have absolutely no clue what the hell those idiots are up to now.” He almost liked it better when they were calling him an insane attention seeking fool.

551. Ron gives Harry some dating advice after he takes Luna to the Slug Club.

Harry,” Ron began. “When I started noticing girls, the first thing Da told me is that I shouldn't stick my dick in crazy.”

No offense, Ron, but yer mum isn't exactly all there.”

So I guess Da would know then, wouldn't he?”

552. In honor of the fact that the director of Evangellion is doing Godzilla – The King of All Monsters comes to Tokyo III, he leaves broken angeles and shattered Evas in his wake.

553. Related to a couple earlier ideas, Harry has Dobby assume his identity for some contrived reason. A pair of glasses, a mop dipped in black ink, and Dobby has a perfect disguise. Unlike the earlier ideas, this is so obvious that everyone knows – most of the students figure that it's a good joke, or that they owe Harry one, and play along, to the confusion of everyone else.

554. Harry's trial was a scheme by Fudge to get the boy in a public place and filled to the gills with truth serum to refute his accusations about Voldemort being back. The first half succeeds, the second does not.

555. Draco is some sort of man veela that is trying to bond with Harry storyline – Harry shrugs his shoulders and has the Ministry Executioner called. A creature trying to forcibly take a wizard is the very definition of dangerous.

(The Triple Nickle)

556. Harry is given the key to his mother's vault, he visits and immediately wishes he didn't. It's filled with-fill in the blank. Sex toys, her plan to set herself up as a Dark Lady after Voldemort is dealt with, Amway, etc.

(not the same as .223, no matter who tells you it is)

557. Dumbledore disappears and everyone assumes, rightly or wrongly, that Harry bound his powers and stuck him in a crooked retirement home for revenge. Oddly enough, most people are okay with this.

558. Hinata has a bondage dungeon filled with Naruto clones she's captured. The Hyuuga family carefully looks the other way and Naruto has the oddest dreams.

559. Harry decides summoning his broom is a terrible idea when instead you can summon the bastards who got you into this mess into the arena to either fight the dragon themselves or to feed the dragon in hopes it gets sleepy and decides to take a nap. He's not picky.

560. Harry finds a travel agency selling one way portkeys to Atlantis, city of magic and mystery. Thinking that there is no place better to learn the ancient magic of the past, he buys one and is disappointed to find himself in Georgia. Curse the poor prescription on his glasses.

561. Xander dresses as PROFESSOR CHAOS!!!!!

562. The goblins send out their swords so that they gain power. Goblin steel absorbs the properties and all that so the goblins send them into the world for them to be used to combat dangerous creatures/people and to take their powers. They claim them back when they object in question has gotten some unique power and look the other way when they're still bog standard.

563. Tom Riddle gets the defense position. It was part of his cunning plan to exterminate purebloods. Step one, set up a pureblood terrorist organization. Step two, have them focus on other purebloods at the beginning. Step three, have his well trained former students slaughter the terrorists. Step four, piss on their graves.

564. Harry uses the Sword of Gryffindor against dementors. Now it eats souls.

565. Tom Riddle decides that a Philosopher's stone is a better path to immortality. Becomes an alchemist.

566. Harry gets several dozen house elves and tells them to do everything in their power to protect Voldemort-who is dead within a day. He then tells them that they an redeem themselves by protecting the individuals on this list. One after another.

567. The standard Harry gets obliviated and tossed into the normal world storyline with one catch. Harry is immune, he can shrug off an imperious cast by the most powerful magic user of the previous generation. A memory charm by some Ministry flunky? Please. Not being an idiot, he pretends it works and starts demanding things from the stunned courtroom.

You have spent the last five years in prison for perjury and you're being released on parole,” Umbridge cackled. “You know that you'll go back to prison for another five years if you so much as breath another lie.”

Harry blinked at the toad like woman. “I just won a billion pounds in the lottery.”

Listen you stupid boy. You are a criminal who has spent the last five years in prison for perjury and are about to be released into the streets with nothing but the clothing on your back.”

I just won a billion pounds in the lottery and have a chance to double it if I can beat a toad monster in single combat.”

No, you stupid boy,” Umbridge growled. “You are being released from prison.”

I am Elmer J. Fudd, I own a mansion and a yacht and I have just won two billion pounds in the lottery and have a chance to double it if I can beat a toad monster in single combat.”

No, you stupid boy. You have just been released from prison.”

I am Elmer J. Fudd, I own a mansion on a private island in the Caribbean staffed by house elves and veela which we muggles know about but keep secret from the wizarding world for reasons I will not disclose-”

I knew it!” screamed one of the judges.

My yacht is an Iowa class battleship and comes with escorts and a carrier battlegroup. I have just won an annual fifty billion pounds and have a chance to add three decimal points if I can beat a toad monster to death in single combat followed by a stupid bowler poltroon for another six decimal points.”

Okay, the last bit is a bit crackish. The Minister shrugs his shoulders and pays out. That or Harry demands his billion pounds a year support which everyone gets after being released from prison in the mug-I mean nor-I mean Britain.”

It is normal for released prisoners, especially juveniles to receive some support from the government post incarceration,” Amelia said cautiously. Having some idea of what the boy was doing and not entirely willing to go along with the Minister's plans.

568. The goblins at Gringotts are decedents of a Roman auxiliary that was stationed in the Provence of Britannia. Why not? Who's to say the Romans didn't have magical forces under their banner.

569. Sirius tries to give Harry the talk and is completely blown over by the fact that his godson's knowledge vastly exceeds his own.

570. Obliviators usually put a bit of money in the pockets of people who's memories they wipe. Ever found a twenty in your pocket you don't remember having before, this is why. Sometimes they do the opposite, depends on if you were are dick to them or if they're just thieving bastards.

571. Wrong BWL. Harry is the wrong boy who lived but is still dumped with the Dursleys. His brother, far from being an arrogant ass, is horrified when he finds out that his twin is still alive and seeks him out on the express. (On first thought, this may be another of the ones I don't want to see-fairly sick of the whole wrong boy storyline).

Harry found himself staring at a very familiar face. It was plumper and healthier, its owner not having been subject to near the amount of hardship.

My name is Robert Potter,” the other boy croaked. “I didn't know I had a twin until two years ago, my . . . our . . . the people who raised me said that you'd been killed when you-know-who attacked. I found out they were lying about that two days ago.” The boy swallowed. “I found out they were monsters when I . . . I'm so sorry brother,” the other boy broke down. “We have a younger sister. I think we should try to find a way to rescue her after we escape.”

572. The basilisk doesn't come out of the statues mouth. It comes out somewhere lower. Slytherin's legendary trouser snake has a ring to it, doesn't it?

573. Harry uses the sword of Gryffindor to get out of all his problems. From chopping up potions ingredients to breaking the locks on his door to butchering a unicorn corpse he just happened to find in the forest.

574. The sword of Gryffindor is pattern welded.

575. Come to think about it, more pattern welded swords and less Katanas in general.

576. Someone introduces themselves as being an Agent of Murphy. Either because it's true or because it's a good line.

577. The Dursleys were magiced to think that their son was their nephew and vice versa. They are horrified when the letter appears and the spell is canceled.

578. Harry can't retaliate against Dudley. He can retaliate against all of Dudley's gang, or, failing that boys not affiliated with Dudley in any way. It's why the neighborhood has such a low opinion of him. Boy's always getting into fights and beating the tar out of half the other boys in the area. Could go well with him dating half the girls-you're a teenaged girl and there's a boy in the neighborhood your parents tell you to stay away from.

579. One of the Death Eaters learns to throw their voice. Between that and the masks, they never get punished for giving bad news.

Potter stopped the last attack and said your wand is limper than a wet noodle.”

What? CRUCIO!” Funny, the dark lord thought, those screams sound like Lucius but the voice didn't. Ah well, no matter. “CRUCIO!”

580. Either Dumbledore is more paranoid and curse happy than Moody or Moody is the new Headmaster of Hogwarts.

581. You can't use magical devices in Hogwarts. Mostly because less enlightened individuals will make sure it stops working fairly quickly, the solution is to write the word 'magical' in glow in the dark paint or glitter paint or something similar in a prominent place. It can't be muggle, it says magical on it. Only problem you have then is the misuse of muggle artifacts law, adding the words 'not muggle' or 'definitely not muggle' solves that problem nicely. It's written with glowing letters, muggles can't do that.

582. Come to think on it, someone starts using glitter ink and a ball point pen. Purebloods are convinced that it's an amazing new invention and will pay stupid amounts to get one. Shame the magic runs out and the ink disappears, but that just means they have to spend stupid amounts for a refill. That or enchant it, I suppose. Doesn't seem like good business not to have them have to come back to you to buy refills though.

583. Dumbledore treats Fawks the same way Thor treats his goats. In the old man's defense, phoenix is finger lickin good.

584. Using something aside from 'so mote it be' in an oath. 'So swear I,' 'so I swear,' 'so I do affirm,' 'if you don't like it then you can eat my ass, bitches.' Anything but 'so mote it be.' I am so frigging sick of reading the words 'so mote it be' so frigging sick of it.

585. Someone is a tapir anamagus – cites that as a reason they have a massive doodle.

586. Superman or some similar hero needs glasses to see, but still takes them off as part of his disguise. The hero version crashes into a lot of buildings.

587. Hagrid starts dating Bellatrix. He's attracted to her gentle soul.

588. Someone asks Dumbledore about what sort of pranks would be reasonable

What about feeding someone to a werewolf?”

Of course not,” Dumbledore sniffed. “The Ministry would insist on putting the poor creature down.”

What if we used a werewolf golem? It looks and acts like a werewolf, but it's not actually one.”

Ah.” Dumbledore laughed at the thought. “Since there isn't a chance that an actual werewolf would be harmed, that would indeed be just fine.”

And if they were accidentally killed by the golem?”

Dumbledore shrugged. “Accidents happen.”

Out of scene, Snape sh*ts himself in fear as a sudden feeling of doom settles over him.

589. Many anamagi lead solitary existences.

Why would I go to the trouble of finding a date?” Sirius asked with a grin. “When all I need to do is transform and I can get all the action I want.”

590. Team HARM in RWBY. Could be harm, could be harem, could be both. Just popped into my mind.

591. Ron is convinced that Hermione is male and the boys' deep cover agent in the girls' dorm and won't be convinced otherwise.

592. An infant refugee from another world crashes near a giant chess piece. Luna Lovegood is a Kryptonian.

593. Xander decides to make sure that Angle's never going to lose his soul again. All he needs is a drug that'll keep a vamp out for a while and a tiny rubber band. Anyone who grew up in farm country can guess the rest.

Why do you have that grin on your face?”

Cause the future's a happy place,” Xander replied. “Well, for some of us anyway.”

594. Ghosts, Zombies, etc. Start calling on Buffy, they heard she was into necrophilia and thought they'd give it a shot. Might be funnier if this happens pre-losing a soul. I'd say that Buffy is less than amused at getting the reputation of being Suzy Roundheels the necrophiliac.

595. Alternately, it's post loss of soul and because Angelus wrote her name and number on the equivalent of a truck stop bathroom wall.

596. Diplomatic Immunity – the Die Hard version, not the real life version which isn't nearly as good.

597. Lily and James honeymoon in Italy, while there they pick up a guardian statue which appealed to James' sense of humor. Things go poorly for Voldemort when he tries to end the family.

Percidere, puer, moneo; futuere, puella;

barbatum furem tertia poena manet.

Femina si furtum faciet mihi virve puerve,

haec cunnum, caput hic praebeat, ille nates.

Per medios ibit pueros mediasque puellas

mentula, barbatis non nisi summa petet.

598. Harry thinks his mail is getting intercepted and decides to go to a professional.

You see the problem, sir?”

I do indeed,” the shopkeeper replied. “And I've got just the thing.” He reached into the counter and emerged with a small wooden box. “Just give her this, she'll know what to do.”

Harry opened the box. Inside he found an owl sized pair of brass knuckles sitting next to an equally tiny switch blade.

Ain't no one gonna try to mess with your owl again after she gives 'em a bit of free dental care and a new smile.”

(Reading a fic with a similar scene, the shopkeeper pulls out a set of brass-my mind auto filled knuckles. I think bells was the correct answer, not as good though).

599. To go with the above, Hedwig starts wearing a necklace made of human ears after receiving her present.

600. Hogwarts teaches Herpetology rather than Herbology.

(My spellcheck deserves the credit for this idea)

601. A product named 'The Troll Dominator' – a strap-on maybe?

602. Atlantis is a tourist trap-think something like Colonial Williamsburg if you want it to be on the higher end.

603. Voldemort's brain is a bit rattled from the resurrection and he thinks that Sirius Black is his loyal right hand man. Daily Prophet said he was after all.

604. Life debt cliché – Harry calls it in and tells Snape to impregnate a porcupine and that if first you don't succeed, try try again.

605. Harry uses the dragon in the first task to fake his own death. Walks towards the giant murder lizard, lets it breath fire on him, portkey out before his protections fail.

606. Someone carries a pair of pliers around. This isn't explained for several chapters.

Oot rr ou oing?”

Well . . . isn't this awkward,” Naruto stated, looking down at the non-corpse he was in the middle of recovering gold teeth from. “Guess I should have made an insurance cut before starting this, huh?”

Eee all ave uu ern is ah ard aay,” the non-corpse said consolingly.

607. Harry gets the idea of spending the summer in the Forbidden Forest, spends most of first year helping Hagrid out so he can learn and prepare enough to survive the experience. Sneak into Hogsmead for the occasional supply run and he's golden so long as magic covers the rest. Speaking of which, he skips the train so he doesn't even know he isn't supposed to use it.

608. Different blood of the enemy.

Um, Master, why don't we just use Moody's blood? We've already captured him and he's definitely your enemy.”

Master, why don't we have Barty take the healer's place and get some of Dumbledore's?”

Master, why don't we just grab some random guy of the street and torture them. If they weren't your enemy before, I'm sure they will be after we kidnap and torture them.”

You're going to love this one, Master. You're basically a snake cultist, right? So I said to myself, what hates snakes.” The man stuck his chest out proudly. “Mongooses . . . mongeese . . . mongi?”

607. Ollivander insults all the other wand makers at the weighting of the wand ceremony. Alternately, he insults everyone.

I suppose one can't expect much from him,” the wandmaker sneered. “Rest assured, you have one of the better back scratchers I've seen from that idiot's shop. Not quite as good at earwax removal as Fifi la tit*' wand.” He indicated Fleur with a wave. “But I'm sure it will do the job.”

608. Luna thinks that Harry Potter and 'The-Boy-Who-Lived' are two separate people.

I don't see why you're upset with me, Ginny,” the blonde said cheerfully. “I'm shagging Harry, not the-boy-who-lived.”

609. The people at Privet Drive think Dudley is Harry and vice versa.

610. Draco gets his hands on the diary.

Harry, Draco's been taken by the heir and his bones will rest in the chamber forever,” Ron said breathlessly.


So? So?” The redhead shook his head. “So let's break out that bottle one of your fans sent for special occasions.”

611. Every one of Tom's soul fragments gets a new body, they spend most of their time fighting amongst themselves. When one does decide to make an inept attempt on Harry's life, it's usually foiled by one of the other ones.

612. The audience and the players hexing the hell out of each other is considered part of Quidditch in Bulgaria. Part riot, part duel. The Death Eater attack at the world cup ends poorly for the mask and robe set.

613. Alternately, the mask and robe set run into a group of Quidditch Hooligans. Things go just as poorly for them.

614. The Patils are less than pleased at how their dates to the ball went. The Patils, along with Lavender, decide to use the power of gossip and rumor to get revenge. I foresee them being frustrated by the fact that nothing they come up with about Harry being half as juicy as what's already going around. I also foresee Ron being the main target, mostly due to the fact that he's got much less gossip floating around him than the-boy-who-lived.

615. Water causes Voldemort's new body to melt. Soapy water with a bit of lemon if you want to make the reference.

616. Rather than being some government official, Fleur's father is the most powerful crime lord on the continent.

617. Someone (the twins? Hermione?) gets word of Draco's 'Potter Stinks' pins and decides to do something about it. The next morning, Draco struts up to a severely weirded out Harry loudly drawing attention to a pin that proclaims he has carnal thoughts about his mother. Other pin wearers find themselves wearing pins proclaiming similarly creepy things.

We all have thoughts like that about your mum, but most of us aren't closely related to her and I'm sure we'd have the decency not to admit it if we were.”

618. The reason Naruto wears orange is because new orange outfits spontaneously appear in his closet. The reason orange outfits spontaneously appear in his closet is because orange is almost transparent to Hyuuga, they don't even have to activate their bloodline to see through it. I see the fun in this being in his fight with Neji, Naruto posing and jumping around, Neji trying not to see anything that can't be unseen.

619. AURORS-it's kinda like COPS, but with more corruption and incompetence.

We're getting reports that a group of terrorists has broken into the Ministry and is engaged in active combat with a group of Hogwarts students,” the Auror said to the wireless reporters that were following him on his shift.

So we're going to rush back to the Ministry and save the kids?” the reporter asked eagerly, dreams of the awards he'd get for covering the event danced through his head.

You kidding?” the first Auror's partner snorted. “Body could get hurt doing something like that.”

Yeah,” the first Auror agreed. “What we're going to do is set up a command post in our favorite bar and-”

Uh, Steve,” the other Auror interrupted.


Isn't our favorite bar a bit close to the Ministry?”

You're right, fight might spill into it,” Steve agreed. “So permit me to amend the plan. We are going to hide-er, set up a command post in our second favorite bar until we get notified that it's safe. Then we're going to go back to the Ministry-”

Assuming it hasn't been destroyed or taken over by terrorists,” the second Auror added helpfully.

Right,” the first agreed. “As I was saying, then we'll go back to the Ministry and amended our time cards to show the over time we're putting in protecting our second favorite bar and also for hazard pay.”

Don't forget night differential,” the second said cheerfully.

620. Every way Harry uses to accomplish the three tasks in the Triwizard involves a murder attempt, successful or otherwise, on the judges. Summons them from their desk to the arena to distract the dragon for example.

(May have done this one. Not sure, the ideas all start to blend together after a while)

621. Harry pulls a King Arthur – mortally injured, he's moved to a secret location to recover and legends speak of his return at the country's hour of need. Then someone finds him. (Yes, this has been done. Yes, I've mentioned a very similar idea earlier in this list. No, I don't care. The below scene sprang into my head)

It can't be,” she gasped.

It is,” her companion replied, shock coloring every syllable.

But . . . but how?”

They say that Granger was the most brilliant mind of the age and that she was loyal to Potter above all others.”

But . . . but this?”

It truly was an age of giants.”

622. Neville gets a potions tutor. Said tutor is able to teach Neville quite a bit. Neville's 'accidents' continue, but Snape starts baring the brunt of the damage.

623. Due to his prior experience, Harry dominates the Triwizard. He's a hardened veteran of more than one life and death battle, he's faced and beaten nightmares that would drive grown men insane. They're school children.

624. Harry realizes that no one seems to give a damn about the way he's treated, that everyone seems to care about Dudders, and decides to use that. Goes to the police and reports to them that his aunt and uncle are abusing their son. Don't worry about me, Dudders has it much worse. Uncle Vernon does things to him and Aunt Tuney likes to watch.

625. Harry decides to be more like his father.

You simply have to understand that Severus acts as he does because he is hurting,” Dumbledore said with a smile. “I hope you understand.”

I understand that he attacks me because he can't attack my father,” Harry snorted. “I suspect he lacked the courage to do so directly after graduation anyway based on some of the things I've heard. I do know that he lacks the courage to bother anyone he thinks can fight back.”


So here's what I'm going to do,” Harry continued. “I'm going to treat him the same way my father would have. I'll return every slight, every insult, every harm tenfold. I'll show him that he doesn't have the power to stand against me, I'll drive him before me, I'll destroy him if I have to, but what I won't do, Headmaster, is allow allow him the latitude you do.”

My boy, I must council you against this course of action.”

Why?” He snorted when there was no answer forthcoming. “I'll give you two days to bring him to heel. Two days to impress on him the fact that he no longer has a free pass to do as he wishes. After that, the gloves come off. Do we understand each other?”

626. Alternately, he decides to act more like Sirius would in the face of Snape.

Hey, Hermione, do you know how to create a portkey?”


I just happened to find out where Greyback is spending this full moon and I thought the neighborly thing to do would be to send him some company.”

627. Wizards and Witches have the same fashion sense as the average murder hobo. Gaudy, mis matched, and with way too much jewelry.

628. Dumbledore hires a murder hobo to be the defense professor. I foresee field trips to the Forbidden Forest to kill and loot.

629. The grease in Snape's hair is highly flammable.


Shouldn't we do something?” Hermione whispered as their least liked professor ran back and fourth, screaming as he tried to extinguish the blaze that was consuming his head.

Shhh. Just let me enjoy this,” Harry replied, afraid to blink in case he missed something good.

630. Peter Pettigrew gets arrested-claims he wasn't hiding because he was guilty of anything, oh no. He just likes sleeping in young boy's beds. To no one's surprise, this does not help his case. To Harry's surprise, Fudge seizes on this as proof that Sirius is still guilty.

631. Due to the presence of a young Harry Potter, Privet Drive becomes the most exclusive magical residential area in the United Kingdom. The Dursleys are not pleased, nor is Dumbledore once he realizes how fast the secret got out. Trusting Hagrid to do the right thing is fine, trusting him to keep a secret is idiocy. On the plus side, for Harry, being surrounded by dozens of people who think he sh*ts gold means a much better life than would otherwise have been the case.

632. Voldemort wants a witness to his glorious rebirth. Potter is obviously going to die, so he decides to keep Cedric alive.

633. Humanity makes first contact with the Asari.

Saw one where it was the Quarians – what ruined it for me on that one was that the author changed way too much of the universe (pre-fic) rather than make a change and grow from that. Not criticism, just a personal preference. I do not usually like having to figure out what the history is while I read, it can work of course, just usually doesn't in my experience.

634. Second task of the Triwizard, Harry doesn't move and motions for his fellow competitors to stay still. A few minutes later, the polyjuice wears off to reveal that the 'judges' are actually the hostages. I'm sure you can figure out where the real judges are.

635. Harry's letter is addressed to Castle Anthrax-a place that Dumbledore states is full of peril.

636. Winky is a combat maid.

Have a vague plan to use this if in one of my current fics.

637. Barty Crouch chooses to rebel by going muggle – muggle clothes, hanging out in muggle bars, getting muggle tattoos, etc. Shocking and horrifying his proper parents and torpedoing his dad's political career in a way that doesn't see him spending several years in prison.

638. Dumbledore canceled the dueling classes cause trying to follow the code was getting people killed in real fights.

639. Annoyed at being called a 'leetle boy,' Harry unzips and shows that he's anything but.

640. The Land of Sky Blue Water is referenced. It's famous for its bear summons. Yes, the summons is indeed fond of beer.

641. Percy accompanies Harry to rescue Ginny. He's the oldest member of the family and feels duty bound to go. There's also the fact that the creature attacked his girlfriend.

642. Fleur's mother arrives. To the girl's horror, a number of people ask the woman to autograph old magazines. You know, the sort with centerfolds.

643. Obi Wan takes Padme's body double to the confrontation with his fallen apprentice.

644. Dobby was born as the seventh month died to parents who . . . Well, I don't think I have to finish this sentence.

645. Dumbledore becomes convinced that Voldemort has a daughter. He of course assigns Harry to seduce her to the light side.

646. Sirius gives Harry the talk. This one would require extensive use of urban dictionary.

This next one is my personal favorite, it's called the Tony Danza.”

I have a vague feeling that I've already listed this idea and or used it.

647. Everyone figures that Dumbledore gave Snape the Defense job as an apology to Harry. Look at what Harry did to his previous defense professors. Killed the first, wiped the mind of the next, third got off fairly easily, the fourth got killed, the fifth? Well, you don't want to know what happened to her. All I will say is that it involved centaurs.

Harry stepped into the compartment to join his friends. “Yes! Draco just gave me the best news imaginable!”

You're calling him Draco now?” Ron asked flatly.

He told me that Snape is the new Defense Professor!” Harry was jumping for joy. “Draco says his dad helped arrange it.”

Guess we should be nicer to Draco after his dad did that for us,” Ron agreed. The boy turned to the third member of the trio. “Course, he couldn't have done it without Dumbledore's approval.”

After last year?” Hermione raised a skeptical eyebrow.

As hard as it is to find a potions master willing to teach at Hogwarts?” Ron challenged. “Admit it.”

Alright,” Hermione sighed. “It's starting to look like you were right about Dumbledore. He's an old man that's turning senile but still trying to do his best, not a master manipulator.” Hermione pulled out her notebook. “I'll revise the plan to prevent him from getting killed by a withering curse.”

Ron turned back to Harry. “So, how are you going to do it?”

I was thinking of accidentally hitting him with a curse Sirius taught me,” Harry said, smiling wide. “It looks just like a stunner, even registers as one if you check what spells a wand uses, but it causes yer intestines to shoot out yer bum and into your mouth colon first. Snape'll choke to death on his own asshole.”

Ron turned back to Hermione. “Think that'll work?”

Likely, but I think it would be better to get him to cast the spell or one similar on himself. I'll get to planning.”

Think we should bring Neville in on this?” Harry asked. “I'd feel bad about leaving him out of this one.”

648. Time Travel Shenanigans.

Is it true?” McGonagall asked. “People are saying that Severus Snape stopped he-who-must-not-be-named.”

What?” Dumbledore nearly shat himself. He needed to find his spy before the man was tortured to death. “Hagrid's on the way with Harry Potter, be sure he's placed with his family.”


Is it true, did you-know slip on a loose toy and break his neck?”

or even

Is it true? Did Hagrid lose Harry Potter in a poker game with a group of lay abouts?”

649. Hagrid loses Harry Potter in a poker game with a group of lay abouts.

650. Barty Crouch Jr. doesn't really know much about defense other than what he learned in Azkaban.

Good place to keep a spare wand or two is in your prison purse,” the defense professor lectured.

651. James had a normal invisibility cloak, it was destroyed/lost/whatever during the attack. Dumbledore acquired and then gave Harry the cloak of death as part of his long term plan to make the boy the master of death.

652. Snape the master spy. He spares no expense (so long as it's someone else's expense) to find information. He looks for that information in brothels. In other words – Snape's addicted to hookers.

653. Harry finds Sirius' (or Remus' or whomever's) old van. It comes complete with shag carpeting, a waterbed, satin leopard pattern sheets, a disco ball, and Berry White. Much better than a tent when you're on the run.

654. Harry goes back in time to stop Voldemort. Not by killing him, but by- Possibilities are endless, hiring cheap prostitutes, giving him heroin, getting him drunk and enlisting him in the Foreign Legion, or all of the above.

Dumbledore shook his head sadly. He'd had his concerns about young Tom, but all of them paled in comparison to what had happened. He didn't know who this mysterious Harry was, he just knew he had to keep the man from influencing any promising students in the future.

655. Sand or Sound's invasion force is led by their equivalent of a second lieutenant. They get lost and end up attacking the wrong village or they massively screw up in some other way. I see Orochimaru incensed that Sand betrayed him by not betraying Leaf or Sarutobi giving an emotional speech about how he always knew Orochimaru still loved the village. Attacking and destroying the village that had attacked and attempted to destroy leaf only proves it.

656. Someone makes a fairly good living by not denying charges that they used imperio.

I didn't want to get caught in that compromising position with the Minister, that bastard must have hit us with one of the unforgivables. If only there were evidence so we could make him pay for his crimes, oh woe is me.”

We'll have the rest of the money in your account by the end of the day,” one of the Minister's other aides whispered to the scape goat.

657. Instead of a train station, Harry goes to hell and meets South Park Satan.

658. The Philosopher's Stone allows one to transform into a magical warrior. Flammel's so young because the transformation into Pretty Magical Alchemist resets his age.

659. Shinji loudly promises that he's going to build his own version of NERV with an even bigger geofront, even better robots and . . . and . . . blackjack and . . . and hookers. Most of NERV's staff quints on the spot to join him after they hear that he succeeded.

660. “It's a boy!” James said cheerfully. “And what a boy!”

James, that's the umbilical cord,” Lily sighed.

No. It isn't.”

661. Someone decides to kill Snape in the Shrieking Shack.

Harry picked up the discarded wand and pointed it at his most hated professor. “Reduco.” He made eye contact with his defense professor. “Pettigrew got him.”

662. “You look like a man who knows where to buy dicks by the bag.” Flips a coin to the other guy. “Why don't you go purchase a big one and eat every last one of them.”

663. The Order develops a 'light mark.' It's a phoenix with massive external genitals. Do I need to spell out what it does to Voldemort's dark mark? That's right, I didn't think I did. Rather than Fred or George why don't we have someone unexpected be responsible? Molly? McGonagall? Dumbledore himself?

664. I've touched on house elves breeding purebloods in the past. I'd like to expand on that, house elves have shows in which they have their humans compete. Draco wakes up one morning, having had the strangest dream and a blue ribbon pinned to the collar of his pajamas.

665. Someone hides a massive amount of nitroglycerin or some other explosive in a death eater's pocket set to go off when the carrier is hit with a crucio. Bang! No more death eaters.

666. Luna has trouble telling the difference between Santa and Satan.

667. Harry writes Voldemort stating that he's heard the prophecy and that neither can die by the hand of any but a mysterious being known only as, 'the other.' Wishes him luck in finding and killing 'the other' so that they can both enjoy their immortality.

668. When Ahsoka refuses the council's offer and leaves, Anakin goes with her.

If a student cannot stay with her teacher, then the teacher must go with the student. I still have things to teach you.”

669. Rather than become a dark lord, Tom Riddle becomes a . . .



Chip Shop Owner


670. Harry does the horribly cliché Gringotts blood test. The goblins try to stop him, but he insists. He doesn't really care about the cost, he's just interested in a family tree so he knows where he came from. Turns out, he's the owner of Gringotts and a whole lot of other stuff. Just about every magical human is a descendant and Harry's just the first one that took the test. The goblins knew this, it's why they've burred every reference to the secret blood test and why they made it ruinously expensive. As his employees, they can't kill him. As his disloyal employees, they can try to arrange things so he gets killed by someone else and the status quo is restored.

671. Someone uses bovine urine to fight vampires. Yes, it is regarded as holy by one religion.

672. Lily Potter decided to name a powerful being as Harry's Godmother. One of the fey? A cliché talking dragon?

673. Harry beats every even in the Triwizard with a summoning charm.

Accio golden egg.”

Accio hostage.” The boy shortly found himself buried under three wet girls and one Ron Weasley.

Accio cup.” A brief look of surprise appeared on the boy's face as the portkey activated. “sh*t!”

674. This scene occurred to me, it's not one I want to write. Someone projects a memory of a death eater attack, add in every cliché horror you can think of. The students watch a scene of torture, rape, murder, and using imperio to force family members to do the same. Death eaters remove masks to reveal their potions professor and a few prominent purebloods laughing and joking. Ends with Dumbledore stating 'I trust Severus.' Thinking the Great Hall would be a good place for this, during a meal or the sorting would be a good time. Copies of the memory and a number of projections in public places at the same time.

675. Someone uses magic to be able to hide their wand in unusual places. Up their nose, behind an ear, uh . . . misc.

676. Dumbledore decides to make redeeming Draco his main focus some time in the first year. Draco has to deal with a crazed old man with way too much interest in his life. I see it as a buddy cop comedy; he's an insanely powerful old wizard, he's a spoiled brat. Together, they fight crime. And go off on horrifically dangerous missions in which Draco always states that he will tell his father who will put an end to them. Not being an idiot, Dumbledore has a way to keep the boy from telling his father. Or Lucius thinks it's a great way to expand his political power and doesn't care.

677. There is a long tradition of forcing people to compete in the Triwizard, there's an equally long tradition of competitors faking their deaths in an event to get out of having to compete in the tournament. It's in 'Triwizard Tournaments, A History.'

678. The mirror of Erised is p*rn. Reason it was created was to look at naked people.

679. The reason the Forbidden Forest is so dangerous is because of all the creatures Hagrid's released into it over the years. Past classes spent a lot of time in the forest before it became what it is now.

680. Having your memories wiped increases the odds of having a magical child. An unintentional side effect of Dark Lords is the increase in the population of muggle born.

681. Lockhart's the one that gets the cursed diary.

682. The Alliance is a bit more paranoid than in cannon. The Turians roll through the gate and into a mine field and under the guns of the human fleet. What idiot opens a door with potential hostiles on the other side without at least taking some basic precautions. Personally, a command detonated mine field and a fortress or five is the least I'd have up around every one of the gates in my territory.

683. Harry gets a group of secret house elf assassins, immediately tells Luna. Luna prints it in the Quibbler, everyone discounts it and no one suspects the truth when people start dying.

684. Potentially related to the above, some dead family's house elves pull a 47 ronin on Voldemort's forces.

685. The main reason Dumbledore doesn't like to hand out punishments is because then he'd have to publicly admit why the student was punished, making it much more difficult to use to blackmail them after they graduate.

686. Lockhart doesn't last a week. He either runs while he has the chance or is killed in an 'accident' of some sort.

You know, I had a professor like you when I went to primary school,” the student stated. “Always had his eyes on the young girls, always watched them. One day, the police came and took him away. Seems he liked to do more than just watch. I won't have that happen a second time.”

I assure you that-”

You're a famous dualist and hunter of the dark,” the student continued. “Or not, it seems your stories are either a touch exaggerated or completely false, judging by your first class. Still, best not to take any chances. It won't be long now.”

What won't be long?” Lockhart demanded. “What did you do?”

I killed you. Your brain just hasn't realized it yet.”

687. Harry gets questioned about the death of someone. He makes no bones about the fact that it's the best news he's heard.

We're here to ask you about the death of Severus Snape,” the Auror said gravely. “I understand you and the victim never got along?”

Snape's dead?”An angelic grin appeared on the boy's face. “Please tell me it was slow and horrible.”


Do you happen to have any pictures with you? Something suitable for framing would be nice.” The boy laughed. “Listen to me, you come and give me the best birthday present a guy could ask for and I ask for more. Sorry, even if you don't have any pictures, the fact that he's dead is enough.”

We didn't come here to tell you about his death.”

You didn't?”

We came to ask what role you had in his death.”

None, sadly. Don't get me wrong, I was definitely planning to kill him. What with him being a death eater and me being, well, me. But I hadn't gotten around to it. Bastard never did give me an excuse to do it in public or the opportunity to do it in private. But that's not important. The important thing isn't who killed him.”

It's not?”

No, it's that he's dead. Do you happen to know where they're burring him? I'd like to piss on the grave and I want to get there early before the line forms.”

688. Someone implies or flat out states that Draco trades sexual favors to his two shadows for protection from the other Slytherins.

689. A hex that causes monkeys made of sh*t to come out of someone's butt and attack them.

(Come to think of it, I'm sure I've seen this one before somewhere)

690. Snape gets confounded to think that Umbridge is a live and willing Lily.

691. One of the many school cats hunts down and pounces on Rita the first time she tries to sneak into the castle. One could have her get killed, or one could have her escape and try again only for the cat to find and attack her again. Rinse and repeat until she makes Moody look pretty.

692. Dementors avoid Sirius Black's cell. He's tricked the odd dementor more than once into trying to suck out his soul.

Close your eyes and get on your knees,” Sirius said with a smile. “Then just keep sucking until my soul comes out.”

693. Harry is a magician.

Yer a wizard Harry!”

No, I'm a magician.”

What's the difference?”

A magician knows many types of magic, a wizard knows just one.”

Points for anyone who recognizes where I stole that from.

694. Magic is all about will, focus, and intent. Hogwarts is worse than useless in some ways, forcing people to do things as they've always been done stunts one's growth. Someone or several someones realizes this.

695. Having grown up around Petunia, a noted gossip, Harry knows that no one will ever believe the truth if it's up against a more interesting lie. Harry decides to create more interesting truths. The next day, the Prophet's stories about how delusional he is is gone, replaced by stories about how he got intoxicated and urinated in the Ministry's fountain.

696. House elves are homunculuses.

697. The fidelius is used to make people forget magic exists.

(May have seen this one at some time in some place. I don't recall)

698. Harry's accidental magic confounds the Dursley family. The neighbors think that the Dursley family is insane. Vernon is prone to violent outbursts, like the time he assaulted the Peterson's lawn gnome. Petunia tells everyone that her rose bush is a hoodlum that they never should have taken in. Dudley's the sworn enemy of pigeons and, along with his very confused gang, makes sure that none of the other children even think of befriending a pigeon. Harry goes through life mostly ignored by his relatives but with his own bedroom and plenty to eat. The neighbors regard him as that nice boy, the only normal one in the house.

699. Voldemort calls his followers to the grave yard and murders them all.

We are even, Harry,” the dark lord said calmly. “I killed your parents, you killed me. Twice.” The dark wizard smirked. “I am done with England, done with its politics and done with its purebloods. You may have them.” Voldemort turned and began to walk away. “Come, Wormtail, my most faithful remain in Azkaban. I want them freed or dead before we wash our hands of this place.”

700. Harry is, if my memory of an unnamed book series is correct, a mechanic. He mostly uses magical items and potions. Rarely uses spells.

701. Phoenixes aren't exactly rare in some parts of the world. They're basically magical chickens and are treated as such. They're finger likkin good!

702. Phoenix feces bears a very strong resemblance to lemon drops.

703. Harry is listed as Hadrian S. Wall. Yes, it was a joke. Yes, I am getting pretty tired of Hadrian as a name. By pretty, I mean very.

704. Sirius plucks his godson out of the rubble and decides to stash the lad somewhere safe before seeking vengeance. As Harry Potter is being hunted by numerous dangerous individuals, Sirius changes the boy's name to help protect him in case the traitor gets the upper hand and he can not be around to raise his godson. The name he chooses is – well, it's up to you, but I think I'd go with the below. Good for a cheap laugh, not much else.

Biggus!” the matron called out. “You have a letter.”

I do?” young Biggus stated. “No, you must be mistaken. This letter is for Harry Potter, my name is Biggus Dikkus.”

(Yes, this is connected to 703, I am really frigging sick of Hadrian and Harrison, anything else is better).

705. The philosopher's stone is an everlasting gobstopper.

706. To go with the above, Willy Wonka and Nicolas Flamel are the same person. Hey, it fits.

707. The prize for winning the Triwizard is the magic and abilities of the ones you competed with.

(I ended up using this one).

708. Harry befriends Luna early on. Death eaters all disappear shortly after Luna spends a summer visiting her uncle Brock.

709. The Dementors are very interested in Snape. More so than they are in Harry.

710. Hermione's parents have a book titled 'Traumatizing your child into success.' She occasionally makes off handed remarks about the messed up things they do.

So mum was dressed as a vicker and da was in a french maid's costume and it took me ages to figure out why they had a dozen goldfish. None of the books I read were much help.”

711. The dragon in the first task dies of 'natural causes' right after Harry enters the arena.

(They have department stores in Japan. Really. Look up Itto Yokado)

712. First round of Chunin exam. Someone waits till the test is almost over, calmly stands up and blackjacks another of the hopefuls. Switches their blank test with the full test. “What? You said I could be caught cheating a couple times without getting tossed. That was one.”

713. Harry gets a house elf for the Dursleys as a form of revenge. The house mysteriously cleaning itself and food magically appearing is something that drives them absolutely nuts.

714. Dumbledore casually remarks to McGonagall after hearing that Harry isn't at his home that Harry in the future must have become master of death. His plan was to make the boy master of death and a dark lord, turns out it worked, so he doesn't have to do that. He's quite happy about that as it would have been quite trying on him, even if it was for the greater good. The fact that Death Eaters are dying in droves seems to support that theory, lemon drop?

715. Hat made from a dragon scrotum. Maybe a Quidditch Helmet?

716. Sirius is a big fan of the film 'Zardoz' to the point of doing Zardoz cosplay every day.

717. The Triwizard is safe. Harry just walks past a rather put out looking Dragon and snags the egg. Doesn't even bother casting a spell.

718. Someone develops a version of Polyjuice that works on chickens. Someone points out the fact that it's not a crime to use Imperio on a chicken. A disgusting percentage of the students gets speculative looks on their faces and disappear.

719. Angelus tells everyone he got VD from Buffy.

720. Draco faints and does not piss himself.

What are you doing, Ron?”

Draco fainted, right?”


And he didn't piss himself, right?”

I guess, I didn't check.”

I did, he didn't.”


But I'm going to tell everyone that he did.”


So I don't want to lie to anyone. When I tell everyone that Draco is passed out in a puddle of urine, he'll damn well be passed out in a puddle of urine.”

You're going to piss on him?”

Never said it was his urine.”

721. Neji gets an eye full of pepper spray during the exams.

722. Due to time travel/a vision from the future/research etc. Someone knows how Angel's curse can be broken. A bit of B&E, some knockout gas, and a rubber band solves that problem. Angel wakes up with a cone around his neck, just for lulz.

723. Lex starts a rumor based on the 'woman of kleenex' meme. Circulates pictures of a guy with the back of his head blown out by a shotgun, states that it's a police coverup. I see this on a internet conspiracy theory board. Meh, may be good for a cheap laugh in a fic.

724. Beaver Cleaver getting accused of sexual harassment two seconds after he introduces himself.

725. Right of Conquest taken to the logical conclusion.

What's this?” Harry asked.

One troll club and one soiled loin cloth, yours for the defeat of the troll. Now, I know what you're thinking.”

I seriously doubt that.”

You're thinking, where's the troll's wife? Rest assured, we're working on that.”

726. Haku, Haku's mother, and several other bloodline holders are saved by black ops teams from other villages.

727. More fun with Henge/Polyjuice. Or not, works either way.

You may have noticed that I give you a lot more training than I do the other two,” Kakashi begain. “Did you ever wonder why?”

No,” Sasuke replied. “It is evident that you act as you do because of my greater potential.”

Nope,” Kakashi laughed. “It's cause you might be my son.”

Mother cheated on father with you?” Sasuke muttered in shock. “No, it can not be true, everyone has treated me as I deserve to be treated since a young age.”

Yep, for the same reason too.”

You mean to say . . .”

Her husband was a giant dick and was useless in bed so your mother figured, what the hell, why not kill three birds with one stone. Slept with almost everyone in the village so she could have a bit of fun, give you an advantage due to the fact that everyone in the village thinks they might be your dad, and it also prevented her husband from reproducing. Some say it was the shock of finding out that drove your brother to murder the rest of the clan.”

Then . . . then why do women treat me well as well?” Sasuke asked desperately, franticly trying to find a hole in his teacher's story.

Nostalgia would be my guess, she had one hell of a tongue,” Kakashi said with a creepy grin on his face. “The things she could do with it, the places it would go. Woman had no limits when it came to that sort of thing, up for anything and I do mean anything.”

728. Luna has eight reindeer heads mounted on her bedroom wall.

729. Ministry declaring random things dark taken to its logical conclusion.

How bout it, chuckle head, you got any maple syrup?” The Auror sneered.

I don't think he speaks english. How bout it, moose humper? Spreken zie ice frog? You know what'll happen if we catch you trying to smuggle the dark and sweet onto our fair shores.”

730. To go with #583, eating phoenix makes you younger and/or more magically powerful.

731. A P.T. Barnum type showman. It's a great character and one that's really fun to write, don't know why it doesn't get used more.

Behold! The rare double Minotaur. One half bull, the other half bull!”

Isn't that just a regular bull?”

732. Hogwarts' history class is visited by groups of war re-enactors. Harry is less than amused to see them do the scene that got him his name.

733. It's easy to get yourself a philosopher's stone. First, find a philosopher. Second, ensure that the philosopher is male. Third, take one of his stones. Most male philosophers have two of them so you should be good unless someone else has gotten to him first.

734. If you gotta apparate in a muggle area, throw down a smoke pellet and yell 'ninja vanish' first.

735. The same spells used to create vanishing cabinets used to create other things. Adult diapers, for example.

Ron had a brief look of concentration on his face before it relaxed into a look of deep satisfaction. On the other side of the room, Draco's eyes widened as a warm squishy feeling made itself known. Ron's smile deepened when one of the other students made an accusation, Draco's insistence that someone else must have befouled his pants with magic was as amusing as it was true. Best invention Hermione ever made.

736. Voldemort can't use crucio. His minions all pretend it hurts so he doesn't start using another torture curse.

Yes, I did steal this.

737. Same as the above but with a different or all three of the unforgivables.

Needed a bit of filler to help bulk this list out. Planning to go to 1001 and this sort of cheat helps get there faster.

738. Crookshanks begins marking everything. It does not make him popular.

739. NASA found a pile of dead wizards on the moon. Idiots didn't know it didn't have an atmosphere.

740. Ron opens an erotic cake shop.

741. Using Polyjuice to create propaganda films.

Hi, I'm Tom Riddle, but you may know me better as Lord Voldemort. I'm here to tell you about my plans for the future. First, I'm going to make it mandatory for everyone to be altered to look Margret Thatcher, the sexiest of all the prime ministers” He paused to consider the matter. “Well, maybe number two after Winston Churchill.” The dark lord's tongue darted out to slither over his lips.

742. Gato arrives a bit earlier, he and his thugs are promptly torn apart by a berserk Naruto. This convinces Zabuza that he wants no part in anything that's going on.

Haku, we're getting the f*ck out of here.”

Yes, Zabuza-sama.”

743. Even more fun with Polyjuice/Metamorphs/Henge

I first began to suspect that Harry was unhappy with all the things he was forced to endure due to my actions when I heard that I was wanted in several countries and banned from several more.”


Apparently someone using my appearance became a super villain, calls himself 'the Sodomite' and has a catch phrase about showing them why they call him 'the headmaster.' The whole thing really is quite juvenile, I blame Sirius' influence. Lemon drop?”

Why do you suspect Mr. Potter?”

I didn't until I remembered him saying something about how I'd pay. Naturally, I thought of him when my Gringotts account was emptied a few days later, but I knew that Harry would never do that.”



He robbed Gringotts once before in order to get Hufflepuff's cup, remember?”

(Could likely do a thousand ideas just involving spells/techniques/etc. that alter appearance).

744. The weight/composition of Galleons adjusts automatically based on the price of gold in GBP. Gold goes up, the weight of the coin and the purity goes up. Goes down, it goes down.

745. More stupid rules.

Harry carefully adjusted the Sword of Gryffindor as he mounted his broom.

What are you doing with that thing, Potter!” Snape bellowed.

Wearing it, why?”

Fifty points from Gryffindor and two weeks detention for attempting to bring a dangerous weapon onto the field,” Snape said gleefully. “I'm also confiscating it.”

Rules say I can and that I can chop off your head if you try. Quidditch rules for the first, school for the second.”


Quidditch is a gentleman's sport, rules were written at a time when gentleman wore swords everywhere and haven't been updated since. School rules state that I can use deadly force against anyone trying to disarm me, in the charter actually. Also written at a different time.”

I think he meant to ask if you really need a sword while playing Quidditch,” Dumbledore stated. “Didn't you, Severus.”

Oh. It's so I can chop off Draco's hands.”

What?” Dumbledore looked dumbfounded.

Rules state I can if I catch him trying to cheat. Same for all his teammates.”

You're planning to chop Mr. Malfoy's hands off,” Dumbledore said slowly, as if he couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth.

If I can wait that long, they get three penalty shots if I can't.” He eyed the nervous Slytherin Seeker. “We'll see I suppose.”

746. Due to his fame, a number of stupid laws were made concerning Harry Potter while he was out of the wizarding world.

I'm not allowed to get married?”

It was thought that it would prevent people from fighting over who would marry you,” the ministry flunky explained.

Fine, what about the one that says I'm a resident of Jersey?”

Their vote was critical on a rather important matter a few years ago.”

Okay, why am I only allowed to use Frog Brand™ condoms?”

They covered a budget shortfall shortly after you were born.”

747. Sirius Black's fortune is built on the royalties he receives from the patents he holds on numerous sex toys.

I call this one, the Devistator™”

(Rolling outta the sky)

748. Dobby meets the underpants gnomes. He gets ideas. Terrible ideas.

749. Piotr Vorkosigan doesn't die of old age, he accompanies his grandson to Beta and on to fight as a mercenary.

750. More codes and ciphers. Even simple ones. Not saying one has to use one time pads, though it could be a good plot point in some fics, but at least something more complex than a Cesar or a pig pen.

751. Harry Potter, young super villain. He gets kidnapped by a gang of thugs and finds things much better than they were at home. The cupboard they keep him in is much larger, the food's better, the company's more intelligent. Things are going great until some dick in a cape drags him back to the Dursley house. The first gang talks and it isn't long before he's kidnapped again. Some time later, he contracts with gangs and other super villains to break him out in return for a reduced share on the first job, which is a fairly standard arrangement in the villain community. Has a seething hatred for all things hero. Boy goes to Hogwarts and is somewhat disappointed by the quality of the people on the bad side of things.

So, Draco, you say your father's rich?”

Richest wizard in England,” the boy boasted.

And you're his heir, only son too, not even one spare to be found. Would you say that you're important to him? Perhaps the most important thing in the world.”

Naturally,” the boy sniffed.

Wonderful. Exactly how much gold do you think he'd pay for your safe return?” Harry didn't normally have much to do with the sort that would resort to kidnapping for ransom. Much too low on the criminal ladder to merit his notice under most circ*mstances. Still, a ten percent finder's fee was a ten percent finder's fee and if anything happened to the little dick weasel, well that was just too bad.

752. The new Minister is an ex-wrestler and former p*rn star.

753. The Lovegoods prove that it is a bad idea to get into an argument or annoy someone who buys ink by the barrel.

Uh, Sirius?”

Yeah, Harry?”

You know how I've been dating Luna for the last couple weeks?”

Lovegood? The little blonde? Good on you, Harry, her mum was a right tasty witch.”

Yeah, well, we were talking and I let it slip that you gave me to Hagrid and went off to find and kill Peter and that's why I was with the Dursleys and she got a bit upset at you for that, so, um, sorry about that.”

Don't worry about it, I screwed up and I know I screwed up and I spent ten years in Azkaban because of it. We both suffered because of my stupidity.”

Yeah, thing is, she doesn't think you suffered enough.”


Quibbler is going to have an interview with arch-criminal Sirius Black tomorrow and . . . well . . . sorry.”

About what?” the escaped fugitive asked warily.

About your new nickname and why you're getting it.”

What new nickname?”

She's calling you the Booty Warrior.”

Note: Do not google 'Booty Warrior' on a work computer or around impressionable people.

754. After arriving on scene, Sirius transfigures something into baby Harry. Why? That's a different idea. Either the Dursleys raise a transfigured squirrel, or the transfiguration on the dirty diaper ends in a day or two leading people to believe that the child disappeared and the Dursleys with some awkward questions. Or the transfiguration on the squirrel wares off leaving the Dursleys to deal with an angry squirrel in addition to the aforementioned awkward questions.

755. A vampire with poor judgement.

Why don't we see if you can face my newest fledge first,” the vampire sneered.

The fledge walked out, causing its sire to grin.

You can't do it, can you, you can't kill your friend! HAHAHAHAHA!”

Not my friend.”


Quite the opposite in fact, and now I have an excuse to kill them. I'm almost tempted to let you go for that.”

756. Draco succeeds in school the way Lucius succeeds at life. With massive bribes.

You sure showed me this time, Draco,” Harry said, checking the money bag to make sure he hadn't been shorted.”

757. Harry meets with his cliché account manager at Gringotts, has Dobby beat the goblin into the ground.

What happened?” Spikdik moaned.

You were just explaining to me how you were going to give me a cracking interest rate, a bunch of information and other stuff I want, and a goblin passport or something that would grant me all sorts of privileges.”

Why would I do that?”

Because I had the foresight to record you getting your ass handed to you by a house elf and had the further foresight to make a large number of copies and smuggle them out of the bank before waking you up.”

758. Hogwarts' newest Headmaster, a man with experience, a man of the cloth, a man unafraid to discipline students, a man named Father Jack. f*ck, drink, girls.

Been rewatching Father Ted on Amazon.

759. Creative Charms

Why are you smiling?” the girl asked suspiciously. “And what's with those stupid glasses . . . you didn't.”

Didn't what?”

Didn't figure out a way to charm them into seeing through clothing, did you?”

Nope. Way too difficult to do that, I charmed them to make me think I was able to charm them to see through your clothing.”

I'm still going to hex you for that on general principles.”

760. Thanks to Flammel, gold doesn't have a lot of value in the wizarding world. Still illegal as hell to sell it in the non-magical world though. Officially, it's because of the Statute of Secrecy. In reality, it's because that's how the Ministry funds itself and it doesn't want the competition.

761. Father Jack, Hogwarts' newest defense professor.

762. Dumbledore writes enough in his letter to the Dursleys to convince them that not only is the Dark Lord still around, but that their best hope for survival is for Harry to grow up strong and to get rid of him. Vernon decides to train Harry to be the greatest wizard ever. Vernon is an inept idiot who happens to be a devotee of the Genma Saotome school of instruction Not saying Harry is afraid of cats, saying it's an excuse to dredge up every insane training method one can think of.

(Not the same as .308)

763. Purebloods are absolute pigs thanks to having their elves clean up after them. Google the Versailles Palace and its lack of toilets for inspiration.

764. A reference to 'Whipping Tom,' SPANKO!

765. Hermione's maternal grandfather/uncle/other relative is Lemming of the BDA. No one expects the British Dental Association.

I knew there was something going on there.”

766. Plague Doctor Masks.

767. Most children wouldn't know how to steal a corpse from the morgue. Most children wouldn't know that the police identify almost unrecognizable corpses via dental records and wouldn't have the foresight to switch them out. Most children wouldn't know how to rig a gas explosion. Of the few children that did know the above, most would not have the will or the ability to do any of it. This story is not about any of the afore mentioned children. This story is about the exception.

768. Logic

Look. If I admit that I did it, you're going to get angry with me for doing it. If I say I didn't do it, you're going to get angry with me for lying to you.”

And if you don't say anything, I'm going to be angry with you for that.”

Less work for me though.”

769. The Dursleys spend years stuck on the island while Harry has their house all to himself in the summers.

770. Anikan fell to the ground as a lifetime of memories swept over him. He remembered it all, his apprenticeship, his fall, his redemption, his children, his love, his power. It almost overwhelmed the six year old. Twenty minutes later, he and his mother were free. Another hour and there wasn't a slave or master on the planet. Fatally for most of the second group. An hour and fifteen minutes after his memories returned, a rather large contract was taken out on the senator from Naboo.

'Next stop Naboo for a reunion/kidnapping,' the former dark lord of the Sith thought to himself as his fleet of ships broke atmosphere, leaving behind the charred husks of a number of trade towns behind.

It wasn't the sort of thing Jedi were normally supposed to do, but he figured he should get a bit of slack for being a former Sith.

Were I to write this, I'd have a number of attempts on ol' Palpy's life. All of them failing but causing him no end to trouble as many of them accidentally screw up his plans to take control of the republic.

771. Wizards use every part of a dragon.

You all know that it's heartstrings are vital core materials for wands, that their dung is great fertalizer, and everyone knows Albus Dumbledore's work with their blood. But does anyone else know uses for the other dragon parts?”

Their scrotums are used to make ladies handbags and Quidditch helmets.”

Their bones are ground up and added to flour as filler to make bread.”

Who can guess what part of a dragon my walking stick is made out of? I'll give you a hint, it's close to the handbag.”

772. Harry's New Clothes

Look everyone! Potter's naked!” Draco crowed.

My robes are made of the finest and most expensive materials. They are also invisible to idiots as you can all see!” Harry said loudly.

Everyone nodded and he got several compliments on his stylish new robes.

Admit it,” Luna whispered into his ear. “You're just doing this because it's the hottest month of the year and the cooling charms on the castle malfunctioned.”

773. Everything is Mizuki's fault.

You tricked me into stealing the Forbidden Scroll!”

Yes, yes I did,” Mizuki laughed.

And you've been sabotaging me in class!” Naruto yelled.

I have,” Mizuki agreed cheerfully.

And you tried to frame me for secretly taking dirty pictures of Anko and selling them to all the perverts around the village,” Naruto continued, noticing that the Anbu in general had arrived and one Anbu in particular had arrived.

What? No, I didn't do that.”

I'm pretty sure you did,” Naruto disagreed. “And you're the reason for the Dango shortage too, yet another thing you tried to frame me for. Bet you also stole those explosive tags that were used to create the shortage too, you evil bastard!”

I-” the very confused traitor wondered just when and how he'd lost control of the conversation.

And you're probably the one that's been pissing in the sake vats, I-”

Naruto smiled in satisfaction as he watched a number of Anbu in general and one in particular severely beat the traitor for the many many crimes he'd committed against everyone in the village, and the sake vats in particular. Now, all he had to do was to slowly and quietly get somewhere hidden before they convinced themselves that at least half the accusations against Mizuki were false. Especially the one about pissing in the sake vats. A grin appeared on the boy's face, best make a pit stop before hitting his safe house. It'd be a while before he had a chance to add his own special ingredient to the brew again, possibly never if they caught him.

774. Harry abandons Draco to die in the forbidden forest during their detention.

Running away and leaving your companion to die is hardly the behavior expected of a member of the house of the lions,” Minerva sniffed.

I disagree,” Harry replied. “Knowing that I'd come back to a bunch of self important professors that would attempt to blame me to distract from the fact that they were the ones that put us in a dangerous situation, I still bravely chose to leave my enemy to die. Admittedly, it would have been more cunning to kill him and attempt to blame the creatures of the forest, but I'm in the house of the brave not the house of the cunning.”

Five points to Gryffindor,” Snape said through clenched teeth. “Little sh*t weasel is right.”

775. The House Elf Mafia.

Is a real nice castles youz haves here, filled with lots of kids, lots of dirty kids thats makes lots of messes, be a shame if someone were to clean it before youz had a chance to.”

776. Darth Maul couldn't help but stare as the Gungan known as Jar Jar stuck its reproductive organs into the conduit. It's screams of pain and fear were intoxicating, enchanting, so distracting that he didn't notice that the conduit was about to explode. It killed them both of course, forever sparing the world of robot legs Maul and the idiocy that was Lucas' attempt at comic relief.

777. Scooby Doo crossed with Magnum PI

I maintain that the lads are sufficient security,” Higgins said calmly. “Which is why I am writing to Mister Masters recommending your immediate dismissal.”

Higgy, baby, the dogs are great, but they aren't perfect. They work best as part of a security plan. One that includes, alarms, dogs, and-”

You, I presume,” the Brit said dryly. “You'll forgive me for thinking that you aren't the most objective person.”

What if I could prove it?” Magnum said quickly. “What if I could get someone that could get past the dogs? A stranger, someone they've never met before?”

Enter Shaggy, the Dog Handler. A legend in some parts of the military.

(Been trying to do this for a while, just can't get it to solidify. Was going to be part of my Shaggy wanders through every 80's movie/show I can shoe horn him into mega crossover. May still do it one of these days).

778. Wizard chess pieces will sometimes mutiny and attack their player if things are going badly. More dangerously for the audience, they'll sometimes attack members of the audience that they think are giving their player bad advice or are giving good advice to their opposing player or if they just don't like the look of them.

779. “Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Buggery.”

Wizardry!” McGonagall loudly corrected the Headmaster. “The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!”

That's not how I remember it,” the old man muttered.

780. In order to find a suitable pureblood bride for Draco, Lucius contacts his cousins in the colonies.

They isolated themselves from muggles three hundred years ago, just four families with the dream of creating a magic utopia,” Lucius said, eyes gleaming. “You are fortunate, Draco, that your new bride's intended died in an unfortunate accident.”

What happened?”

He drowned. As I understand it, it was a rainy day and he looked up, and . . . well, these things happen when one is as pure as he was. Just think of it, three hundred years of a muggle free existence. How fortunate they are.”

781. Harry calmly walks out and retrieves the egg in the first task, ignoring the dragon. Remarks that not even wizards are dim enough to make a tournament that'll kill children. The judges share a few nervous glances, relieved the dragon wasn't feeling peckish and resolving to make a couple small changes in the planned future tasks.

782. Yet even more fun with polyjuice.

Godfather,” Draco greeted the man with all the dignity of a pureblood. “Father had a message he wished for me to pass to you today.”

What is it, Draco?”

Father and I took turns f*cking your mother over the holidays,” Draco announced. “It wasn't hard to find her, just took a bit of digging.”

783. Bruce is horrified to learn that there's a persistent rumor that he's a bit too close to his boy wards. He's even more horrified to learn that the police haven't looked into it because he's the biggest employer in the city.

784. Moody is incredibly handsome under his glamor.

785. Magneto focuses on wiping out all trace of the Nazi Party. His one mutant war against Hydra is the stuff of legends.

786. Magneto dies and wakes up in his younger self's body. Hitler's forces have to contend with the master of magnetism. A fic that makes 'Inglorious Bastards' look like the 'Teletubbies.'

787. The Ministry reacts to Sirius Black's escape by denying that he escaped and announcing that he died in prison. Releases further statements that the well known Sirius Black impersonator Stubby Boardman has been trying to stir up trouble. Sirius gets a five galleon fine for disguising himself to look like an escaped convict and claiming to be Sirius Black. Judge reduces it to two galleons if he publicly admits that he isn't the notorious Sirius Black and apologizes.

788. Hogwarts is the best magical school in the world for a number of reasons. Chief among them is the quality of the instructors. Someone (Dumbledore is the obvious choice, but one could also use Lucius Malfoy) using a combination of drugs and enchantments has slowly over the years weakened the will and intellect of the instructors. The reason? One possible one is that they would never allow Snape to act as he does. It is also the reason no one noticed Moody had been swapped. In the early years, parents didn't believe their children as they knew that the professors that had taught them would never allow such bad behavior in the school. In the later years, depending on how long one wishes to take it, the children are the parents and think the way the school is run is normal.

789. Xander dresses up as Old Man Henderson for Halloween.

790. Vernon was the fat kid in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

791. Sirius always dreamed of working for a greeting card company. Sadly, they had to part ways after management expressed their belief that no one else would ever need an 'I'm sorry I had sex with your sister' card or a 'Sorry I gave your mum the clap again' card.

792. Dumbledore hid Harry with the Dursleys to protect him from the wizarding world, mostly researchers who wanted to dissect him to see how he survived the killing curse. He encouraged the veneration of the boy-who-lived as a further means of protection. Researchers know that even if they do succeed in kidnapping the boy and dissecting him, the public will leave no stone unturned and hunt them to the ends of the earth.

793. Ma Kent finds out how her boy's been treating the clone Superboy. She is not amused.

794. The Marauders figured they'd eventually cross the wrong person, Post Hogwarts, so they broke into Azkaban to build a pre-made escape route out of it.

795. Tom Riddle didn't care for immortality, fame, or power. All Tom Riddle wanted was to kill purebloods and destroy their whole corrupt society. He wasn't too fond of the non-magical upper class either.

796. Tom Riddle Sr. did not abandon his new bride.

797. Had a previous idea that Hagrid worked as the p*rn star 'Rube Hardrod' during the summers. To go along with that, he's able to solve most of Harry's problems with his p*rn star skills. Either by taking matters into his own . . . hands, or by teaching them to Harry.

Tears streaming down his face, shoulders slumped, the very picture of dejection, Bane trudged away from the school and the wizard that was more of a stallion than he would ever be.

Not sure I like what yer sayin bout 'arry, Rita,” Hagrid said.

What are you going to do about it, you big oaf?”

Hagrid unzipped. “Perhaps we could arrange a little trade.”

Rita licked her lips. “Perhaps we can,” she agreed. “How bout you let me pump you for . . . information, I lay off the kid.”

Oh, Hagrid,” Myrtle said in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

I'm here to take a look at your pipes,” he said with a lecherous grin. (All p*rn Stars are expert plumbers, no doubt he'd find the problem in no time).

798. Each school in the Triwizard hosts an event. The hosting school abstains from judging their own competitor.

799. The Dragon Heartstring core in wands isn't really the heartstring, that's just the marketing term. It's actually . . . and harvesting it doesn't harm the dragon.

testicl*s?!” the man screamed. “My wand has a dragon testicl* core?!”

800. Naruto grabs the wrong scroll. The one he grabs is filled with techniques to make things go boom.

To everyone's surprise, Kakashi was only a few minutes late to the first Jonin instructor meeting.

Who's the deadman who taught Naruto how to make explosive clones!” the blackened and still smoldering man demanded.

801. Mighty Morphing Power Tonks

802. Harry becomes a metamorph at a very young age and, after seeing what Vernon does to Dudley (who he thinks is Harry morphed into Dudley) decides that getting the hell out of there is not just a good idea, it's necessary for his continued survival. He changes faces and identities like other people change socks. Thinking he's filed the paperwork to get himself into a boarding school with one face and attending with another when Dumbledore catches up with him. Three hots and a cot, what's more to ask for?

803. Harry Potter becomes interested in another Harry, Harry Houdini who died on the same day as his parents. Could see the Dursleys supporting it as Houdini was known for unmasking frauds. Or perhaps not. Picking locks and getting out of restraints could be useful for the boy.

804. There's a builder that lives in or likes to stop by Hogwarts. This is why new rooms and wings of the castle appear out of no where, the wizards just figure they were always there and choosing not to reveal themselves or something.

Was trying to plot out a 'Harry the Builder' and all I could think of was him massively upgrading the defenses around the stone.

805. In an attempt to avoid Harry getting his letter, the Dursleys have him on long distance international flight on his birthday. Let the damn owl try to deliver it at thirty thousand feet.

806. Death Eater Boot Camp.

Are you tired?” Bellatrix sneered. “Do you think this is too hard? Maybe you want to take a nap?”

Draco regarded his aunt with silent suspicion.

You know who wouldn't think this is too hard?” Bella leaned in. “Harry f*cking POTTER! You know what he's been doing while you sit around on your fat little ass? Training! All he does is train and think about ways to kill you and destroy our way of life. Our lord had him and we wouldn't need any of your pathetic lot!”

We're trying as hard as we can,” one of the recruits whined.

The rest of them winced, knowing that sh*t was about to rain upon them.

You're trying as hard as you can are you?” Bellatrix said with mock sympathy. “I guess that makes it okay then, doesn't it? Alright, why don't you get out a parchment.”


Parchment, ass f*ck! Right f*cking now! You deaf or just stupid, recruit?” Her grin deepened as the maggot complied with her orders. “Write this down,” she began, her tone dripping with fake sympathy. “Dear, mum. I want you to know that training is very very hard, but we're trying just as hard as we can. I'm sure that will comfort you when Harry f*ckING POTTER BURNS DOWN OUR f*ckING MANOR AND f*ckS YOU ON TOP OF DAD'S STILL WARM CORPSE. I HOPE YOU ENJOY BEING PASSED AROUND TO EVERY f*ckING MUDBLOOD IN ENGLAND BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO f*ckING HAPPEN AND THERE'S NOTHING A USELESS f*ckWIT LIKE ME CAN DO ABOUT IT. GET USED TO f*ckING gangb*ngS AND BEING DEFILED BY f*ckING MUGGLES BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO EXPERIENCE A LOT OF THAT f*ckING sh*t IN THE COMMING f*ckING MONTHS! But,” her tone softened. “We're f*cking trying, so it's a o'f*cking'k. Now sign it, sh*t stain!”


I said sign the f*cking thing you co*ck sucking f*ck bag!” Bella snatched the letter. “Going out with the first f*cking owl so your f*cking mum knows to look forward the dicking from a hundred f*cking muggles she's going to f*cking get because her f*cking kid is such a useless f*ckwit.” She turned and started to walk away. “Oh,” she said thoughtfully. “I almost f*cking forgot.” She turned back. “CRUCIO! CRUCIO YOU CUM GUZZLING ASS LICKER!”

Dedicated to my drill sergeants. The bastards.

807. Rather than give Peter Parker some advice about power and responsibility, Uncle Ben gives advice on girls or something.

808. Lily protected Harry with an elder sign. Which I suppose is what his scar is.

809. Luna trades something to Harry in return for him becoming her boyfriend. It's as much to keep the bullies away as anything else as she figures no one in their right mind would mess with Harry Potter's girlfriend. It may or may not go as she thought it would.

Pucey offered protection in return for my favors,” Luna explained. “I thought that was a good idea but if I was going to take that course of action that it would be best to be with a boy I didn't find objectionable and also one that wouldn't wilt and turn me over to another boy the second trouble arose.”

He did what?” Harry asked with barely constrained menace. “Hermione!”

Come on, Luna, we're going up to my dorm for a bit.” She let her gaze sweep over the room. “Ron, go with him. Make sure he doesn't kill the prat. The rest of you saw Ron and Harry in the Common Room all night.”

The rest of us are going along to explain to the sh*t that we were all in the Common Room all night,” Lavender retorted. “Come to think of it, Luna?”

Yes, Lavender?”

Isn't just him that's bugging you, is it?”

It is not.”

May as well come along then,” the girl said cheerfully. “We'll need you to point out who needs our attentions.”

We shall also need to pick up your things and my sister,” Parvati added.

Meh, I've thought of worse ideas.

Omake by Veive

Stewart Ackerly heard a knock at the door of Ravenclaw's common room.

"Probably some first years who can't answer the riddle" He grumbled to himself as he got up and trudged to the door.

What Stewart found upon opening the door surprised him.

Outside was a crowd of Gryffindors with Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood at their center.

"Him?" Harry asked Luna as he co*cked his head at Stewart.

"Yes" Luna agreed.

"Hello" Harry said with a smile. "Incindeo”

Then he pushed stewart inside as the hapless boy screamed and batted at his burning robes in an ineffective effort to put them out.

"You set him on fire." Luna stated distantly.

"Yep." Harry agreed cheerfully. "I thought it got my opinion across." he said as he set a few more

Ravenclaws alight."

810. Kal El's mother went along on his trip to Earth.

811. The Sorting Hat is filled with loads of items, not just the Sword of Gryffindor. The Butt Plug of Slytherin, the Brass Knuckles of Hufflepuff, etc. Use it as an excuse to bring in any item from any wizard from any time period.

The Swedish Penis Enlarger of Black,” McGonagall whispered. “How I've waited for this day.”

It's not mine! Why would I even need one?” Sirius protested, eyes shifting shiftily. “That's not my bag, baby.”

Detention!” McGonagall yelled blissfully.

I told you, it's not mine cause I definitely wouldn't need one . . . and, uh, I'm not a student anymore.”

One, you're lying. Two, I do not care. Your detention stands and fifteen points for lying to your head of house.”

812. The Black family motto was changed in the fairly recent past (it's in French rather than latin or Greek), it was originally ----

813. Alternately, 'Always Pure' refers to something other than blood.

814. Harry uses a time turner to get through the tournament, or just to escape from Voldemort after the third task.

With all the murder attempts I deal with? I'd be an idiot not to have one of these gems.”

815. Time Turners are sex toys. The restrictions given to Hermione were to ensure she didn't put it to immoral use. Could pair nicely with the above.

816. Inspired by a conversation in the yahoo group. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone rewritten to include all the random junk JK tossed into later versions.

Dumbledore's been called to speak with the Minister about something. The note said it was urgent.”

Yes, then I flooed the Ministry and found out the note I got was a forgery.” The old man chuckled. “Whomever sent it didn't realize that only an idiot would use an owl to call me to an important meeting. After that, it was a simple matter to beat ten kinds of hell out of the thief. Lemon drop?”


A fire?” Hermione smirked. “It's a good thing we learned the flame freezing charm last week.”

or even

I did consider hiding the stone here, but rather than hide the stone at Hogwarts, I cast a powerful charm with myself as the secret keeper. Lemon drop?”

817. Cities without super heroes have lower instances of villainy than cities with. A new super villain pops up, they inevitably do something stupid that puts them in a life threatening situation, no one saves them. That and the fact that police snipers get used a whole hell of a lot more often when you don't have some yahoo in a fetish outfit that works for free to take care of the problem for you.

818. A super powered person being sentenced to join a super team as community service.

I had a bit too much to drink and urinated on something I wasn't supposed to urinate on,” he introduced himself.

What are your powers?”

Doesn't matter. Court says I gotta show up here, law says I don't have to do anything dangerous.”

Leading to . . .

When am I leaving? Let me put it this way, free food, free lodging, your teleporter things that'll get me anywhere in the world, blazing fast internet, and your super computer can decode the encryptions on every cable channel on earth including the p*rn ones. Be happy I'm willing to wear pants most of the time.” Not that he thought they had any room to talk with the odd outfits they wore. The protagonist mulled over the matter. Maybe they'd buy the explanation that underwear and a stained, ripped t-shirt was a superhero outfit?

(I may expand on this)

819. Samurai Pizza Cats crossed over with the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles.

(This is another one that I think should likely be on the list of things I hope I never see)

820. Hagrid's creatures get loose and wipe out all the Death Eaters around Hogwarts. On the one hand, it's horrifically traumatizing, on the other Care of Magical Creatures has never been more popular.

821. Rather than a big black dog or a grim, Sirius is whatever breed Clifford the Big Red Dog is. He breaks out of Azkaban by destroying the place the first time he transforms and calmly walks to shore.

(Not sure what caused that memory to pop up).

822. We've all seen the idea that Slytherin's monster was meant to be a last ditch defense of the school. But consider this, it lives in the basem*nt and travels around through the sewer pipes. How bout the idea that the basilisk was meant to deal with clogs? Check out the videos of the London sewer workers dealing with the giant masses of congealed fat, much easier if you could just call for a giant snake to come in and ram it out of the way.

(From a thread on CaerAzkaban)

823. After learning Kakashi's ultimate move, Naruto perfects it and uses it at every opportunity.

Anko paid the genin no mind as he tried to sneak up behind her figuring that it'd be a lot funnier if she waited a bit before summoning a dozen snakes to wrap him up.

Ten thousand years of-”

The fight stopped, both Kakashi and his opponent pausing to stare in shock as a screaming Haku flew out of his/her mirrors screaming and clutching his/her buttocks.

Orochimaru felt the air getting thin from the hight he flew from the Kyubi enhanced blow.

Oh yeah?!” Naruto screamed. “Well, I'll beat you with two fingers!” Five hundred clones appeared to distract Tsunade as the original snuck around towards her back.

Could combine with the idea of Kakashi being nicknamed Kancho Kakashi (fairly sure I stole it, not sure from where).

Run, we have no chance against him.”

He doesn't look like much.”

Silence you fool, do you know who that is? That's Naruto, last of the Uzumaki clan and greatest student of Kancho Kakashi.”

The man who violated a thousand nins?”

The very same.”

(May have seen this one before . . . may have used this one before, they all sort of run together after a while).

824. The Black Dog is often used to describe depression. Sirius' anamagus form radiates a cloud of depression that causes his enemies to falter and lose heart. Dementors think he's cuddly.

825. The guy in charge of implanting the Order 66 command screwed up. Instead of 'destroy the Jedi' he accidentally put in ________. I'm thinking he was planning his next vacation or something, Order 66 is sent out and all the clones decamp to a pleasure world.

826. The Minister treats the escape of Sirius Black the same way he treated Voldemort's resurrection.

Minister, what's your response to the dozens of witnesses that saw Sirius Black break into Hogwarts and kill one of the pets?”

Sirius Black is in his cell in Azkaban, Azkaban is escape proof! We've always been at war with Greenland!”

827. The Jedi decide to check the clones to see if they have any implanted commands or anything else that might be cause for concern.

828. The Rabid Dolphin. Not sure if it's the name of a ship or a bar or something else. Just like the sound of it.

829. Jor El evacuates a statistically significant percentage of the population into the Phantom Zone before Krypton explodes.

830. Something happens to convince the defenders of Shanxi that the best they can hope for is to be treated like prisoners of the Imperial Japanese during WWII. General Ashley orders scorched earth. Fight to the last bullet, die to the last man. Relief arrives to find most of the population dead.

Interview with Rule'Saefin vas Jaedir, human Representative to Council Space

"Thank you for agreeing to meet with me, Ambassador. I think the first question my viewers would like to know is why the humans chose a Quarian as their representative?"

"To start with, I am not an Ambassador or a representative for the Alliance. Better to think of me as the chief technician that keeps the hotline between the Citadel and Alliance government working. To answer your question, it was thought that appointing me would be seen as a direct insult to the Council in general and the Turian representative in particular. To the great joy of my adopted people, it was."

The Asari reporter took a few moments to digest the answer. "I see, do you mind telling us how you came to work for the humans?"

"I had the great fortune to be on the first Batarian ship stupid enough to try to raid a human colony. I don't know what happened, one moment I was in engineering and the next I was in a cell. The humans told us that we were to be tried for piracy and attempted blackbirding and that if found guilty, we'd be summarily thrown out the nearest airlock. There were two of us in the crew that weren't there willingly, myself and an Asari that had been brought along for 'crew recreation.' She's the one who saved us, I'd given up. Everyone knew what savages the humans were. They didn't surrender, they didn't take prisoners, they were more militaristic than the Krogans."

"How did she save you?"

"She told one of the guards that she'd enthusiastically service him and everyone else on the ship in return for being the last to be thrown out the airlock and that she wished to watch. Guess she figured she'd been defiled so many times that a few dozen more didn't matter. He called a few other guards and she was removed from the holding cell. Twenty minutes later they came for me."

"You must have been terrified."

"I was, I was also trying to decide if a suit breach would be a better death than being spaced. To my great surprise I was taken to the ship's hospital and given the best medical treatment they knew how to give an unfamiliar alien species, I was given food, I was asked if I needed psychological aid, I was treated with more kindness by savage monsters than I'd experienced from any other being outside my immediate family. The Asari, Holri T'lose, ended up marrying the guard she'd propositioned. Humans are an odd race. Befriend them and they'll see you as one of them and they'll die for you, they'll kill for you, they'll do anything they can for you and expect you to do the same for them. Make yourself their enemy and they won't rest until you and all like you are dead."

831. Fannon rituals breed true. Someone does a ritual to be stronger, their children and their children's children are stronger and so on. This is the source of goblins, house elves, giants, etc. The side effects are usually not apparent for several generations.

832. House Elf Torture.

Dobby walked into the room dressed in an ill fitting ball gown with two water balloons strapped to his chest and wearing a wig that looked to have been fashioned from an old mop. Ignoring his bound captive, the elf walked to the dining table and took a seat.

“Oh looks, no food. If only there were some good house elf to cooks for me.” He gave a dramatic sigh, wiping his brow. “Oh well, no house elf meens I's must doz it myselves.” The house elf walked over to the stove and began to work. “Oh noz, I haz dropped a big pot and made a dirty dirty mess. Too bad there is no good house elf to clean it up. Guess I will doz it myself.”

By this point, his captive's struggles were becoming frenzied.

Does bad elf want to talk to Dobby now, or does Dobby have to start cleaning this big mess hisself?” The elf flipped over the table. “Oh no, the mess just got bigger. Dobby thinks it would be a shame not to be able to clean it. Dobby can't even imagine how bad it would be to have to watch another elf clean it and not be able to help.”

833. House Elf p*rn, see the above scene.

Oh yeah,” Sneezy moaned. “Makes a mess, makes a big mess for Sneezy.”

834. A character with a Lorgnette. I think it's singular, but I'm not entirely sure.

835. Someone buys a Buckaroo Banzai costume from Ethan's Costume Shop.

836. Muggle Studies is deliberately horrible. It's taught by someone in the pocket of MI5 to make it easier for the security services to spot wizards and witches in the normal world.

837. Harry is the newborn that lived. Vernon mixes the babies up and can't remember which is which. Not sure Petunia is correct when she identifies them (assuming she knows) and both boys get treated pretty much the same.

838. The goblins are a space fairing species. Asteroid mining means metal is very cheap for them, something on Earth is quite valuable on the galactic market. The so called 'goblin rebellions' are one of the ways they keep the wizards convinced that they're on top and thus, keep them from looking too closely at Gringotts operations.

839. Sirius books a session with Madame Roxy, the most sad*stic dominatrix in Europe the night the Potters are murdered. Aurors find him the next morning, poor man's been tortured to within an inch of his life, signs of sexual abuse. He must have held out as long as he could. They tell him the fate of his best friends. Through the painkillers, they get enough to guess that Peter was the secret keeper. This explains the giant smile on his face when they found him, he hadn't broken despite being subjected to horrors that sicken the most hardened aurors. They all vow to keep silent about the indignities suffered by the man, this means it takes less then five minutes for one or more of them to sell the story to the Prophet. The Death Eaters are known as sexual deviants, Sirius is known as a hero that suffered too much, Madame Roxy may or may not get a regular customer, Peter has a warrant out for his arrest, and the world changes.

840. Mass Effect/Starship Troopers cross. By Starship Troopers, I mean the book. I want to see the reaction when power armored capper troopers drop from orbit and start flinging nukes around. I am a ten second bomb, I am a ten second bomb. In ten seconds, you will all be dead. I am a nine second bomb, I am a nine second bomb . . .

841. Taylor triggered when her mother died.

842. Harry wanders into a travel shop and finds out how cheap it is to sign someone up for a magical vacation. He uses that to get his relatives out of the way every summer, giving them a little theme vacation to thank them for all they've done for him. The first year, zombie apocalypse. Vernon and Petunia are traumatized. Dudley loved it, slow start but then he spent the rest of the time chasing freaks around and eating their brains.

(I'm fairly sure this came from a thread on CaerAzkaban several years ago)

843. He had a Quidditch Player's body, the kind you get when a magical device takes away most of the effort of burning off your six thousand calorie a day diet.

844. Vernon Dursley – Master Negotiator

You just have to know how to talk to people,” Vernon explained. “Take the lower orders, a firm word and they soon fall in line. Why just last week, mechanic wanted to charge me extra to change my spark plugs just cause I got a diesel engine in my car. Well, you know I wasn't going to let that stand. I explained to the blighter that he wasn't the only business in town and that if he gave me any more lip, I'd see to it that there was one less auto shop in town. Sorted him out right quick, bugger was so cowed that he offered me half off on blinker fluid changes for life.”

845. Read something in which the protagonist was named 'Dick Silver.' No, it was not a p*rn star name. I would like to see more unintentional p*rn star names used in fiction.

846. An inversion of dogbertcarroll's 'Storybook Hero.' The Dursleys are HUGE Disney fans. They know a orphaned hero when they see one and decide to see to it that he gets the proper background. In this case, the proper background includes dropping him off to his weekly fencing lessons with Dudley along with several other weekly lessons in between giving him the proper background. Need to make sure the boy knows how to use a sword etc. Can't just expect him to pick one up and be an expert without so much as a lesson, wouldn't be logical. Dudley goes along so he can either be a proper antagonist or so he can take care of himself after making a heel face turn. Dursleys are fairly open about what they're doing and why.

847. Voldemort's lack of a nose is because he found a ritual that shrank his nose and added a corresponding amount of length to his Johnson.

848. Second stage of the Chunin exam, two different scrolls are handed out. Someone screws up and everyone gets the same scroll. Failing that, three quarters of the scrolls handed out are the same scroll which cuts down the number of teams quite a bit.

849. The Gerbil summoning contract is one of the most sought after and feared.

The why can be because they're evil little bastards or it can be because they try to climb up your ass if you want to go the humor route.

850. Someone taking care of the wife/mother of another character out of the goodness of their heart.

Gee, Professor Oak, how come you're always the one who answers the phone when I call home?” Ash asked dumbly.

Well, Ash, your mother's gotten a bit lonely with you out of the house and she sometimes needs someone to help with things around the house.”

Is that why you said something about uncloging pipes when I called last week?”

It is indeed, Ash.”


Did you have another question?”

How come you were dressed in a gladiator costume when I called yesterday?”

We're practicing for a play.”

Oh.” The boy brightened. “When is it, maybe I can come home to see it.”

I'm afraid you'll be far too busy looking for pokemon on the other side of the continent any time soon. I'm sending the information to your pokedex now.”

Gee, thanks, Professor.”

851. Naruto's summons tries (and succeeds) to eat his opponents.

852. Harry gets thrown into Azkaban for some stupid cliche reason at the end of the school year. It's much better than his usual summers at the Dursley house. More and better food, less work, etc. Admittedly, the whole watching his parents die is a bit of a downer but then he realized that it was the only way he was going to hear their voices and so that put a whole new spin on things. As usual, he gets rescued towards the end of the summer when his innocence is proved and rather the angsty psychotic mess they expected, they find a well rested Harry who's lost much less weight than normal and is feeling pretty good about the whole thing. I would assume that everyone is waiting for the shoe to drop when the cheerful Harry starts interacting with the people who's evil, incompetence, etc got him thrown into prison. Harry on the other hand is hoping his next summer is half as good and/or plotting to get thrown back into prison.

I get the feeling that I may have done/seen this at some point, could be wrong.

853. Violence solves everything.

Whomever said that violence never solved anything was an idiot.”

Oh yeah?”

Yeah. For example, what's your biggest problem right now?”

Well, the ice in my drink is melting and watering down my drink.”

BAM – Bullet to the knee.

Problem solved.”

Arrg, you just shot me!”

But melting ice is no longer your biggest problem, is it? You're welcome.”

854. Harry gets on the wrong train. It still takes him to school, but not Hogwarts. Auror Academy? Unspeakable Training? SOE “I thought you guys disbanded after the war.” “Yes, that's exactly what we wanted everyone to think.” How long it takes them to fix things is up to the story. Could be a fun way to bring in the fourth school.

Wait, there's another name coming out of it.”

Harry Potter for . . .”

If this is after things have been resolved, Harry's happy to see the friends he made in his short time at the other school.

855. Dragon Heartstring is the marketing term for Dragon Polyps or Hemorrhoids. Charlie is basically a dragon proctologist.

856. An experienced smuggler, Han Solo comes back into normal space far enough out that he's easily able to evade the fighters sent out by the Death Star.

857. Nymphadora Tonks takes after her cousin. By takes after her cousin, I mean the deviant Lothario Sirius Black I often write. Time to break out the tentacle monster morph.

858. Using time travel to defeat your foes.

I went back and switched out his grandfather with Al Bundy.”

859. Sirius uses his family to pick up girls.

Hey, baby. Those robes look expensive, even if you got them on sale. Come to my place and all robes are one hundred percent off.”

Do you know who I am?”

The most beautiful girl in the room,” Sirius answered instantly.

A Veela.” She waited for him to recoil in horror, confusing her when she didn't. “You are a Black, aren't you?”

The black sheep,” Sirius agreed. “You know how angry it would make my mother to have her disappointment of a son to be seen publicly with a Veela he's shagging every chance he gets? How about it? Want to enrage one of the biggest bigots in the country?”

860. Half the people who work in science labs in comic verses have superpowers of some sort. Rather than putting on spandex and punching people in the face, most of them get on with their lives. Scene I envisioned was a group of clueless thugs trying to put the muscle on a research lab (trying to force them to make meth or something) getting curb stomped by the staff who then goes back to their normal business.

861. Fun with language. I enjoy writing things in a way that the meaning is very different if you know the language. Some of the fake names Naruto used in one of my omake were very amusing to anyone who knows Japanese for example. Perkele!

Make way for your betters, wog,” the rude student sneered.

But of course mes très petit godemiché,” Fleur replied. “Manger de la merde.”

862. Myrtle wore glasses. She's not dead, she's just having a multi-decade out of body experience. Her body is still petrified and stored somewhere in Hogwarts. Room of Requirements?

863. A Draco Malfoy story inspired by the Flashman novels.

I think that it was about that time that Dumbledore's golden boy began having carnal relations with my mother. Least that was the time he made sure I was aware of it. I made a show of it, much gnashing of teeth and what not for the idiot's entertainment while privately congratulating the old girl on finding a new source of fun that wasn't a drain on the much reduced Malfoy fortune. Professionals cost money, enthusiastic amateurs were free and putty in the old girl's hands, which resulted in more than one business deal falling into our laps.

864. More fics dealing with aspects of the first rise.

He'd been fifteen when they came. A half trained school boy against four of the Dark Lord's own, it was a miracle that he survived, a pity he hadn't been able to save his family but miracles rarely come in pairs.

The first Auror on scene had been old school, threatened to arrest him for the murder of four upstanding purebloods and had promised cheerfully that the least he had to look forward to was a snapped wand and a wiped mind. Bastard had added that he'd be helpless when their family members came for a well deserved revenge. The second through fifth Aurors on scene had been much more sympathetic.

The last two years of school passed in a flash but he took full advantage of all the teachers and library had to offer. He'd promised himself that night that he'd never be helpless again, he'd done his best to fulfill that promise.

Auror training had been pathetic, the force had lowered their training standards about the same time they'd lowered their admission standards. Muggleborn were welcomed, given six months of training, and handed off to a more experienced Auror for field training. A year later, if they survived, and they were given a trainee of their own.

He'd been one of the lucky ones, top of his class he'd been given his choice of senior partner and he'd been sure to choose the first Auror that had responded to the attack on his family. The man, a thirty year veteran of the force, had not survived the week. Hit by a dark curse, he'd died an extremely painful death. Pity that.

865. Harry Potter – Master of Death, Setsuna – Sailor Pluto. Gotta be something to work with there.

866. To go with the above, the Dark General Dolemite? Or possibly someone's alter ego.

He was the head of a small nation, one of the few not part of the empire.”

Why not?”

Cause he bitch slapped the queen when she tried to annex it. I'd hoped that time and the fall of civilization had seen to him, I was wrong.”

867. Was reading dogbertcarroll's foxy lady and he had a throw away line about wondering what unicorn horns were for since they linked to hang around virgins. So, Unicorn Horns are Phallic. Really Phallic.

868. A gamer fic that's buggy. Throw in all the stuff you remember like; getting stuck in walls, walking a foot above the ground, etc.

(Okay, I've seen this Michael Suave did it).

869. Hagrid's Father – guy must have been something to have jumped a giant.

870. Orochimaru mentioned his desire to do horrifically unethical human experimentation and his routed into T&I. He's known as one of the village's greatest strengths.

871. When one considers the Black family's propensity for naming their children after stars, it is more than a bit surprising that there aren't more crossovers with Beetlejuice. Yes, I know it's spelled 'Betelgeuse,' Hollywood does not.

872. A conversation I once had seems like it could be used in a fic. I was explaining to someone that size and strength weren't all that mattered in a fight.

Would you bite off a man's testicl*s to win a fight?”


Do you think Billy would?”


Still want to fight him?”

As it happened, he decided that he did not wish to fight the other party.

873. Goblins will do anything for a scandalously small amount of money. Anything.

So you want me to have sex with your cousin?”

Yup, and to make sure his parents get photos and recordings of it. Oh, and tell them you're pregnant with their grandchild.”

You do know that I am male, do you not?”

They don't.”

f*ck it, for fifteen galleons I'll be whatever you want me to be.”

873. “There's only one thing we can do now. Have a montage.”

874. People taking logical advantage of the fact that they're forced cook for their enemies.

Harry smiled as his relatives finished their meal. “I hope you enjoyed that because it was the last meal I'll ever cook for you.” He paused dramatically. “Because I poisoned it! Dun dun daaaa!”

Or just used the drought of living death to get through the summer or something. Yes, I've done it, but it really doesn't get used enough.

875. The Ministry somehow finds out that Dumbledore thinks the power of love will defeat Voldemort. It then proceeds to find a partner for Harry with all the efficiency and intelligence governments normally do things.

Come to bed for some Ministry approved sex.”

876. An insane house elf being sent to live with baby Harry. Yes, I have done this, but it's worth doing again.

Sirius, I refuse to let that creature anywhere near Harry!” Lily screamed. “The only way that . . . that thing is ever going to take care of my son is over my dead body!”

But, Lily, it took me days to find an elf as experienced as Smutty,” Sirius whined. “I wasn't even that drunk for about half of them.”

Where in the hell did you find that perverted thing? A brothel?”

p*rno shop actually. You see, Smutty lost his job at the brothel because-”

I don't care!” Lily interrupted. “How could you even think that . . . that . . . that brothel elf should be allowed to take care of my son.”

p*rn shop elf, technically. Well you see, when I thought about how confused I was by witches when I was growing up, I decided that no godson of mine would ever be similarly confused. So I hired a tutor,” he finished proudly. “Feel free to lavish me with praise for my brilliant idea . . . now.”

877. Lothario Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Possibly going with the above.

878. Slytherins are exempt from rules against cheating, they're expected to cheat. It's in the school charter. This gets discovered and Slytherins begin hiring themselves out to cheat on others behalf. People figure the reverse logic, cheating on behalf of a Slytherin gets them in trouble. Idea was for Harry to find out why the Slytherin Quidditch team could blatantly cheat without getting called out and then obviously cheat on their behalf to get them punished or something.

879. House elves are modified garden gnomes.

880. Harry asks Dobby to 'protect' his family the same way that Dobby 'protected' him. The Dursley family has a very bad summer.

881. The stupid creature blood cliché played for laughs.

It's true, Professor Umbridge,” he sighed. “I am part creature.”

The other students gasped on cue.

Part giant.” He parted his robes. “As you can see.”

882. Harry sent to Azkaban, sort of.

The Minister smiled widely as he finished his speech. “And to you, Draco Malfoy, I award the Order of Merlin first class for your work in capturing Harry Potter, the insane menace to society, and Sirius Black, the monster of monstrousness.”

Thank you, Minister,” the boy said grandly. “It was only my duty as a citizen.”

What are you planning to do now?”

My family is going to drain our accounts and retire from public life,” the boy replied. Harry made a mental note to thank Luna again for combining everlasting gobstoppers and polyjuice to make the effects of the potion last months, possibly even years. Imagine Draco just volunteering his family to test them by attempting to let a group of killers into a school.

Come on, kid, those veela aren't going to oil themselves up.”

But they might oil each other up,” he replied to 'his father.'

Right, and we don't want to miss it.”

Someone figures out a way to make polyjuice potion long lasting, they and their allies switch places with all the rich death eaters, bad guys are sent to prison by a corrupt Ministry that thinks it was sending the good guys to prison, ???, profit.

883. How to turn your post owl into a killing machine. Yes, I kinda used it, it's still worth using again. Been thinking about writing a fic in which Hedwig is the ultimate badass that solves every problem using her powers of violence and possibly fire balls.

The goblin smiled nastily. “If you don't have your key, then I'm afraid-” Harry never did get to find out how the sentence was supposed to end for it was at that moment that Hedwig, incensed by the goblin's tone, launched herself off his shoulder.

ARRRRRRGGGGG!” the goblin screamed, understandably since Hedwig had a talon in each of his eyes.

Nearby, the floor manager sighed. Kids today, no work ethic, shirk their duties just because an enraged owl is gouging out their eyes. His subordinate's scream intensified. Emasculation on the other hand, her lips pursed, she supposed she'd give him fifteen minutes to recover before docking his pay for non-performance.

Yer see, 'arrie, I tol yeh post owls were dead useful,” Hagrid said proudly. “Good thing we got 'er first, eh?”

884. Dumbledore hires defense professors that might be a danger to students to give the students experience dealing with them. They're lessons not teachers.

Let me see, do I know any vampires that would be willing to come to Hogwarts for a year?”

There is no curse, it's all students taking them out. Harry's gotten the last few, but several of the older students have decided that they're going to get the next one.

885. To go with the above, Snape was hired for a similar reason.

What did you think I hired him for? To teach potions?” Dumbledore laughed. “This is Hogwarts, if you need a potion after you graduate, just buy it from a tradesman. I hired him to motivate students to find a way to poison him.” The old man's eyes twinkled. “Poisoning is too useful a skill not to have and I wanted to be sure to give the students a challenge.”

886. Ranma fell into the spring of drowned 70's Blaxploitation star.

887. A Cobra-Squirrel hybrid seems like something Hagrid would breed. Idea came from a book I read, 'Two Necromancers, a Dwarf, and a Sky City.'

888. The reason Dumbledore has a beard.

The reason I wear a beard?” Dumbledore's eyebrows went up. “Well, I was cleanshaven when I was a young man but the wrinkles started getting in the way as I got older so I went to the barber and asked him if he knew a solution. So the barber handed me a little wooden ball and told me to put it in my cheek, this stretched out the skin resulting in the closest shave I'd ever had. Naturally I was quite pleased, but a thought occurred to me as I was walking out; what if I had swallowed the ball? Well, I put the question to the barber and he replied that all I'd have to do is wait a couple days and then bring it back like everyone else did. That, Harry, is when I lost my taste for shaving and started using lemon drops.” The old man popped one into his mouth. “It was too difficult to get a steady supply of bleach flavored jellybeans.”

889. A power that lets you give people visions of an alternate future timeline. Think how useful it could be, you're waiting in line at the DMV and you give the person in front of you the vision of a future in which you torture them to death for being chatty. They obviously decide it was their imagination and that they want to get out of the way. That doesn't happen, they get more visions.

890. The Dursley's Vicar asks why their nephew doesn't attend services.

My thought was that they tell him it's because the boys parents were catholic. The Vicar just happens to be friends with the local catholic priest leading to a Father Ted cross. Couldn't get anything past the concept in my mind, could be used in a number of different ways.

His parents were pagans,” Vernon said, trying to look uncomfortable. “We didn't want to try to force the lad to convert, but we also didn't know how to go about finding the right group.”

Or something similar.

891. Most muggleborn go to Atlantis shortly after graduation. Atlantis is a utopia where all are equal, it has magical technology far beyond what can be found anywhere else. Purebloods ignore and avoid it because it's full of mudbloods, also seen as a bit of a tourist trap.

892. Harry Potter and the Adult.

A young Harry Potter in a cliché Dumbledore is hiding abuse world meets an actual adult. Said adult is not amused by how a young child is treated, goes to police, it goes nowhere so things are handled the traditional way. Harry Potter and the Construction Workers, Harry Potter and the Biker Gang, Harry Potter and the Football Hooligans, Harry Potter and the Coal Miners, Harry Potter an the Ex-Squaddie Next Door, etc.

Vernon stormed towards the door intent on telling whomever was pounding on it exactly what he thought of freaks who disturbed decent folks. The fat man threw the door open and ran into a fist. The first fist was followed by several more and Vernon would later dimly remember someone telling him that they disapproved of how he was raising his unwanted nephew, said someone punctuated their statement with their boots. It was not a good day to be Vernon Dursley.

Or, Harry Potter and All of the Above because Vernon is a slow learner and people keep getting their minds wiped. Could have a rotating group; They stomp Vernon, get their minds wiped, next group finds out, etc. until it's back to the first group.

893. Petunia has a wine of the day club membership. A new bottle every morning at ten. Alternately, the milkman runs a side business for suburban housewives.

894. Konoha seems to have an issue with people turning traitor after being passed over to be Hokage. Seems as if they could have weeded those individuals out earlier or resorted to the same method used by the Ottoman Turkish Empire.

895. Wizard countries have the same borders as their non-magical counterparts for some stupid wizard reason, no logic in it at all.

896. McGonagall has a hollow tooth that dispenses a constant stream of whiskey. She's part of the reason for the 'angel's share.'

897. To go with the above, all the professors at Hogwarts are on something. Snape with his potions, Sprout with her plants, Hagrid with his suspicious toads, etc.

898. Hagrid vomits on goblins every time he's taken to a vault. The carts get a second speed.

899. Sirius Black is a trained horologist. He was both surprised and disappointed to learn that a horologist is not what he thought it was.

900. The Potters had a backup plan. Wards come down, they pile into an elevator, Tom comes into the house, house explodes, Potters are safe in their bomb shelter/escape tunnel.

901. “The name's Buck Dich,”

Harry introduced himself as he got on the bus.

Luna said brightly.

Odysessus shouted as his ship left the island.

902. Kyuubi is adept at finding any information or image you want, mostly just finds p*rn. Trying to make a firefox reference, fell flat. Hmmm, Kyubi the degenerate shut in? He arranged to be sealed so he'd have more time for p*rn and games? He spends half his time as a forum troll?

903. Snape's behavior is ignored because none of the complaints against him are submitted in the proper format. In Olde English, accompanied by a song and dance number. Or some other idiotic way.

904. “Stick your dick in crazy. It's the best.” That piece of advice was how Ranma ended up with Kodachi, Genma with Nodoka, Harry with Luna, James with Lily, Anyone with Bellatrix, etc.

905. The Buggering Badger(s) – is it a pub? A sports team? I don't know but I would like to find out. (Or maybe I wouldn't on second thought).

906. Al Bundy's time in Vietnam. He's got a reputation for fearlessness since he has the redhead and a shoe store to go back to. He's one of the few men disappointed by the end of the war.

907. Once read a history about a British officer in Africa, he was sent to 'chastise' a local tribe after they killed a colonist. The way in which the man was killed is as followed; he was staked down, all the women in the tribe relieved themselves on his face until he drowned in a literal world of sh*t. This isn't necessarily something I'd like to see, come to think of it it's something I hope to never see, but it might have a place in a story.

908. Harry Potter, the obvious stereotype. Harry grew up (wherever) and became an obvious stereotype of said place. Had thought to do Harry Potter who grew up in Texas which is somehow stuck in the 1800s like a lot of films of Europe are stuck in the 1950s. Shows up in an eleven gallon hat, his wand is so large to be almost unusable because everything's bigger in Texas. He of course uses his Texas based abilities to repeatedly defeat all foes in his path and trample anyone who tries to reign him in. Maybe throw in a bit of singing cowboy?

(I admit that I have done this)

909. The Burning Incontinence Hex – I can't believe I haven't used this more often, considering how juvenile my sense of humor can be.


910. The Philosopher's Stone does not allow one to turn lead into gold. It only allows the creation of the elixir of life, which can then be sold for obscene amounts of money. Person who said it could create gold was being poetic.

911. Harry's relatives are killed in an accident or otherwise found to be unsuitable a few years after he was dropped on their doorstep forcing Dumbledore to have to find alternate living arrangements for Harry.

Dumbledore stroked his beard, deep in thought. The deaths of the Dursley family only a few short years after he'd entrusted them with the task of raising and protecting the boy who lived was a severe blow to his plans. The father from a heart attack while eating a hotdog, the son choking on the hotdog he'd stolen from his dying father, the mother from antagonizing a group of angry badgers. Worse, to have it all happen in one day? He'd have suspected the work of dark forces if not for a very through investigation.

The old man shook it off as unimportant. Harry was the important thing. This brought a smile to the old man's face, it wasn't often that one so young had such a mature view of life and death. Upon being told of the deaths of his relatives, he'd simply smiled and said 'they're dead and I'm still here.' Lad had then broken into a spontaneous song and dance number in an attempt to cheer up the bearers of bad news. It warmed an old man's heart to know that in what had been one of the boy's darkest moments, his first instinct was to raise the spirits of others. The world could learn a lot from Harry Potter.

Albus.” His deputy's voice drew him from his thoughts.

Yes, Minerva?”

We believe we may have found some relatives on his mother's side.” The old woman took a moment to collect her thoughts. “It turns out that Lily's mother was from the continent, a war bride from a small nation called.” She checked her notes. “Drusselstein.”

I'm familiar with it,” Dumbledore said, trying to keep the distaste out of his voice.

Yes, well.” Minerva checked her notes. “His great uncle has since passed, but his remaining three relatives have since emigrated to America.”

Oh?” Dumbledore perked up. Much better. “Have you found out any information on them?”

He has a great aunt by marriage, and two cousins. The older cousin is a scientist of some sort while the younger is an aspiring politician.”

A politician?” this time Dumbledore did not try to hide his distaste. “Do we know anything more about the older cousin?”

Just that he's newly married,” Minerva stated.

We'll do some checking, but he seems like the most reasonable choice. Where exactly in America do they live?”

Some place called the TriState Area.”

AN: Been trying to think up more than the above scene and failing. Time line is mid to late 80s. Harry's cousin Heinz is newly married and just starting to plot his takeover of the TRISTATE AREA! Harry spends several years of his childhood growing up with one of the nicest evil villains in cartoon fiction. He gets a little cousin/sister named Vanessa, he has to live through his adopted parents relatively amicable divorce. Not really sure how this would go, kinda want to see the evil scientist take the gloves off and curb stomp the death eaters but I don't know that would be good writing. Wrote the above scene and got stuck so I'm tossing it into the world.


912. Someone's wand is a pimp cane. (Yes, I've no doubt mentioned this before).

Longbottom, Neville,” the Deputy Headmistress called out.

The hall went silent as the first year swaggered towards the hat with an arrogant smirk on his face.

913. A character named Rhaphanidosis.

914. Harry named Hedwig after Hedy Lamarr, either the actress or the character on Blazing Saddles.

915. Muggleborn start reading the muggle studies book and doing the odd things in it to screw with purebloods.

Hermione took a long draft off her mug. “Ah, that really hits the spot.”

Uh, Hermione, is that a skull?” Ron asked nervously.

Sure is,” Hermione chirped. “You don't know how embarrassed my parents were that I didn't have a skull from a fallen enemy to drink out of. Well, they took me to France this summer and I was finally able to remove that shame.” Hermione took another drink. “Do wizards transfigure them into cups? I haven't noticed anyone else with a skull.”

Leading to:

Hermione yelled for her best friend .“Harry! Ron doesn't have a skull to drink out of.”

At his age?” Harry asked in horror. “Don't worry, buddy, we'll sneak out next week and we'll fix that.”

The muggleborn in the common room shot Ron looks of sympathy and immediately offered to join the raiding party, the purebloods eyed the door and calculated their chances of getting out without being noticed.

916. Lucius put the Malfoy Manor and most of his business interests in Dobby's name for tax purposes.

917. Sirius had a spare wand.

It's a good thing I had a spare wand concealed about my person, or I'd have been stuck in Azkaban and you'd still be with the Dursleys.”

Harry shuddered. He'd had the misfortune of meeting his relatives, the fact that he didn't remember any of the week he'd lived with them was a minor blessing. “Wait, isn't it policy to strip search anyone that gets arrested?”

Sure is,” Sirius agreed.

And . . . and isn't your wand fifteen inches long?”


So then how did you-”

Harry,” he cut his godson off. “We'd just come out of the seventies. Are you sure you want to know more?”

Harry considered the question. “So, what were you thinking of for lunch?” And promptly decided to change the subject.

918. Obliviation works by creating an Occlumency shield around the memory, blocking it off from the rest of your mind. Someone sufficiently skilled with the charm can make it appear to be a memory being intentionally hidden, drawing the attention and interest of a mind reader. Put a sufficiently disgusting memory in there and you've got a quick and dirty mind protection. You just have to draw the mind reader to that memory first, by making it appear to be the most important. Got the idea from one of Dogbertcarroll's fics in which attempting to access a computer file brought up two girls with insufficient amounts of tableware.

919. A young Draco is sent to live with his cousins in Philadelphia, the McPoyles.

920. Mass Effect crossed with the Kerbil Space Program. Humanity meets the Kerbils before they encounter the Council Races. The Turian invasion meets resistance from at least two races.

921. The cliché story in which several girls from dark families become someone's harem.

And now you have a harem?” Ron growled. “You get everything!”

Not him, Mr. Weasley, you.”

Me?” Ron said dumbly.

Oh thank god,” Harry sighed in relief.

What?” Ron was obviously having trouble comprehending the situation. “But . . . but I'm the jealous sidekick. Are you sure there hasn't been some sort of mistake?”

You always get everything,” Harry said cheerfully. “Did I do that right? It's my first time getting to be the jealous sidekick.”

More anger, mate,” Ron whispered.

Don't tell me how to do my job you red headed pillock!”


922. Everything said about other wizarding nations is as accurate as Arthur Weasley talking about normal stuff. Seems like a good way to get around all the dreck JK spews out.

923. The Lord Potter-Black taken to the logical conclusion.

“Well, Lord Potter-Black-Simms-Cartwright-Smith-Evans- . . . Three Hours Later . . . -Steel-Trent-Stoke-Stoat-Sloat. We meet again.”

Uh . . .”

You got more family names didn't you?”

Only a couple dozen this time.”

Damn it! Do I have to start from the top or can I just tack them onto the end?”

924. More Sorting Hat . . . and cowbell.

Hmm, interesting,” the hat mumbled.

You think you can pull it off?”

You think you can get the spells right?”

No problem.”

Everyone stared in horrified shock as the sorting hat contorted and then contracted in a horrifying wet crunch. The headless body of the student slumped bonelessly in the chair, disappearing into the hat moments later as the item of clothing finished its meal. Not even a spot of blood remained.

In gods name, what was that?!” Dumbledore demanded.

I get to eat a student every thousand years,” the hat replied. “That's the deal Godrick made when he created me.”

Only one?”

That's what I said.”

Were you telling the truth?”

Maybe two, but I'd hardly eat two in the same century. Well, unless one looked particularly tasty, but what are the odds of that happening?”

Invisible? Illusion? Hiding inside the hat? Time Traveler?

925. The Ministry declared the Potter House a national monument – meaning it was repaired and restored at government expense and is maintained at government expense. Harry still owns it but all bills are taken care of at government expense even when he lives in it. The Ministry treats the heroics of the Potter family with respect.

926. Harry's Godmother is someone more original than Alice Longbottom, or Amelia Bones, or McGonagall.

Your Godmum?” Sirius asked. “What about her?”

Who was she?”

Remus' wife.”

Remus is married?”

Yeah. Got married shortly before you were born.”

Why didn't she take care of me when you weren't available?”

Well, we didn't really have any way of contacting her for one thing. You see, Harry, we all went to Thailand for a couple weeks for a bit of relaxation and we got Remus really drunk and he ended up married to a . . . do you know what a ladyboy is, Harry?”

I think so,” Harry replied, hoping he was wrong.

Good. Well, Remus ended up getting married to a ladyboy hooker and we made her your godmum.”

Did my mother know?”

Know?” Sirius roared with laughter. “Who do you think came up with the idea? Your mum had a hell of a sense of humor. She needed it to hang out with us.”

But I thought-”

She hid it from the professors and everyone else is lying to you. Don't get me wrong, she was a wonderful woman, but she was also crude as hell sometimes, sense of humor was that of a fifteen year old boy. Man I miss her.”

927. An book, purportedly written by Lucius Malfoy or some other death eater, is written telling what it was like to be under the control of a madman and exposing the madman's secrets. It states that Voldemort is really Tom Riddle, talks about his mother, dismisses the idea that his father was actually a muggle. Likely Dumbledore or some other powerful wizard toyed with and then abandoned her and she was trying to emulate a cuckoo bird by marring Tom Riddle and the fact that he was able to break free shows how weak she is (which is used as evidence that it must have been a powerful wizard. States that Tom had a mummy fetish, etc. It paints a giant target on Lucius' (or whomever's) back, it angers Volde, it informs the public of every salacious detail.

928. Arthur Weasley is competent, he acts otherwise to torment the kids.

929. Voldemort wins, muggles are tortured and enslaved, Vernon pulls a Peggy Sue and wakes up the first day of Smeltings. I'd write this as a Vernon triumphant fic. He knows he needs to prepare, he goes through school and wrangles a spot at Sandhurst. Petunia introduces her fiance, Vernon the career military officer.

Let me begin by saying I hate your kind,” Vernon stated calmly to his sister in law. “That out of the way, you're family. More importantly, you're one of the Queen's subjects whom I am sworn to protect.”

His professional opinion is given on how to harden their house, to never be without a weapon, to always have a way out, and to trust no one. He's eventually recruited into a section of the government that deals with magicals. Decades later, he retires to a quiet happy life never having had to take in his freak of a nephew. Vernon never stops hating magic, possibly hates it more after having to clean up after the bastards for a good portion of his career. His son follows him to Smeltings and is never introduced to his aunt or cousin and lives a normal life ignorant of magic.

930. For whatever reason, Harry does not want to attend Hogwarts. Thinking there's a school with year round boarding so he never has to return to the Dursleys or something. In order to create a diversion, he pays Dudley a large sum of money to impersonate him with Polyjuice for the first few weeks/months/whatever of class. Dumbledore notes that 'Harry' shows an inordinate amount of attention to the feasts. Not sure where Harry gets sorted, Gryfindore works if one's doing a manipulative Dumbledore or if the hat just sorts certain families into the same house or something. As for Magic? Either 'Harry' can't do magic, 'Harry' can do magic due to being polyjuiced as a magical, or 'Harry' has magic and the Dursleys turned down the letter.

931. Using threats to make instructors instruct.

Teach me a new jutsu, Kakashi-sensei!” Naruto bellowed.

Now, now, Naruto. I told you, we'll get to that after we master teamwork.”


You'll just have to . . . what?”

I said okay,” Naruto said cheerfully. “After all, I almost have enough to hire Gai for a mission.”

Kakashi grinned. “None of the ninja in the village are going to agree to teach a genin without their instructor's knowledge and permission, Naruto.”

I'm not going to have him teach me, Kakashi-sensei.”

Then . . . what?”

Seduction mission.”

Sed-” Kakashi mustered up every bit of his will to prevent his mouth from being flooded with bile. “Who?”

You, Kakashi-sensei!”

What? Why?”

I thought you might need something to occupy your time since you have so much free time from not teaching us anything.” Naruto's smile deepened. “Wouldn't want you to get bored, Kakashi-sensei.”

Seduction missions can be refused,” Kakashi said, sounding desperate. “There's no way Gai will agree to it.”

He's quite excited to get the chance to.” Naruto cleared his throat. “Fill you with his throbbing youth, Kakashi-sensei. That's a direct quote by the way.”

Kakashi shuddered. “So what jutsu would you guys like to learn first? You know what? Why don't you each make a list. I'm going to be spending all my time teaching you kids so I won't have any time to do anything else. Is that alright, Naruto?”

I suppose, Kakashi-sensei,” the boy said slowly. “Let me know if you change your mind.”

I won't!” Kakashi said quickly.

But if you do, a good way to let us know would be to stop teaching us cool jutsu and other awesome ninja stuff. So you know, Kakashi-sensei, and you know what will happen if you do.”

932. “Size. Matters. Not.” Luke focused for an instant causing the second Death Star to break orbit and tumble into the sun.

933. People carry emergency portkeys. Those portkeys are activated by common and easily remembered words and phrases meaning they go off accidentally all the time.

934. Yoda isn't just a house elf, he's Dobby. Episode one (or earlier) retold from that perspective.

935. Dozens, perhaps hundreds of thousands of Kryptonians escaped to earth. Normal people, the salt of the earth, you know . . . morons.

I escaped from a dying planet only to get stuck on earth selling women's shoes,” Al of Krypton lamented. “Worse, my family escaped with me. I knew I should have never gotten onto that damned ship.”

936. Harry figures out how to use the connection with Voldemort as kind of a Corsican Brothers thing. Any pain Harry experiences is transferred to Voldemort.

Harry grinned as he stuck his finger in the light socket, time to fry, Tom. Little did he know that the phrase 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger' was quite literal when it came to wizards. It took two weeks before Harry was immune to all forms of electricity, that's when he started exploiting the possibilities that the stove offered.

Cue shounen martial arts insane training methods that kind of work. Was thinking this was Dudley's idea.


So I'll swing this boulder towards you and you try to find the breaking point,” Harry's cousin stated. “Ready?”

We tie these steaks to you and throw you into the lion exhibit.”

We'll tie your hands to the back of the train to encourage you to run faster.”

937. Tsunade reveals that the massive size of her bust is due to her mastery of chakra control and medical techniques. Adds that men would get a similar size boost is they achieved anything close to her level. Is told that they don't want to have tit* like hers. She clarifies that it would give them massive johnsons. There's a sudden desire to become medic nin. Tsunade remarks that the village shortage of medic nin should be solved.

938. Even more time travel.

The thing Luna's mother was working on when she was killed was time travel. Luna perfects it but three people are needed for some stupid contrived reason. Let's say Hermione is the third. Each one has something they want fixed in the past, Hermione never mentions what hers is. Hermione is first, they go back to a year before they start Hogwarts. She politely excuses herself and returns. They go back to prevent Luna's mother's death, Hermione politely excuses herself after they succeed and returns. They save Harry's parents from Voldemort (Hermione again excuses herself), maybe one more thing, saving Sirius' brother? Upon Hermione's return she asks why they didn't just do that first and work from there rather than undoing all the work they'd done on the previous jump.

Do you think we have sixteen to eighteen months to go over paradox and advanced magical theory?”


Because magic. We need to work back in time fixing things and then reality will snap back and incorporate all the changes we've made.”

All of them?” Hermione asked nervously.

Every one of them,” Luna agreed. “If my theory is correct, we'll merge with our alternate selves, double our reserves of magical power, and get another set of memories.” Or words to that effect.

Is there a way to prevent some of the changes we've already made?”

Not unless you think we can spend another twenty or so years of research and even then we might not figure it out.”

Oh . . . um . . .”

What were you doing all those times you disappeared?” Harry asked suspiciously.

Well, you see, I always wanted a sibling-”

So you've been dosing your parents with fertility potions?”

And putting wards on the house and charming them.”

Every time?”

Every time,” Hermione agreed weakly.

You're going to have a bigger family than Ron.”


Did you get our families too?” Luna asked suspiciously.

Not intentionally.”

939. Harry goes with Sirius when Sirius escapes to a tropical island.

Do you know who I am?” Sirius demanded.

I do not care who you are!” the gorgeous veela replied. “Secret clothing optional veela island is by invitation only. The only way you can get in is if . . . holy sh*t! Harry Potter.”

Yes?” Harry asked.

I'm sorry for the rudeness, Mr. Potter, you are of course welcome to come in.”

Thanks?” Harry glanced at his godfather.

Do you wish me to summon the guards to have this thing escorted away?” She eyed Sirius with undisguised contempt.

He's my godfather.”

I see. Well, I suppose we could allow him to enter if he promises to behave himself.”

I promise!” Sirius cheered.

Good. By the way, that counts as an unbreakable vow. Your testicl*s will fall off if you break it.”


Come along, Mr. Potter, we'll welcome you with a bout of traditional veela oil wrestling.”

What was that about my testicl*s?”

940. More fun with Tonks.

Vernon watched in horror as the tart's features melted into his own.

Here's what's going to happen.” It was disconcerting hearing his voice come out of his face. “Either Harry's treatment is going to meet my standards, or I'm going to dress up like a cheap prostitute looking like this, I'm going to find an undercover police officer, I'm going to solicit him, and I'm going to assault him when he tries to arrest me. Do you understand?”

You can't,” Vernon gasped.

I can. I'm also going to be sure to drop something that would bring them here. Harry says you pride yourself on your nice normal life. What do you think would happen to it if I carried out my threat?”

We'll treat the boy better,” Vernon promised.

You'll treat him like a king or I'll see your life destroyed.

941. The Clothing Optional Island of Veela

James, you know I love you like a brother, but I just can't turn this down,” Sirius whined. “I'd normally be happy to stay here to fight the dark lord and likely get killed in a horribly painful way . . . but . . . but veela.”

I can't believe you, Sirius, you pig” Lily said scornfully, everything about her showing contempt. “I-”

Almost forgot,” Sirius interrupted. “Sorry, Lils, I have an invitation for you too.”

Wa hoo!” Lily cheered. “Veela here we come!”

Lils?” James exclaimed in shock.

It says I can have a plus one.”

Wa hoo!” James cheered.

Peter will be so happy to go after all the horrid things you two have been responsible for.”

You're right,” Sirius agreed. “I was going to give him my plus one, but I guess it'll have to be Mooney.”

I hate you both so much right now.”

Okay, it was really perverted deviant Lily I wanted to see more of. Too many people write her as a saint.

942. Harry finds a pensive filled with his parent's memories. He immediately regrets is.

So,” Harry watched his father say with a grin. “Why don't you show me why they call you the Head Girl.”

I thought you'd never ask,” his mother replied with a matching grin. Seventies era music filled the memory as his mum dropped to his knees and-

Basically, Harry finds his parents' collection of sex tapes. Kinda goes with the above, James and Lily are human, not saints. He doesn't know what to do, does he throw them out? What if there's a non sex memory mixed in? Leading to.

You want me to sort through what?” Hermione asked flatly.

Sort through my parents' memories to see if there's any that aren't . . . uh . . .”

You want me to go through your parents' sex tapes. I can't believe you, Harry.”

I'd do the same for you.” The girl's eyes flashed dangerously. “That wasn't the right thing to say, was it?”

It was not,” she said icily.

Please, there's no one else I can ask.”

What about Ron?”

Would you want Ron going through your parents' sex tapes?”

A point,” she conceded.

943. One of Lily's friends decides to do the right thing and notify her sister Petunia of her death. The arrival of a magical and the promise that more will come to check up on young Harry causes the boy to either get handed off or to get much better treatment.

944. Bellatrix Black on the eve of joining the Dark Lord ends up in the muggle world, likely to kill or torture someone, and wanders into a school of dentistry. Her desire was always to torture muggles, never in her wildest dreams did she believe she could get them to pay her for the privilege. It's Bella, Bella, Bella of the BDA.

945. Insane immoral doctors.

Albus, get over here and give me two pints of blood,” Pomfrey ordered.

Of course.” The old wizard hastened to comply. He watched as the woman began drawing blood. “This is going to help you save Harry?”

Save Harry? No, this is because you said there wasn't enough room in the budget for my bonus this year. Vampires pay top dollar for fresh blood.”

946. After hearing about someone getting caught with drugs and being sent away forever, Harry's accidental magic keeps causing massive amounts of narcotics to appear around the Dursleys.

Vernon reached into his pocket, sighed, and pulled out several small bags of cocaine before locating his car keys.

Could also be a start of Vernon the drug dealer that may or may not be protected by wards/Dumbledore from the police and other dealers.

947. Fiendfyre Bombs.

For example: Someone sends packages to all the acquitted death eaters causing mass death and destruction. Came close to writing a fic in which the MC solved all problems with fiendfyre. May still.

948. Writing things in other language that are completely different from how they're said in English. For example.

Harry stepped up to the window. “Noble goblin, may your enemies shake, may your coffers overflow.”

Time is money, human, do not waste mine with frippery. I am told that you are conversant in the language of my people, would it be agreeable to continue our conversation in my native tongue?”

I would be agreeable to that.”

In goblin. “f*ck, speaking English is tough on the tongue. How you been, my brother from another mother?”

Same as always. How's your boss doing?”

That old mother f*cker? Bastard's going to retire, think I'll try to take his job.”

Good luck, they couldn't pick a more deserving person than everyone else in the bank.”

Really funny. Wait, who was it that took care of your account paperwork? I think we might have to freeze your funds for an audit.”

You'd do it wouldn't you, you son of a bitch.”

You know it, asshole.”


sh*t brain.”

Damn but it's good to see you again. How long's it been?”

Least five years since you fled the country like a little bitch.”

One angry husband I can deal with, six is a bit too many.”

I wouldn't know.”

What do you mean you wouldn't know? You're the one who set them on me.”

I gave you half the gold they bribed me with.”

You did. Same deal next time?”

f*ck yeah.”


It was that or write the goblins as surfer dudes. Might have to save that for a story.

949. A Keyser Söze origin story for Harry Potter. Death Eaters came to his house and held his family hostage, he kills them and states that he'd rather see them in the ground than yadda yadda. Could be Ministry propaganda, could be that Harry doesn't give a damn about ol'Vern and the rest.

950. Voldemort crept through the silent Potter house, hoping to catch the couple sleeping when – a flash of pain shot up from his foot, reflexively he jerked it away unthinking of the fact that he was at the top of a staircase. Cursing loudly, the Dark Lord fell backwards to the bottom of the stairwell. That's where James Potter found him, moments later, neck bent at an unnatural angle.

With wariness, James examined the hellish muggle torture devices Lily had purchased for their son and then enchanted to ignore footwear after he and Sirius had neglected to put Harry's toys away after playing with them one too many times. He din't know from what twisted Danish mind these 'Legos' sprang from, but he silently vowed to himself to be more careful around them in the future.

951. The Protagonist has any two items. The Protagonist figures they're screwed. They contemplate their items and realize that far from being screwed, they're in a pretty good, even excellent position.

Harry sighed in frustration. He was boned. All he had was his super invisibility cloak and a time turner. The boy froze. All he had was a way to make himself undetectable and an alibi. His enemies would fall before him.

Shaggy sighed. He was screwed. A five hour car ride with nothing to keep himself entertained. The man considered his resources. All he had was a bag full of psychedelic mushrooms and enough hashish to film a Cheech and Chong Movie. Shaggy perked up, maybe this ride wouldn't be so bad after all.

The young Jedi wanted to beat her head against the wall. For once, she was seriously considering the idea of leaving the order. All they'd given her was a light saber and an army of clones that would follow every order she gave and . . . maybe she wasn't so screwed after all.

952. Someone starts anonymously killing death eaters, the war ends immediately since the death eaters are too worried about getting killed to continue it. The Aurors start investigating to find the murderer. Really drive home that no one gives a damn about the murders of muggle born/muggles/half bloods/creatures/the under class. Make it really blatant and explore that, maybe a general strike is called. The disfavored classes leave the magical world en-mass which devastates the economy. The lower orders don't have power individually, but as a group?

953. Someone is Minister for a Day. Maybe due to a contest or something, they immediately jail Fudge and all their political opponents. Fudge and his allies are force fed truth potion, their accounts are drained, and they are cast through the veil. The Aurors are unleashed, blood runs through the streets, and so on. I like the dichotomy of an innocent sounding thing that descends into tyranny through the use of broad dictatorial powers demonstrated by Fudge.

954. The Trace used by James Potter and company. The key word breaks your wards and dumps several metric tons of sewage on your location. It descends into a constant race as the Death Eaters need to constantly change their vocabulary to avoid the deluge, innocent people keep getting hit by mistake, and chaos abounds. Or you could just tie it to activating the dark mark or something I suppose.

955. In number three, Vernon was a huge Magnum PI fan that decided to turn Harry into Magnum. This is a variation on that, Vernon loves the show but only for Higgins. His goal in life is to turn his son into a real life version of the character. What's Higgins without a Magnum to pit himself against? Vernon is quite pleased by Harry's arrival.

Things go good, Vernon devoting considerable time and resources to train the two boys, when Hagrid arrives. Vernon is heartbroken when Harry goes with the giant, fearful that his dream will die.

Harry returns with a thick Magnum mustache, magic is so useful, and tells Vernon that the only reason he went with Hagrid was for the mustache as Vernon had expressed worry that Harry would be unable to grow one. Both his father and Petunia's father were unable to grow facial hair as far as he knows. Vernon agrees reluctantly that seven years at Hogwarts is worth it if the alternative is no mustache.

Harry has a strict training regime that includes long swims in the lake and attempting, clumsily, to seduce the fairer side of the castle. He keeps up his normal studies as well, knowing that he has to get a commission and a place in the Special Boat Service after graduation. On the non-magical side of things, Dudley does the same.

Epilogue, the two of them in a mansion with a private sandy beach, they made it. All that effort was worth it. Maybe Sirius' Black's island home? Sirius, still alive, is a bit put out by the fact that he's not permitted to reside in his home the majority of the time and that he has to relay most of his instructions/communication with Harry through Dudley who someone convinced him to hire as his Majordomo.

956. Something something real name Hadrian something something Hadrian's wall something something real real name Wally. We've all seen the fics in which Harry's real name is Hadrian, it's because he was conceived at Hadrian's wall, which is what James wanted to call him. Lily vetoed it and the compromise was Hadrian Wally Potter. No more idiotic than just naming him Hadrian, I admit, this was a filler idea. By filler, I mean filler as in the practice of mixing saw dust with flour to lower the calorie count and to lower the costs.

957. The Lovegoods are immune from sanity loss, you can't lose what you never had. They're the world's premiere researchers in all things pertaining to eldritch entities.

958. An old rule states that Triwizard Champions can appoint another in their place for the tasks if they are injured in some way. Harry uses the excuse of a stubbed toe or paper cut to tag someone else in. Hilarity ensues as either he picks someone supremely competent or someone who will almost certainly be killed.

959. Dumbledore is just a figurehead. The real power at Hogwarts is the Head House Elf. Dumbledore may or may not be aware of this fact.

960. Phoenixes are just magical Lyrebirds.

961. Harry doesn't understand how pranks work. Mainly, he has trouble distinguishing pranks from casual murder attempts. A conversation with Sirius does not do anything to dissuade him from that idea. The Weasley Twins challenge Harry to a pranking contest and are unprepared to find themselves experiencing Harry's sense of humor.

George shook his head, the old bucket over the door gag, a classic but he'd expected better from the son of prongs.

That isn't water,” his twin said nervously. “It smells like-”

George hurriedly cast the flame freezing charm and was fortunate enough to have done so before the liquid caught fire.

Harry had tears coming out of his eyes he was laughing so hard. “The looks on your faces!”

(Been trying to write this one for years)

962. Dumbledore catches Harry and company carrying a rolled up carpet out of the castle.

What are you three doing?”

Nothing,” the three replied.

Hermione fixed her eyes on the plastic bag filled with a green leafy substance in the Headmaster's hand. “What are you doing?”

Also nothing,” Dumbledore replied. “In an unrelated note, am I going to have to hire a new defense professor?”

Why do you ask?”

Just making conversation.”

963. Something causes Bellatrix Black to switch sides. She quickly becomes the light's greatest hero. A hero who saves the day via a combination of violence, dark magic, violence, insanity, violence, extreme sadism, violence, and violence.

964. Harry trusts no one.

You don't trust me, Mr. Potter?” McGonagall asked, sounding hurt.

After first year? I'd be an idiot to trust you with anything important. Fool me once and all that.”

Surely you're not serious, Harry?” Dumbledore said, shocked by what the boy had said.

You employ Snape.”

I trust Severus,” Dumbledore said reflexively.

Yes, that's rather my point.”

965. For obvious reasons, Wonder Woman was an early investor in Amazon.

966. Metamorphs can make internal changes too. It's mainly used by assassins. You poison a meal and eat some of it to show that you have no trouble eating it while modifying your digestive tract to not absorb any of what you consumed. Can also be used for dieting which is why Tonks eats like a pig and never gains weight.

967. Basalt can be melted and turned into rebar, called Rock Rod in some places. Neat thing about it is that it's lighter and more flexible than steel. Seems like it could also be an interesting magic wand material.

968. Dumbledore hides the Philosopher's Stone in his Prison Purse.

969. On halloween, Soldier Xander never runs into the ghost of Willow. He does find the corpse of Willow and is convinced his friend is dead after the spell ends.

Posted something similar to this many years ago as a halloween challenge on the XanderZone.

970. The Triwizard is a recruiting event. Schools go to attract each other's students.

971. The Triwizard is the reason Hogwarts is considered the premiere magical school. It's student won the last tournament. Harry's fourth school is now the premiere magical school.

972. Someone changes the recipe on Snape's blackboard. He doesn't notice. Pandemonium ensues.

973. The Hellfire club dressed like catholic clergy, engaged in odd rituals, then drank to excess before retiring with prostitutes. How bout a magical version of a similar club? Dressing like what they think muggles dress like and engaging in mockeries of muggle life. Something cargo cultish maybe?

974. Luna's father is based on Spider Jerusalem. How fun would it be to write this? A drugged out gonzo journalist who makes liberal use of the prolapse hex.

975. A Mass Effect 40K xover. The invasion of Shanxi runs into a guard regiment. It does not end well for the Citadel.

976. Dumbledore is a Disney Fan. That explains most of his idiotic plans.

977. Obliviators are mostly muggle born. They need to be able to think up plausible memories and purebloods don't.

978. James Potter sets dozens of traps in and around his house. Think Home Alone.

The Dark Lord touched the door knob and began screaming in pain as his hand grounded the wire wrapped around the other side of the knob.

979. The villagers treat Naruto like one would expect them to treat a super weapon. With extreme wariness. No mistreatment and he's the center of attention everywhere he goes. Everyone watches him, fearing that he could go off at any second.

980. The brown noise is real, it just takes magic/chakra/practice/whatever.

981. One of the other jedi asks Anakin to cover for them in exchange for covering for him. Also gives pointers on how to hide the fact that you've got a significant other on the outside. Anakin is shocked to learn just how large a percentage of the jedi have lovers. Is told that the order looks the other way so long as you don't rub their face in it. If really playing for laughs, Yoda has a massive harem.

Resist me, no woman can. Hmmmm.”

982. No one automatically assumes that Sirius was the secret keeper, what idiot would trust him with anything important. Similarly, the purebloods don't think anyone would trust a werewolf. Aurors are hunting for Peter the second news of the Potters' deaths is announced. Sirius is a bit hurt when he realizes that no one suspects him of betrayal not because of his loyalty, but because only a complete and total moron would trust him with anything important. Here's your godson to raise.

983. Donkey Patronus. Donkeys are smart, aggressive, territorial, and I like them. Was out with horses once and came across a dead snake in the road. Horses shied away, donkey rushed past the horses and stomped the dead snake into paste. They also kill mountain lions. I love donkeys and this was just my tribute to them. All hail donkeys, they really don't appear enough in fiction. So make that, more donkeys in fiction.

984. True Slytherins end up in Gryffindor or Hufflepuff. Sure there's the odd Gryffindor or Hufflepuff mixed in, but the two houses tend to be more sneaky and ruthless than the Ravenclaws and especially the Slytherins.

985. Arthur Weasley is hyper competent.

Spell will vibrate the glass in the windows. See, muggles can bounce beams of light on windows to measure the vibrations and those measurements will let them hear what we're saying. Vibrating the windows with a charm makes that impossible.”

Arthur grinned at the dumbfounded looks being directed his way. “My predecessor got the sack when the higher ups decided he knew too much about muggles to be comfortable with. Saw it as a potential case of getting too close to the enemy, so to speak. I on the other hand get at least five complaints a month from muggleborn and half-bloods all stating that I know nothing about my job and should be sacked for it. Makes the powers that be a lot more comfortable with the idea of keeping me as department head.”

986. Hardboiled ace reporter Luna Lovegood is undercover at Hogwarts writing an expose on the venerable institution's low standards, bullying, and constant murder attempts on the Boy-Who-Lived. The fact that she actually is a student at Hogwarts means her cover is impenetrable. It's also why she allows herself to get bullied, more fodder for her story.

987. An alternate to above, it's actually her mother on anti-aging potions who faked her death to get the story. The real Luna Lovegood is far away in a school with much higher standards.

988. Someone gets their hands on the student roster before the sorting.

Alotta fa*gina!” McGonagall said primly.

Amanda Huginkiss!” the old woman eyed the first years. “I need Amanda Huginkiss right now!”

Michael Hunt!” The woman's lips pursed with annoyance, looked like another student had decided not to attend Hogwarts and hadn't the courtesy to notify the school. “Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?”

989. Dudley sees a film, insists on Harry being enrolled in a class/organization that's the film's antagonist. Rinse and repeat. For example; Dudley sees 'the Karate Kid' and demands that Harry be put in a Karate class while he goes off to find an old gardener to learn from.

990. Harry figures out that Lockhart is a fraud and that he's stealing fame from other people early on. Immediately confronts the man and demands that Lockhart steal his fame as well. Lockhart likes the idea, takes the boy under his wing and trains him in what he can. Ends up taking credit for defeating the Basilisk, with Harry's enthusiastic help and approval. Possibly arranges for private defense tutors over the holidays away from Hogwarts. Harry finds a use for what he learned from Lockhart.

Draco paused in mid conversation with a look of concentration on his face, which turned into one of relief.

Did you just sh*t yourself, Draco?”

Pissed myself too,” the boy said proudly. “Now, as to our next plan to get Potter-”

991. Someone figures out how to modify the werewolf curse to change into other animals. Werepug anyone? Could be a good way to deal with troublesome werewolves that you don't want to kill or werewolves you want to utterly humiliate before imprisoning.

992. One cape stayed behind and defended Emily Piggot's team to the death on the Nilbog mission.

993. I just learned that the Mayor of London, during the great fire of 1666, said of it that 'a woman could piss it out.' That line didn't age well since the fire went on to cause massive damage to life and property. I really want to include that in a scene, well, that or something similar. Be a good indicator that things are about to go very wrong for those in the know.

994. The students laughed when the boggart turned into Professor McGonagall, they stopped laughing when it rubbed its belly and informed them that it was pregnant. Doesn't have to be McGonagall, or a pregnancy, a boggart that has real life fears. Unexpected bills and what not.

(Not fit for the list, but I thought of it here so here it goes. Funny typos; just read how someone raped their knuckles against a door. Presumably, they meant that someone rapped their knuckles but I could be incorrect. I really hope that I'm not incorrect).

995. Molly can tell the twins apart, she pretends not to.

Used to teach a pair of twin boys, they got really annoyed when I proved that I could tell them apart. They even came in identical outfits a couple times to try to confuse me and were always overjoyed when I slipped up. Also wore hats a couple times to cover up a scar on one of their foreheads after they found out it was one of the ways I told them apart.

996. Someone starts killing Death Eaters/Nazis/something similar. Left behind at the scene of each incident is a sticker bearing the motto: "Das dicke Ende kommt noch."

997. An anti hero named Nakam that focuses on Empire 88.

Really don't like Worm, tried to read it and killfiled it pretty quick. Wasn't even the grimdark, it was that logic did not apply and that things were made darker not because it made sense but to make it darker. Just don't like Grimderp. Do like the occasional fic.

998. Just about every good name is taken in a Worm fic. It's like trying to register a domain or a handle on a popular website. Cape names get odd, lengthy, and often include numbers.

Cape name?”

The hero sighed. “Smoke Eater Fig Six Two Z.”

999. The girls in Konoha are taken aside to learn about seduction and the like. Neji is included, he is unamused to learn that he earned his spot when he was ranked number three of the most beautiful girls in the village.

1000. Kurenai's team is given a mission to find out information about a target. May be an exercise, may be real world. Hinata's report is detailed to a creepy extent, her years of stalking Naruto making her scary good at gathering information.

1001. Mrs. Figg does not watch Harry spend several hard and dark years with the Dursleys. She acts.

Tears stung her eyes as she looked down at the wizarding world's savior. She never should have trusted Dumbledore. The woman quietly gathering the sleeping child in her arms and prepared to leave, cursing the fact that she couldn't deliver some measure of vengeance to the boy's tormentors before she went as it would likely alert Dumbledore to her actions and make escape impossible. A smile appeared on the woman's face as a thought occurred. It wouldn't delay them long, it might even help cover their escape if her charge's disappearance went unnoticed for a while.

She buries a tiny skeleton in the Dursley's backyard. Were I to write it, I'd throw in some lines about transfigured animal bones being indistinguishable from the real thing and easier to make identical to Harry's. Figg packs up and flees the country, may still make a couple reports to Dumbledore through a cutout. Harry's letter is undeliverable, an investigation finds that the Dursleys were arrested a couple years ago after an anonymous tip to police led them to discover human remains burred in the back yard of the Dursley house. No one believed the Dursley's protestations that the boy must have used magic to disappear.

AN: The spark for a number of ideas came from the CaerAzkaban group. Without it and the people on it, none of the above would have been possible. What I'm saying is that if you want someone to blame, blame them.

One Thousand and One Things I'd Like To See In a Fic (2024)
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